Should sibling have been told Mother is on hospice?

It is quite interesting to see how easily the sibling who is not in touch much with the LO gets defensive, as your sister did, Janey. I find the same thing with my sister. I will say something about Mom (for whom I am the caregiver) that does not directly target my sister and she immediately becomes defensive. Feeling guilty does lead to defensiveness.

I can understand people's dilemmas on what to do when there are estrangements and bad feelings within the family. Looking back 5 or 6 years with my situation and two older brothers that made horrible decisions, mom does not know what I should do once she passes away. I want to follow her wishes about them, but she will be gone and I am left with a bad situation. One cousin didn't call my mom to tell her that her husband died. (she always said she considered my mom her mother, but she didn't call her to tell her the news.) This is an example of how bad things are between this family and my mom. My brother was in the hospital for over a week and could have died and no one called her to tell her. These are examples of their decisions and I have NO desire to call them to tell them. There is money involved upon her death, so they will find out eventually anyway. No one else can suggest what to do since the circumstances for each person are so different. Values, the past pain, mental health issues, and the sentence from them....."given the same situation we wouldn't do anything different." (This sentence AFTER they have experienced not talking, writing, visiting, etc their mom in the last 6 years.) What would anyone on here do if the pain for their mother has been so intense and horrible. Given my last years with her, I WILL NOT be the one to tell them. They are both dead to me already and you don't contact the dead to tell them other people on earth have died. You might think that I am being selfish, sick, and unreasonable, but what about their actions of selfishness, sick and unreasonable actions in 2013 that has my mom in pain daily when she speaks of both her boys? She can't let it go and brings it up ALL THE TIME and I have to listen to her month after month, week after week, day after day, hour..........you get the idea.
Maybe I will start a new post about people dying that are part of an estrangement in their lives.

Bluntly speaking, you may want to tell your sister that what she thinks of you is none of your business. If she argues you may want to consider changing the subject.

May you have peace and may mom be pain free and at peace as well in her dwindling days on this earth.

Grace + Peace,
Bob

I have found that it's best to keep everyone notified, regardless of their ability or desire to impact the situation. And, sadly, we do judge when others touch base infrequently or are not generally available to help.  None of us knows the journey of others in this life, so it's best to try to forgive and simply keep up what may be even the equivalent of a newsletter in one-way communications to family members.

I suggest that, because you are all in the same family (blood lines), you advise everyone that the patient is where and why and how. Do not give more information than the most basic necessary data and whatever you do, do nothing to refer to the past or differences, etc. You will be blasted if you do. Just purely informational. No more, no less. You have covered your butt and what they do after that is up to them. You can't change that. Good luck.

Wow - it seems like many families, mine included, have problem siblings. It continues to stun me when my brother pulls something so childish you would think he was 12 not 54. I shouldn't be surprised because it's been going on for years but still.... Awhile ago I realized I cannot change him, I can only change my response to him. I choose when I will answer texts or calls - or I won't answer at all depending on his tone. I refuse to be bullied (which used to work with my Mom and Dad). If I step back and try to be objective, I see it's a learned behavior. Lots of bullies get what they want.

My husband thinks I should apologize so there's peace in the family. When I ask him what I've done that requires an apology, he says it's just to keep peace. And, what about next time my brother gets his panties in a bunch because he doesn't get his way? Do I need to apologize again? No thanks. I will not be an enabler for his bad behavior. However, if something is going on with our Mom that should be relayed, I would tell all my brothers as I am the primary contact.

I'm really sorry that you (and the rest of us who are dealing with sibs) have to go through this on top of the stress of care giving. At least you know you're not alone and maybe that will provide some comfort. Best to you.

Because of her lack of communication all of these years I feel that you don’t owe her anything. If she wants to know what’s going on with her mother then she should call the facility and ask them or go see her. DO NOT LET HER PUT YOU ON A GUILT TRIP!!! You have nothing to be guilty about.
Probably 90% of the time only one sibling winds up taking care of their parent(s) when they become ill. Most of the time they don’t communicate with the caregiver except when it benefits them or they start feeling guilty and they can’t handle it. Then they try to make you feel guilty. Don’t allow it to happen to you. Ignore her texts or better yet block her number if you get upset by her texting or calling you.
Take care of yourself and feel good about what you have done for your mother. 🥰

NO GUILT! It's rather evident over the long term that she doesn't care to be involved...but now with the end of mother's life nearing maybe it is your sibling feeling guilty. The main point is who has taken responsibility for and had poa for mother. Most likely you.

Your sister is gaslighting you. She needs you to question yourself in order to feel less crappy about her own lack of involvement in her mother’s care.

