My mother has been living with me for 6 yrs. She fights with me every day about anything and everything. She tells me how loud I can have my tv, how I can train my dog what I can do and not, how long I should be working so she isn’t at home all day with the animals. She has left my home to visit others like 6 times in 2 yrs. She is driving me so crazy that I lock myself in my room so she can’t bother me I’m 54 yrs old. I’ve basically started living in my bedroom because of all her complaining any time I try to enjoy my life. She had breast cancer… I took care of her through, that she also has arthritis and bulging disc’s in her back lots of age related problems. My mother thrives on attention. She can be the sweetest person you know but as soon as you are behind closed doors it’s a whole other story. The past 6 yrs have been the worst in my life. I cook and clean do her laundry clean her room. Make all of her appointment get her special foods her prescriptions take her to every appointment bring her surprises home. She does nothing but lay in her bed and get up to complain at me. Granted she is 75… but my dad is 77 and works 50 hrs a week with a pinched nerve in his back. In 6 yrs she never washed a dish, offer to rinse her dishes or even load the dishwasher. I literally do everything for her but bathe her or help her to the bathroom, I even serve her meals to her in bed…she feeds herself. I fold her clothes and take them to her to put away, I later find them stuffed behind her bed and stacked in other places. She can follow me around the house and complain all day. I make her appts, she cancels them time and time again, she won’t take her meds correctly so she keeps her infections constantly. If I have any comments to say to her about this it’s full blown war. But I’m the one that has to pay the price for her decision. I’m severely depressed for the way that I’m having to live. I think about doing away with myself if this is how I have to continue to live. She had told me before that she would report for elder abuse. I don’t want my life anymore. I’ve finally brought my mother back to her home state my brother lives here and we have her signed up for senior housing. She is throwing a fit telling me that she is a throw away and none of her kids want her. None of us want her living with us because of how she is. I made the mistake of letting her move to my state and moving in with me. I have paid the price of my mental state. Now she has a multitude of medical problems that she kept canceling appointments for and one might be breast cancer again! I told her that my mental state could no longer take care of her and she said she didn’t care about my mental state. I don’t know what to do I can’t take her back to my home state. I would rather not exist as to keep doing this and let her mentally abuse my mind for yrs to come. I can’t get the guilt out of my head. I need for my brother to help with this and my mother live in her own apt so I can go home. I had to quit my job to bring her here and help her get re established. I can’t even hug or kiss my mom anymore or barely tell her I love her. All her mind games has absolutely destroyed me. And she can just tell me it normal for moms to fight with their kids. Can anyone help with this what I’m feeling and thinking? I’m so desperate
She can't report you for neglect -- there's no basis for this accusation so please ignore it. Moving someone to a facility is the opposite of neglect. She's just desperate and pulling out all the stops. My MIL didn't want to go into a facility but now after a while she's actually doing much better mentally, emotionally and even cognitively. It's rather astonishing. On the last visit she was in bed reading a book. Reading a book was something she *never* did in all the years I knew her. She said she loved the novel and couldn't but it down! She is enjoying the social interaction (mostly with staff) and she'd be getting none of this cloistered in her home with a single caregiver. Please work on not feeling guilting. Think of it more like feeling grief. You've done nothing wrong. You gave her a lot and it has been a totally thankless job. Now do what is good for everyone and move onward and upward with your life. Blessings to you!
Once you have healed a bit you may want to refer to a blog by Bob DeMarco:
https://m.facebook.com/alzheimersreadingroom/
He describes his journey with his mother who had Alzheimer’s disease and he discovered quite a lot and developed methods of working with the disease.
Your mother may still be a narcissist but you can begin to understand and forgive at least some of your mother’s behavior. Be proud of yourself that you made a decision and have spoken up for yourself by making this change. You are not abandoning her-you are letting the professionals take care of her.
I’d also suggest you get out quick before your brother has a chance to change his mind.
You have no reason to feel guilty, after 6 years, I'd say you have given more than 100% and have given it more than a good try hoping it would work.
I have both my parents with me and its coming onto 9 mths. From the get go they have caused issues, calling my siblings and telling them they want to move out. Making up lies etc. etc. It has been 9 mths and now they are moving out. My mother sounds like yours, not so extreme, I fought back, but I can only imagine she would have probably become your mother after 6 years taking me for granted. I cannot imagine doing this for 6 years, just the thought riddles me with extreme anxiety.
I am in the same situation as you, I have sequestered/isolated myself from them so I can stay sane and still they have done a number on me.
I agree with all the posts, let her go, let it all go, get excited, feel nothing but joy start your life, free and happy, get rid of the toxic people in your life. NO GUILT!!
Why are you 'doing, doing, and doing for her?
Your question "SHOULD" I feel guilty says a lot.
Guilt is not answered by 'yes' or 'no.' It is a feeling you feel - and triggers from 'way back when' result in you questioning yourself and I'd say, wounding emotionally by her.
You need to (LEARN to) put yourself and your hard working dad FIRST.
* Get a caregiver to take care of your mother and you work on yourself to feel you deserve a life, respect (self-respect) and to feel like a full whole human b-e-i-n-g.
* We aren't here to judge you.
* You need support to learn to feel better about yourself and
* LEARN to say "NO" to your mother.
* You must learn that you can and need to set boundaries on what you will and will not do. Likely you will continue (for a while) to feel as you do (i.e., guilty) and you need to be w/it, process thru it and not RUN by it. Step outside of yourself and observe the person who feels however you feel. Do not judge your feelings, observe and acknowledge them. THEN, decide what is in YOUR best interest in how to proceed.
* If she has 'destroyed' you as you say, you need to get professional help ASAP.
* You are doing all you are doing because you feel you have to - you do not feel you deserve any better than the life you have created for yourself. Once you learn how to value yourself, you will stop rolling out the red carpet for Princess Mommy.
S-T-O-P.
Get a caregiver and yes, send your mother to your brother's. WHY ON EARTH NOT DO THIS ? ? ?
Get a caregiver yesterday if not 24/7 care and stop doing for your mother. Learn to love yourself. And then take a five month vacation.
Gena / Touch Matters
You desperately need to look after your own health and get some help with what sounds like quite serious depression.
You have given your mother far too much control over your life for too long and now it is time to take your life back and let her live hers in a facility where her behaviour will not be tolerated, or in an independent unit where she can pay for any care she needs and if she behaves like she has to you they will refuse to help her. She is beyond selfish, her behaviour towards you is abusive and the sooner you can get out of being involved the better. Your relationship MAY improve when you are separate but it may well not - that is down to her. You need to look after yourself.
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