I'm 40, married, the mother of a 3 year old. I work full time, as does my husband. We own a house and have 2 dogs. I'm also an only child. My father is deceased and my mother is 85 years old, morbidly obese, and suffering from what appears to be Stage 3 or 4 COPD. My mother lives 2 hours away from me.
I'm not aware of my mother's condition because of her offering up any information - quite the opposite, actually. She will not allow me or her sister (my aunt) to attend any medical appointments or speak to her physicians. So we've pieced together her medical information by writing down the names of the inhalers/medications we find around her house when she's not looking and then researching those drugs online. Recently, she's started using a nebulizer 4x/day, and oxygen therapy at night (I got this info from my aunt).
She's always been a bit of an emotional challenge. At the very least she's suffered from Major Depression (untreated) her whole life - though I strongly suspect that if she had ever met with a therapist, she would've been diagnosed with a personality disorder. Her most recent visit coincided with one of her "mood swings." She spent 3 days at our house crying, making inappropriate comments to my 3 year old about how grandma is always alone and cries herself to sleep every night. The day she left for home, her breathing was really bad. She blew up at my husband & I as we tried to help her pack, telling us that she'll never agree to go in a nursing home. She'll die alone in her house if we won't take care of her ourselves.
My 3 year old was witness to this emotional scene. Not okay.
I have no idea what's really wrong with her - what the prognosis is of her medical ailments - if this increased level of depression is related - if it has the potential of getting more severe - nothing. So I don't know what to do. My biggest fear is that a serious medical crisis is going to come out of nowhere. I don't know what to do.
She sounds fearful that she is ill and alone. If you help her feel less alone and cared for her response may be less emotional. Whatever the case you still need to make some sort of gesture of caring. The fact that your three year old saw this is not going to scar the child emotionally....can you remember your 3yr old events. She probably felt she could not communicate with you or your husband and the only non threatening one was the child. Try to remember, without her there wouldn't be a you and it sounds like you turned out pretty well. I know you care deeply about her to write for suggestions and I hope you find the time and opportunity to talk with her. I think you'll find it will help. I also know it is probably is frustrating for your husband as well but given the same circumstances with his family it would be just as difficult for you. Hopefully he will be understanding. Praying for you.. Blessings
If she wants to die in her house, she can decide to do that. For your piece of mind, maybe you could call her county's office for aging to inquire about them doing a home check to determine how your mom is living and whether or not she needs to be evaluated further.
As for her moving in with you...that's your decision and it sounds like you've already made it. Stand firm. Don't let misplaced feelings of guilt or obligation cloud your objectivity about what life for your family would be like if mom moved in.
I would try to get a hospice evaluation. A fatal diagnosis is required, but not a fatal diagnosis that will kill you in less than six months. Her doctor could suggest it. And when she is admitted, there are financial benefits. Medicare will then pay for all her medications related to the diagnosis. They send a nurse to the house at least twice a week, provide social workers, nurses assistants, supplies such as pull-ups, shower supplies.
She also may not be competent. You can have a conservator appointed if that is the case. That is not cheap, but in some states you could be the conservator.
Does she have a best friend? They may help, although, my mom's wouldn't.
Doesn't sound like it is a good idea to have her in your home; very negative environment to raise a child. For your family's sake, I hope she can afford to have home health care. An assissted living or NH may be her only option! However, staying in her house and dying alone is her choice to make!
Your family (you, husband and child) is your first responsibility! Good luck!