I don’t mean to be insensitive to your suggestion that “death is not imminent,” but at 100 there are fewer days ahead than behind. Your sister has known this since your mother was in her 80’s. She’s understandably feeling guilty as time passes and she loses her opportunity for closure on their relationship, however strained. That’s natural. Whatever their situation, a maternal bond exists, as does your sister’s wish that their relationship had been better. But she can’t go back. And with the onset of dementia, their ability to connect may be gone as well.

Don’t let her guilt become yours. I have an absent sibling as well. I know that on some level, he is jealous of the closeness I have with my parents in my role as a caregiver. He almost regresses when he visits to the point of a spoiled brat. It’s obvious he’s struggling, but he’s not my responsibility. Our parents are.

You’ve done as best you can by your sister, especially given her lack of interest. Do yourself a favor and only communicate via email. That way, things can’t get misconstrued. And, it deprives her of a chance to manipulate you. If you give her the contact numbers, she can be responsible for how much information she gets. Make clear to caregivers that she is an “information Only - not decision-maker” family member, and be done with it.

We all have fewer days ahead than behind, as well. Make the most of them by only surrounding yourself with things and people that add joy to your life. Your sister needs to sort out her issues for herself.

Tell her to get in tune with life .... if she showed much interest in past you would have told her

My question is ...  what did she do for your mom's 100th? - did she show up/send a card/ignore it - her level of participation/
respect then should not exceed what info she gets now

So basically take a page from her book in what level to include her & if she is a drama queen [as I suspect] then proceed with caution - tell her quite frankly that she will be kept in the loop at the same level as she has shown interest etc in past & only if/when you have the time as your time is being spent helping mom

Let her get off her fat behind & come to visit if she wants to know how mom is doing - send out an occational group email to the whole family & include her but nothing special because she is feeling guilty however she is doing nothing other than annoy you about being in real contact - inform staff that she might call & is to be given info [ask them to record & inform you about these calls] when she calls

Her "true colors" have been shown by her long ago and they weren't pretty. How dare she make statements about mother's care - when she never really cared to begin with. Let it go, else it keeps eating at you. Not worth it.

I have kind of a similar situation. My 58 year old brother stopped talking to our parents two years ago. This January my Mom had an emergency surgery and nearly lost her life. My father is currently in a rehabilitation center because he broke his prosthetic hip and more. Mom had me email my brother which he said was all that he would answer. So I typed her message to him. I'm 65 and his older sister and have been dissociated too. There has been no answer to the email as of yet. It's my Mother that still has faith that he will return. Her heart is with him despite his cruel departing words when he stopped communicating. I believe that despite how we feel, it's the Mother or Father involved who's feelings have to be seen by us. I for one won't ever give in due to my brothers misguided and cruel accusations. I was raised by these people too and they are loving, kind, and were always there for us all the way. In this case an evil daughter- in - law plays into it all. So I must drop back and listen to my moms heart while putting my anger about him on the shelf. I guess I'm saying that we just have to support our Moms hearts despite our feelings and knowledge of destructive truth. Hard though. For me I just let my brother go and I have to allow Mom to feel the way that she wants.

My husband and I cared for my Dad in our home while he underwent chemo and radiation for lung cancer at age 90.  My two siblings basically abandoned my parents, as they were 'too busy' to help with getting my Mom to her PT appointments while I took Dad to all of his appointments and treatments.  I work full-time and have two hours of commuting daily, and neither sibling has a 'job'.
Once my parents moved into our home, Dad wanted no parts of my two siblings and forbid me to contact them or let them in our house.  I promised both my parents I would never out either of them in a facility and I lived up to my promise.  I was happy to take care of my Dad and spend time with him, and also to be able to do something for HIM at a time in his life when he needed it.  He was placed on hospice care in August 2017 although it was only so that he received daily care, not so much end of life care.  He passed away at the end of September.  I asked my Dad if he wanted to see anyone, and he emphatically said NO.  I respected his wishes and he was surrounded with our family when he passed.  I did contact my two siblings when he passed, and they showed up at his funeral with their kids who hadn't seen my Dad in over a year.  That was the last time my Mom and I saw any of them. I have no guilt because I respected my parents wishes and kept my promises to them.  My siblings have no closure and they never will.  They didn't so much as call me when they knew what my Dad was going through.  I can sleep at night knowing I did everything I could for my Dad and he was taken care of every single day, and I was there beside him.
You should do what your heart tells you to do.  If your siblings don't make a point of participating in your Mother's life, that is a choice they are making for themselves.  An occasional text or card is not participating in someone's life.  If you are your Mother's primary caregiver and decision maker, your focus should be on what's best for your Mother and making sure you are there for her, not rebuilding broken relationships with siblings who haven't done that for themselves.

