Should I leave my 91 year old Mother?
I'll get right to it.
My older sister abused me when I was a child. I was attacked, bullied and suffered greatly at her hands. She was six years older, lying, devious, cruel. My mother, who has behavior patterns similar to Aspergers and also shows signs of narcissistic personality disorder, ignored my pleas for help, dismissing all the sisters behavior with a wave and a "toughen up".
I forgave the sister as a young adult but she ended up behaving in a manner so repugnant and outrageous that I ended up changing my plans and leaving the area, taking my 91 year old mother to another state. I spent over a year setting her up here, doing virtually everything to find, negotiate, settle and manage everything from planning her garden to finding her doctors.
I just found out that my mother, my sister and my aunt have formed a new chatty little group, and I feel outrage. This morning I told mom that I knew about this (saw the emails because I was fixing something for her). I said, you have welcomed my abuser and it makes me feel sick.
I am frustrated at being my mothers unpaid lackey and I am angry. Today I feel like packing up everything and leaving. I feel no loyalty to the two of these women for harboring this monster, and once again, I see the dismissive wave of, "oh, get over it".
Would you leave?
15 Answers
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While on the topic, personally I don't think that an apology is necessary for forgiveness. I think it makes it easier, but forgiveness, as I understand it, is a choice, not a feeling, though the feelings may follow. One definition: "I choose to give up my right to hurt you, for hurting me." Works for me and has nothing to do with feeling forgiveness towards someone. However, I also retain the right to protect myself from further hurt by you. The anger can help you to keep that in place, not that, in your case, with your bro it is applicable as he is dead.
Forgiving long-term abuse is not an easy thing, and I can tell it didn't happen here. Nor did it happen for me. I still get angry thinking about my brother. I felt nothing when he died a few years ago. I do know that if he hadn't died that I would not be here now, because I know he would be over here daily bleeding my mother for money. It is what he did his entire life.
I have forgiven my parents for letting it happen, but it was not a gracious forgiveness. I just realized they were horrible parents who probably never should have had kids. Children need more than a house and food. They need guidance. Still, I am glad they did have children, since I wouldn't have been here otherwise... at least not in this body.
Strange thing is that my mother has never forgiven us kids for our teenage years. She brings up the bad things we did as teens that ruined her life. She doesn't recognize her role in raising the troubled teens. We were just bad.
You have to find an way through it where you can remain true to yourself whatever your choices are, and allow yourself some space to heal. If you can remain connected to some degree, and still heal - good. If not, I think you owe it to yourself to provide for yourself what you need in order to heal.
((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))) to anyone dealing with this
I feel, for what it's worth, that there's a point being missed. On top of all the unresolved anger towards sister - and don't I know it, how hard it is to shovel all that to one side - there's the feeling of betrayal. And it's NOT because mother still wants to be in touch with sister, who is after all her own daughter, which makes it make a certain sense, at least; it's because the three of them have formed this giggling high school posse behind Thirdkid's back. Ouch ouch and ouch again! My God I'd have been incandescent, too, if I'd stumbled over those emails.
I don't have the problem of my mother's being complicit, or not any more I don't because she can't use the phone nor see to use email - which is another problem on its own, but another story - and in any case my mother's main failing was her inability to intervene, not her indifference; but I am currently experiencing deeply unhelpful hostility from my three siblings, to a greater or lesser extent, along with the uncomfortable sensation that a great many discussions get held among them that never include me. It's horrible, and it's about as unhelpful as it gets - short, of course, of some of the breathtaking outright warfare that goes on that we all read about here and weep.
Thirdkid, I hope you held your ground. Please post if you're still reading. x
Few of us (I think -- could be wrong) have experience with actual sibling abuse. (Perhaps because our parents would have put a quick stop to that kind of behavior.)
You have cut ties with your sister. Totally understandable.
Instead of detaching from the parent who enabled the abuse, you decided to get deeply involved in managing her life. I have a harder time understanding that, although I've learned from others on this site who grew up with narcissistic mothers that this is not unusual behavior.
Personally, I think it is time to cut ties with both abusers -- your sister and your mother. But I'm offering this as an outsider who has not had experience with abusers or with mentally ill parents.
I wish you peace as you go forward, whatever you decide to do.
I don't see a difference either. After I posted this question here I realized that it was more appropriate for a sibling abuse survivor forum. The profoundly sick and tangled mess that I live with every day is.....daunting. Most people have no idea what sibling abuse is, and think it's like "sibling rivalry". You are right-- and I will NOT wait for Hell to freeze over!
Oh well. Interestingly, it has come to my attention that my mother bullied her siblings (but had a mother who was, at least, paying attention and would intervene to set boundaries). It's possible that she is enjoying all this, as it puts her in the spotlight again. Makes me sick. I'm done with these people, even if I'm stuck here.