My mom has anosognosia, involving both her mental/emotional health issues, and her dementia. She's simply unaware of any of her issues and thinks she's perfectly healthy, and a little forgetful time to time. After daily caring for her in her home (which she lately didn't recognize as her own) for almost a year, we moved her to memory care about 3 weeks ago. For the first 3 days she called us non-stop, begging us to come get her and take her home. Lots and lots of anger, drama "they are constructing my coffin here," and tears. Bargaining non-stop. It was really rough. I understand she was devastated..it's like ripping a bandaid off. Then she stopped calling, likely because she had packed up all her things, including the list of phone numbers we had left her.
We've gone to visit one time, and it was horrible. Raging anger. She even pulled the fire alarms after we had gone.
I've called her once since then and so has my brother, and it's the same thing, The anger has subsided some, and now its just a lot of tears and overwhelming sadness about how we deserted her and left her for dead, etc.
We just basically empathize and let her vent, and when she asks about going home, we just tell her she can't live there anymore. Over and over.
According to the activities director, mom is doing as well as anyone would hope. She's well within the normal range of the transfer trauma that happens. She even went out to lunch for an outing, which frankly shocked us.
At this point, we struggle with calling her or going to visit. We don't want to purposely upset her, especially if she's generally getting on okay. Nearly everything I read says how important it is to stay in touch with the one you've moved, but even though there's a part of her that misses us, the bigger part just wants to rage at us like we are all teenagers. We were hoping at one point to able to visit with her, and take her out from time to time. This doesn't seem at all possible; though it hasn't even been a month. One of the staff says it's possible she will remain angry at us for a very long time..which we can accept. And wouldn't be a surprise...mom tends to hold grudges forever and has always been a martyr.
Has anyone been through a similar situation?
Did you just not visit or call, or just call? With what frequency?
Did you just leave them to the staff to create a new life and not be involved?
Did it resolve after a period of time, or just stay that way until the dementia got worse and they forgot what they were mad about?
I visited Dad once a week on Sunday, usually for an hour or two but if Dad started a rant, I would leave immediately saying "see you next week" as I walked out the door.
I had mom and dad with different levels of dementia who went into care within days of each other. It was a big hot mess and I can’t say they really ever adjusted but did come to sort of grudgingly accept their fate.
I also was the complaint department. The last living relative so I got both barrels. I pulled back after getting them moved and settled in. Mom could have had a nice life there but she refused to take part in any activities, preferring to lie in bed staring at the ceiling hating me.
Funny thing though.....I’d sneak in and watch from the lobby as mom and dad had dinner in the “Fancy Dining Room”. There they’d be, yuking it up with the other ladies, mom eating everything in site. But around me: HOW COULD YOU PUT US IN THIS PRISON!!
As you had mentioned in your post, the dementia does increase and so did some of the anger. But realistically it never really gets good.
If they do start on us, we just gather up our things and leave, if they start on the phone we hang up and block their # for a period of time. If there is an emergency the home will call us.
You and your brother are her complaint department, I have told my step father that the complaint department is on the 4th floor and that I no longer work there so give it up already, nothing will change, you are not moving anywhere.
Complaining becomes a hobby with some people of that generation. Not only does it baffle me, I have no time for it either.