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This is a follow up to a previous post back in 2023. I am getting worse when I see my husband of 55 years in SNF. He was diagnosed with mix dementia but has always been a mentally abusive alcoholic.
I am on an antidepressant but I am still having issues seeing him. I know morally it is wrong, but I just want to leave the situation and move out of the state. My grown children do mostly everything for their father and I just visit.
I am 80 years old, in good health and would like to enjoy what time I have on this earth.
Stay or leave?

I’d be a tiny bit cautious about accepting the ‘rent-free’ part of it - I mean, you all want to KEEP loving each other to pieces, right? But other than that, you’ve got amazing support; Go! Be free! Reclaim your joy!
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Reply to Peasuep
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Your husband is where he is because he was an alcholic. You had nothing to do with it. You were abused. You don't have to visit.

I would take that invitation. A chance in a lifetime. You deserve this. Your husband is in a NH how much do your kids really need to do. I am 75 and at thiscage my DH and I have lost a number of classmates and friends. You never know what tomorrow will bring. Go to Hawaii and update us on how your doing.
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Reply to JoAnn29
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The problems with your husband existed far before his dementia. He has people in his life who are caring for him and advocating for him. Go in peace and enjoy life
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Reply to Daughterof1930
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I would not say it is morally wrong to leave abusive alcoholic.
If not now then when? Go enjoy yourself
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Reply to Evamar
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Go live a good life and take care of yourself! Life goes on for the living. No one should judge you except you yourself.
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Reply to SOS369
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I don’t understand why you’d have to move or leave your home. Just don’t visit the facility. Or are you living in it too?
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Reply to ZippyZee
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I have the opportunity to live in Hawaii rent free with my husbands family. I love them all to pieces!
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Reply to WifeHasHadIt
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MargaretMcKen Oct 5, 2024
Go for it!
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Send us a post card.
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Reply to 97yroldmom
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In reality, you should have divorced a husband who was a mentally abusive alcoholic. Had you done that, you wouldn't be here today asking whether you should leave or stay, you'd have your answer. He's the one who's been morally wrong, not you.
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Reply to lealonnie1
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If you walk away now, try your very best to figure out how you will feel when he dies. Is there anything left for you to say or do? It sounds as though he is being taken care of by a facility and your kids.

I think you should leave especially if you have given 55 years of your life to this man, an abusive alcoholic (I have lots of experience with a situation like this and I'm 82).

It's time to take care of you, to live and enjoy your life. Please leave.
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Reply to Moondancer
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Leave. You don't owe your abuser anything. Ever. Good luck in creating a new life!
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Reply to Fawnby
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How would you feel if the roles were reversed and your husband of 55 years walked away from you? There's no doubt about it, being a caregiver sucks no matter what season of life you're in. I don't know what the life expectancy is for Mix Dementia. My 82 year old wife has Vascular Dementia which has an average life expectancy of 5 years due to comorbidities. So I know that this season of my life won't last forever. I keep telling her that we've been through so much together, we'll get through this together too. I'll see this through to the end. The only way I'm able to do this is through the power of prayer. Every morning when my feet touch the ground I say a prayer givings thanks and asking for God's Holy Spirit to fill me with the strength, endurance, wisdom and patience that I'll need for that day.

But, you're the only one that can answer the question about what's right for you in the short and long term. You might be surprised how much support and guidance you can received from prayer.
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Reply to jwellsy
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lealonnie1 Oct 5, 2024
Was your wife a mentally abusive alcoholic for 55 years??
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Morally it's wrong? Is it morally right for you to be treating yourself so poorly?

Walk away! Leave! Do not stay!

Enjoy your life!

Today here the weather is so beautiful, it should be considered a sin to not have a smile on are face , with the beautiful day nature is giving us today.
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Reply to Anxietynacy
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Leave.
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Reply to AlvaDeer
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Here's your first post for reference:

https://www.agingcare.com/questions/dont-want-to-see-my-husband-484411.htm

Why do you go see him? Stop going. This is called a healthy boundary. If your children don't like this boundary, too bad for them -- they'll get over it.

If you are his PoA, resign. If he doesn't have a PoA then social services can get him a court-appointed legal guardian. This guardian will do everything for him: oversee his medical care, pay his bills, manage his affairs. Even your kids can stop orbiting around him, if they want.

I wish you clarity, strength, courage, wisdom and peace in your heart as you move onward and upward.
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