My husband and I cared for my Dad in our home while he underwent chemo and radiation for lung cancer at age 90.  My two siblings basically abandoned my parents, as they were 'too busy' to help with getting my Mom to her PT appointments while I took Dad to all of his appointments and treatments.  I work full-time and have two hours of commuting daily, and neither sibling has a 'job'.
Once my parents moved into our home, Dad wanted no parts of my two siblings and forbid me to contact them or let them in our house.  I promised both my parents I would never put either of them in a facility and I lived up to my promise.  I was happy to take care of my Dad and spend time with him, and also to be able to do something for HIM at a time in his life when he needed it.  He was placed on hospice care in August 2017 although it was only so that he received daily care, not so much end of life care.  He passed away at the end of September.  I asked my Dad if he wanted to see anyone, and he emphatically said NO.  I respected his wishes and he was surrounded with our family when he passed.  I did contact my two siblings when he passed, and they showed up at his funeral with their kids who hadn't seen my Dad in over a year.  That was the last time my Mom and I saw any of them. I have no guilt because I respected my parents wishes and kept my promises to them.  My siblings have no closure and they never will.  They didn't so much as call me when they knew what my Dad was going through.  I can sleep at night knowing I did everything I could for my Dad and he was taken care of every single day, and I was there beside him.
You should do what your heart tells you to do.  If your siblings don't make a point of participating in your Mother's life, that is a choice they are making for themselves.  An occasional text or card is not participating in someone's life.  If you are your Mother's primary caregiver and decision maker, your focus should be on what's best for your Mother and making sure you are there for her, not rebuilding broken relationships with siblings who haven't done that for themselves.

As a volunteer with numerous patients and families over the years I have learned that it is virtually always better to take the high road and tell the siblings/children/spouses when the person is in Hospice. Give them a chance to make their amends/peace with each other, Keep your conscience clear that you did the right thing. Do not let anger/revenge control your actions. There is too much bitterness in the world today as it is. You never know what a good deed like this will do for you as well as those involved. Don't give anyone the opportunity to blame you if they choose not to follow the "right" path.

We have a difficult situation in my husband’s family with one sister that has untreated mental issues. Over the past 20 years all kinds of accusations and threats. While her sons were younger none of the family were allowed contact and they were told no one cared and we all abandoned them. But when anything important happened with FIL one sister always bit the bullet and let her know. She was informed when Dad was moved to the SNF and once there we were able to have the facility notify her of his move to memory care and when he was transported to the hospital. Once sons were adults we have been working to repair the broken relationships. We now contact them to keep them informed of family changes. I feel that it is important to at least share the information when possible and let the other person make their own decision on what action they want to take. Yes it may mean some nasty phone or text messages from SIL but we can be of clear mind that we didn’t try and cut her or her sons out of knowing.

1️⃣PART 1:
I was my mother's sole full-time caregiver for the last 10 years with one brother 3 houses down from mother's house and the other brother is 17 hours away. It wasn't necessarily received well that mother had chosen me to be her caregiver several years before after we had been through a very emotional experience with her mother, my grandmother, together (she & I without the brother's presence). She.was specific about wanting to be cared for in her home or mine until the end unless she became a danger to herself. So in my attempt to keep any peace possible, I emailed, in great detail after every appointment so they were not left out for several years. My thought was if I included them maybe their issues and angst towards me might lessen. The brother who was 17 hours away only came back for Christmas & only called on her birthday & Mother's day, the other one who was 3 houses down, despite havimg to pass the house to come and go anywhere only popped in about once a month. But on the rare occasion that conversations between us occurred I began to notice as I would mention some reference to a previous email about mother. Over time I began to realiize neither one was reading the emails, which completely infuriated me to no end after the criticism, judgement, disrespect and disregard for me but more so for mother's own decision which was taken out on me. So I stopped informing them of details. Eventually, after 5 years for reasons that were never determined the brother who was 17 hours away stopped coming home for Christmas, which completely devastated my mother and as always I was the only one who was there to listen to her son, comfort her,.watch her heart break, question herself and wonder what she did wrong in raising him to make him feel like not coming home knowing one day she may not remember him as well as one day she'd be gone. Over the last 5 years of this I became more and more resentful about this and was so filled with hatred towards him that on those 2 times a year he bothered to call I just handed the phone to mother and didn't speak to him.
About a year ago for some reason he was coming back for Christmas which I didn't tell mother until it was absolutely confirmed because I was not going to put her through the rollercoaster of emotions. She was beyond over the moon, it was all she talked about for the week leading up to his arrival. The day he was supposed to arrive, we were all waiting and mother was just fidgeting with excitement about getting to see him finally because she missed him terribly! We waited and waited...then my other brother got a call from my oldest who should be walking through the door any moment. He was calling to say that they just didn't think they were going to be making it this year. Now, they didn't JUST decide this or come to this conclusion at that very moment, for which he didn't bother to even offer an explanation. I'm pretty sure there was an indication when they didn't pack the day before, put gas in the car, or any other preparation one typically does prior to going out of town. But let's just say they were gambling with time and going to wait until the very last minute to do all that. So, ALL DAY while they sat watching TV, which was when they would be driving, this was surely now evident that they had made the decision not to come. Yet he waited until dinner time, the time he should be arriving, to think about taking a second to remember he should call to tell us that nope, after all he's just not going to make it. To say I completely lost my shit on him is the understatement of our entire relationship. (Pardon me if I offended anyone). When I normally go to great lengths to avoid him, while I was comforting my mother who was openly sobbing now, I couldn't contain myself any more. I calmly told mother I'd be right back, kissed her on the cheek and said we'd get through this.
Continued...

