Should I continue being a caregiver to an 84-year-old gentleman? I don't want to get in the way of his wife.
I am a 47 year caregiver for an 84 year old gentleman. His wife is in a nursing home do to a stroke a couple years back (before I entered the picture).
I was only suppose to be helping out with meals, doctor appts, and taking him to visit his wife a couple times a week, until his daughter could take over, but his daughter has her own health issues and is unable to take on her father's care. He has 5 children and the oldest son is the only one that seems to act like he cares, but I have noticed that there is a lot of hostility and anger towards their dad. They don't seem to understand what he did in his younger years in is the past and they re-live things he has said and done in his past.
Now, that I am taking care of him, the son does pay for his care, but not enough. (6-12) hrs a day 7 days a week, for $300, and now he is requesting daily updates on his fathers condition, what he eats, what we do daily, how much time we spend together and why I spend that much time with him.
Yes, the son does have POA, but his dad refuses to go into assisted living because he owns his home and wants to live there. I know his medical condition is not that bad he has,---a GI Bleed, high blood pressure, and Glaucoma, and the early stages of Dementia, and as long as someone is there to keep an eye on him he is fine. The son doesn't even live in the same state as his dad, but yet he wants to question the care I am providing.
Other people in the same town know him very well and tell him daily that he is being well taking care of and that he looks good, even the home health nurse has said that I am doing a good job. The son has repeatedly asked several people about me and what he pays me and has been told he won't find anyone cheaper. His dad wants me and only me, no one else to take care of him, so now I am in the middle, because the son is requesting more time of mine without wanting to pay me more. And making me feel as if I am not doing that good of a job after all.
Plus that, I do not want in the middle of their family feud but I do care for this man as if he is my grandfather and I do not want to see his kids treat him badly for things he did in his past. Or worse force him to move into assisted living, which I believe would kill him of sadness. He lives for his house on the bay and that's is all he wants.
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You definitely need to charge more for what you are doing. Go online and find a simple caregiver's contract. Spell out what your hourly rate will be, how many hours a week you are available, and that any supplies need to be provided by the client. If you keep this on a business basis, all will be happy. When I hire a private caregiver (as opposed to using an agency) I make a list of all the things that may need to be done. I ask point blank if there is anything a caregiver does not like to do. Communication and mutual respect are the key.
Let me tell you something, anyone of us in the forum would love to hire someone as dedicated as you. You can find a better gig than this. Don't feel sorry for the old guy - let his son deal with a replacement. Give your two weeks and find another position. Good luck, you were kind to hang in this long, but now it is time to make a decent living.....Lillli
Good luck to you, oldmanfriend
Have you spoken directly to Son about this aspect of the situation? "Perhaps you've heard your father talk about loving me. I love him, too, but in the way I loved my grandfathers. I guess he may be in a little fantasy world right now, but believe me I do not encourage that thinking." And then, perhaps in a separate conversation, bring up the fact that your client has asked you to work additional hours, so you will be billing accordingly. Keep this on a professional basis. That will help Son relax better than thinking you are willing to throw in free hours for some ulterior motive.
I am not afraid of getting in her way, but (client) has become very attached to me and tells me often that he loves me and wants to marry me. I am not looking for a husband or anything else however i feel this is part of why the son is now questioning how much time I spend with him and the activities we do on daily basis.
(lilliput) it is 300 a week, and there is no other family that lives close enough on daily basis to give him information. But then again he does have friends that he knows and trust, plus keeps touch with the home health nurse whom all have told him that his dad is being care for very good.
Regardless, if the son wants "updates" let a family member drop by and give it to him. If you do it, charge extra. Do not agree to add more hours until he agrees to pay more.
Find out what paid caregivers are getting in your area. Here in the east it is 12-19/hr. and that is just for basic care.
Put EVERYTHING in writing including how many hours you are willing to work each day, what services you offer, and that any supplies you buy or updates are extra. Please do not let your loyalty to your client get in the way of you earning a living. The son is a jerk and wants to take advantage. How dare the cheapo question your care and then ask for more hours for FREE? Just when you thought you have heard it all.
I really approve of caregivers who care, but with the son you should probably keep this on a professional level. Here is what you agreed to do for $300/week. Because of increasing need, here is what you are now doing. You either need to go back to the amount of work in the original arrangement, or have your pay increased to $x. Which would son prefer? Business people who provide more goods or services than orginally ordered expect to get paid for them. But customers who get more than they orginally ordered are entitled to explnations about what they are getting before they pay. So I wouldn't take son's questions and requests as out of line or a personal distrust of you. This is just good business on both sides.
But is it really son's decision? Is Father incompetent to make decisions about how his money should be spent? At some point Father might not be able to decide things in his own best interests. But for now, is he able to decide he'd rather spend more money on having more service from you or to spend his money on AL?
If all 5 of his kids are hostile, there may be more to the "things he did in his past" than you are aware of. It is often hard to be forgiving where there is no repentence and especially if there has been no acknowledgement of wrong-doing. That entire situation is sad, but it is outside the scope of what you can reasonably do for your client, in my opinion.
Maintaining a good business relationship with the son is probably your best bet for advocating on the father's behalf.