My story is a little different than most of the stories on this forum. I’m married for over 40 years to a narcissist who is 20 years older than I am. Marrying him was one of the biggest mistakes I’ve made, and I live with the regrets everyday. It wasn’t until 2013 when he threw me under the bus instead of defending me to his co-worker that I realized that the man is a narcissist, which for years before this I couldn’t quite understand why he was so possessive, demanding, and controlling. His behavior has caused me to go into deep depression and to be on medications for depression. Living with him has been a nightmare, but I stay because financially I cannot manage on my own. After he retired in the ‘90s, Social Security gave him the option to have his checks deposited into his account or having it put on a debit card. I convinced him to have the money deposited in the checking account as it was easier to pay the bills. After this happened, he has decided that he’s not going to have his pension checks deposited into the account. He gets his checks in the mail and he hides the money from me when he cashes his checks. We had owned a house since 1988 but I sold the house many years ago because it was a constant hassle trying to get him to help me mow the lawn, etc. He is now 89 soon to be 90 years old, and he is declining in health rapidly. I’m the one who is his caregiver and I’m bitter and angry that I have to be the one who has to be his caregiver when during our marriage he never cared for me when I was sick. In fact, he expected me to get out of bed when I was sick so I could fix him his meals. I can go on and on about the horrible way he treated me throughout the marriage, but space prevents me from doing so.
My question to the wonderful people on this forum is whether I should have home health care come in daily to help him or should I put him in a nursing home? Our children want me to leave him and move out because of the stress that he’s putting me through and then have home health care come everyday to help him. He also needs help with his medications as he’s on many, many medications. I’m afraid to leave him alone as he’s going to turn on the stove or oven and burn down the place as he is noted to put food boxes in the oven. He has Medicare/Medicare Advantage and I’m not sure how this works. Help!
Otherwise you or someone will be dealing with home health scheduling. You have said he can no longer be left alone.
Once he is in the nursing home, do through every nook and cranny of the house and find as much cash as you can.
I think at this point placing him may be ur best bet. If you have an assets (other than SS and pension) Medicaid allows those assets to be split. Your husbands half being spent down and then applying for Medicaid. You will receive part or all of his SS and pension depending on what u need to live on. There is more to this, but it gives u an idea what you will receive as a Community spouse. You get a car too.
Wishing you the best. Glad you have the support of your children. Often it is very difficult to change our habitual ways of living. It will take great courage on your part. Lean on your kids and let them help you.
Leave. Just leave and begin a new life on your own.
Divorce or not, up to you, but you really could be looking at 5 more years of this.
I'd rather live in a low income apartment or studio than with a jerk of a husband. You have put in your time---time to care for you.
Leave him and let him figure out his own life.
Take a half hour and talk to an attorney, so you know your rights.
Good Luck with this.
I would have moved him yesterday! Don't hesitate.....
Then consult a family-law attorney (divorce attorney).
It's not like the man is being victimized here. You're just tired of being a victim.
I had a neighbor who separated from her husband like 30 years ago, but because it was agreed to, they never got around to divorcing. But when he was diagnosed with Alzheimer's, neighbor went to see attorney who recommended they legally divorce before he was placed in NH because otherwise she could end up being liable for his medical expenses.
You mention he placed his pension checks in an account that was his only. Hopefully you have the necessary account information to find out how it is being held - especially since you mention you are financially unable to stay on your own. Also, do you have all the necessary paperwork in order - the wills, the poa, etc.
But based on his age and declining health, the best option does appear to be a AL or NH. Unless the home health care can be present 24/7 (which IS expensive), he would be considered a danger to himself and others.
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