2️⃣PART 2:
I jumped up, went to my brother who was still on his phone talking in another room to the other brother who just ripped out my mother's heart. I grabbed the phone from my brother and verbally vomited many years of anger I had suppressed that he caused mother. But the last thing I said to him was that since he just had found it unnecessary to visit mother at Christmas or any other time of year, didn't call her except 2 times throughout the years, wouldn't do video chat despite her continually asking to see his.face because she missed it so much so I informed him that since he just couldn't manage to find time or see the importance, make her a priority while she is alive and remembers him, could still recognize him then I wanted to make very clear that taking that all into consideration then he needed to know that if he couldn't squeeze in time she'd requested when she's alive then he need not expect to be expected nor welcome to bother himself to come back when she dies because it's only HER who wants to see him or anything to do with him and to come after she's gone is just too late and not necessary for him to bother himself. If he can't do it at her request then don't bother to come for some type of closure or to appear to others at the services that you've been any sort of presence in her life when you haven't even been a mere fixture. I gave the phone back to my brother and had to go outside to calm down so I didn't upset mother more than she was already. We hadn't spoken since and my hatred for him filled me up completely. I had even said to others that after mother was gone, in many years, I would have nothing to do with him I was done with him and disgusted with how deeply he had hurt her. Well, unexpectedly 5 weeks and 3 days ago I suddenly lost my mother. I just lost my whole life, my entire world, my person, my everything and I was more lost than I've ever been in my life. Surprisingly, I can't say I forgot it but I was certainly able to put all that hated for him aside and reach out to him to let him know what happened. He was noticeably upset, which is unusual since I've wondered almost my entire life if he even had a heart? But I could actually hear true emotion in his voice, which made me know that I had done the right thing by letting down my guard, not letting my anger keep him from coming one last time, I was so glad I didn't take that away from him regardless how much he broke mother's heart. I think she would've been equally as crushed had he not been there to see her for the last time and maybe make his own peace or whatever he needed to do. But I didn't want to live with knowing I took that from him which.is something he would never have the chamce to do ever again.
Now, had he not shown up then that would've been on his own conscience to live with for the rest of his life. But I knew the decision I made was exactly how my mother raised me to be and I knew she would be proud of not being selfish.
I know it took a lot to get to my point. But one thing I have learned is while you can't force those siblings who are distant to be more present (like they should). It is so aggravating to deal with them, believe me I know, but if you make to call to not inform them of any chamges, even the insignificant ones, it will open the door for you to be on the receiving end of their projection claiming you are the reason why they are not able to be there. Also, their sad and hurtful decision to be absent is on them so let it remain that way. By you reducing yourself to their behavior and letting your own feelings make the call instead of keeping the door open & encouraging the sibling and parent to have the relationship they choose, then you are truly doing what's best for your parent even though it's very difficult to find a way to bite your tongue.

3️⃣PART 3:
I completely understand the challenges that come with doing this, but think about being a caregiver in general. Every single aspect of it, whether they are in your home or a facility, the caregiver sacrifices a lot their own time, their life, themselves all for what is best for the person they are caring for. This is just another layer of that exact same thing that we do as caregivers. Many things as caregivers are extremely difficult and we learn to adapt in some way over time. This will be just another adjustment for you but I assure you in the end you will know you did the right thing by not making the decision, not controlling the situation and one of 2 things will come of this: either they will spend time together, which will leave nothing possibly you could be blamed for OR you open the door, step out of the way and the sibling remains absent and doesn't take the opportunity to make what of the situation whatever it could be, and in which case you did everything you could and yet again nothing possibly could be blamed on you- this is ALL on the sibling who chose this. It will give you a freeing feeling, believe me. There's enough caregivers carry heavily on their shoulders, that doesn't have to be another one, so allow yourself to let the sibling carry this decision, this accountability, the choice but you can know you did the right thing for your parent as a caregiver and also a their child. Let yourself feel good about that, caregivers don't get many situations where that's an option. I highly recommend you give this one to yourself. 💜
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