5.5 years ago my then 88yo mother and I bought a house together. She had been living alone since her divorce 30 years prior. It was mutually beneficial since she was starting to need help with some things and I was separating from my husband. Our relationship has always been prickly, each stubborn and able to push each others buttons easily. We acknowledged that and agreed we would work to keep a peaceful and happy household. Things were fine until she started trying to parent her grandchildren. I set her straight on that, telling her that I am responsible for raising my kids. Then she had a fall and broke her hip. Since then her mobility has declined, she uses a walker and her hearing has diminished. She is still very independent, still drives and can care for herself but there are certain things she needs help with. Over the years she has become very frustrated with her inability to do things she used to do. I feel that she takes those frustrations out on me. She doesn’t like to ask for help even though part of us moving in together was so that my kids and I would be there to help her. She has become increasingly grumpy and negative. She spends most of her time in her room watching tv, shopping online or keeping herself busy with small projects. I try to engage with her, suggest outings, family dinners, game nights… but her frustration just escalates because of her hearing problem and then she verbally lashes out. She wants everything to be her way - be quiet while we’re playing games so she can concentrate, order/make the kind of food she likes, agree with her political opinions, act immediately when she asks for something… if you don’t then she accuses you of not loving/caring for her or validating her feelings. She thinks it’s ok to say whatever she wants because it’s her opinion - even if it’s hurtful. She’s body shamed my daughter and verbally abuses me anytime we have a disagreement. Funny thing is she never puts down my son. Her tone and interaction with him is completely different. It was exactly the same growing up - my brother could do no wrong. After years of analyzing our relationship, myself and through counseling, I’ve come to understand she is a narcissist. She never got over my dad leaving her and to this day blames me for not supporting her when he left. She also likes to tell me how much I’m like my dad which to her is not a compliment. I think she is looking for me to make her happy, feel loved, connected but I’ve told her that has to come from within. She does not make it easy or appealing to get close to her. It’s almost like she’s creating her own worst nightmare - ending life all alone. I’ve told her since we bought the house that when my youngest goes off to college our living arrangements will need to change. I’d like to downsize and have my own place and a few dogs. I don’t want to live with her because of the verbal assaults and usual negative unpleasantness. She has said she just wants to live with me. I feel an obligation to care for her and guilt when I think about going off on my own. She says I don’t love her and I’m just trying to get rid of her by suggesting we look into senior living options.
The only issue is POA; do you have financial POA for mom? If not, you may need to get it if both of your names on are the deed to the home, as Alvadeer pointed out. Otherwise, she could technically prevent you from selling the house. So a sit down with a certified elder care atty is in order in any event, just to cross your Ts and dot your i's.
I hope you can make this work out to your advantage, get mom placed in a nice ALF so that BOTH of you can be happy. The elders that push against AL wind up being the happiest once they DO move, it seems to me. AL isn't the house of horrors some think it is; it's more like a nice hotel with tons of activities and amenities PLUS a nice apartment that gives your mother autonomy which is nice since you say she's still independent. It would also be a good idea to look into hearing aids for her b/c hearing issues tend to make an elder very grumpy and difficult to deal with b/c they can't hear what's going on!! You may get push back on that end too, but if you do, there are sound magnifying appliances you can order from Amazon that also work for that purpose which are MUCH less expensive than real hearing aids:
https://www.amazon.com/s?k=sound+amplifiers+for+hearing+loss&crid=Q4SGO42ZHDC5&sprefix=sound+amp%2Caps%2C451&ref=nb_sb_ss_ts-doa-p_1_9
Wishing you the best of luck with all of this; I know how hard it can be.
Are both your names on the deed? If so, you will need her to agree to the sale then. Not sure what to do if she won't agree to that? Is she still competent? If not, you might be able to get it so she won't have to agree if she is not legally competent to do so.
I'm starting with this because sometimes it's not what someone wants to happen (like transitioning your mom out of your house when she doesn't want to) -- it's about your legal ability to make it happen, because she doesn't want to move.
If no one is her PoA, this is a bigger problem because it makes legally helping her much more difficult, such as managing her finances when you technically should not be privy to them or being involved/informed of her medical problems and decisions. You don't just get to do it because you're her daughter.
If you're not her PoA and she won't assign you, and she has said she doesn't want to move out and she has no medical diagnosis of incapacity -- then she gets to stay in your house until she changes her mind.
If I were in your shoes and I was not her PoA I'd make an appointment with an elder law/estate planning attorney and you both go and you both create the legal paperwork you will need as you both continue to age. Your mom may be more amenable to assigning a PoA if she sees you are doing it as well, and the attorney can explain why it is so important to have.
Try not to feel guilty about having your life to your self. You've helped her to this point and you are now being "assumed" into long-term caregiving. You should only do it because you wish to, not because if you don't you'll feel like an unloving daughter. Right now she's driving and mobile but the minute those go away your daily life will change dramatically.
I personally have nothing against family-provided, hands-on caregiving but one benefit of a good care facility is that your mom will have so many more options for social interaction, activities, events and outings. In the home, you become her entertainment committee.
If she can be given a cognitive/memory exam by her doctor, you'd have a better idea of what you're dealing with. Then you can blame dementia, and not personality issues, on the struggles you're having with her. If she can't help herself it would be cruel to expect her to be someone she cannot. Decline is difficult in every way, and it would be helpful for you to know what's going on and if it is the start of dementia, then educating yourself about it would be so very helpful to you both. I wish you all the best.