Share parent's health info with far away siblings, or share very little?
I have siblings that had distanced themselves physically and emotionally from the family for well over 20 years. There has been no relationship or contact to speak of, between my siblings and parents, and for good reasons. Siblings some how found out that our parent has memory impairments, and now trying to work their way back into the picture with their agenda being of greed. I am financial and medical POA. I have been the only child that for many years has been the primary provider of care, doctor visits, arranging for care, helping with all of their needs. I have always had a close relationship with my parents, who chose to sacrifice time and energy, out of love and respect for my parents. I am offended and upset that in the "end" game, siblings that have never shown any concern, and have never contacted parents throughout the years are now trying to come around to involve themselves with a vulnerable parent. How do I handle this? I'm sure this is very common in families, so any advise would be much appreciated.
From what I've read on these forums, these family relationships can become toxic, with siblings accusing each other and raising allegations that can't be proven.
Looking out for yourself and your role in caregiving is only common sense.
But you yourself have nothing to regret; and quite honestly you have enough on your plate ensuring that your mother is well looked after. If she says she doesn't want to see her children, it makes your life simpler - you do as she requests. But try to be as humane as possible communicating her wishes to your estranged siblings: aim for truthful but neutral, or even sympathetic if you genuinely feel sorry about how things have turned out. Your suspicion of their motives is reasonable, but even if you're correct it doesn't mean they don't also have more filial feelings towards their mother. It's just not your fault if they've left it too late.
In terms of what you disclose to them about her health, assuming you retain control of all decisions and you have good working relationships with her professionals, then it shouldn't be any skin off your nose or risk any harm to her if you give them a bulletin every so often. She's their mother - it would be stranger if they really couldn't care less. On the other hand don't be surprised if they lose interest fairly quickly when there's nothing much to report...
I think you now have your answer though. Their presence is upsetting Mom, so visiting is not a good idea.
If they want to come again, I guess the answer would be that it was too upsetting for Mom to see people who haven't been around for years and who she doesn't even remember, that it was more like being surrounded by strangers and made her uncomfortable.
Was there anyone present during the visit(s) who was neutral, such as an aide, or neighbor, who could collaborate your mother's statements? That would help support your position if/when you have to tell the family that they shouldn't come, and if they allege that you're keeping them from her.
It would also help if you had medical collaboration. Perhaps you might raise the issue with her internist or PCP next time and ask if you should allow them to come again, on the theory that they are long lost family and you were hoping for a good reunion, but that the visit wasn't successful or pleasant for your mom. Then you can tell the family that your mother's physician doesn't feel it's advisable for them to come.
They'll never know who that doctor is, nor would the doctor give them information since they don't have HIPAA authorizations.
I would be cautious, though, as you don't know what their intentions are.
As to the sibling who's still calling, let the calls go to voice mail, then type up the messages and keep them in a log, just in case....one never knows what the motivation is.
Although your update doesn't surprise me, it would have been nice if the reunion had been better and your mother could have shared the company of her family, even if they did wait several years before returning to the fold.
If they ask for and take things? Well, they're only things. I personally wouldn't worry about them.
I'm with Jeanne, though. It'll widen your parents' horizons a bit to get back in touch with their other children. I sure wouldn't stand in the way of that.
You'll know their motives soon enough. You may be wrong with your assumptions.
Just watch closely that they are not taking financial advantage of your parents.
As far as what information to share, respect your parents' right to privacy.
Giving them the benefit of a doubt, it could be that they finally woke up and realized that they've lost a father and may lose a mother sooner than they expected, and now want to reconnect with the family.
Does the holder of a POA have any obligation to provide periodic reports to their siblings concerning their plans for the grantors care?”, at
https://www.agingcare.com/questions/power-of-attorney-obligation-to-provide-reports-170799.htm
As to your particular situation, I agree with Assandache - don't deny your mother the opportunity for contact, but be alert as to whether or not their late involvement causes her any distress. If it does, advise them to send cards instead of calling and/or visiting.
You could take the precaution of advising her medical team that you anticipate inquiries from long lost relatives who have no HIPAA authority and express your concern that these relatives have no legal authority to be inquiring of any medical professional. Cut them off before they try.
You can also "take the bull by the horns" and advise them that you're glad they're now interested in her welfare as you need help. Then list EVERYTHING you think they could do, including the less than pleasant tasks. You could also rub it in (I'm nasty today!) by telling them that you'll be glad to train them how to change diapers, etc., so they can provide proper care if/when they come to visit.
If they're not close, tell them to send cards, on a regular basis. You could ask for financial assistance as well. That sometimes squelches an otherwise aggressive interest.
Sometimes it just irks me to read of people ignoring someone for years then hovering around like vultures when they smell blood (or in this case assets).
As far as medical info goes, let them ask your parent, if they ask you about medical just tell them to educate themselves about dementia... There is many websites available..