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I need advice on behalf of my mom who I help with taking care of my grandparents. 1 1/2 years ago, my grandpa got sick and has slowed down significantly since. That was when my mom and her three older siblings found out that my grandparents granted my mom POA and executor in 2004. My eldest aunt wasn't happy. The other two older siblings didn't care at the time. My oldest aunt is very narcissistic and controlling and made up a bunch of lies to get my other aunt and uncle to side with her and go against my mom. My uncle rarely visits and checks on my grandparents and my aunts who don't work don't want to help my mom take my grandparents to the doctors, get their groceries or pick up their medicine which is why I have stepped up to help her because she works 2 jobs and has two bone on bone knees. My eldest aunt said she wants to enjoy her husbands retirement and doesn't think their children should be their "slaves". My eldest aunt has threatened several times to strip away my moms POA which my grandparents don't want. She wants them put in a home. They don't have dementia but deal with short term memory loss and normal aging of the brain which my oldest aunt is trying to claim as them being incompetent. They still cook dinner, bathe themselves and remember our names and major events, etc. The doctor hasn't claimed either of them incompetent and don't think they are ready for a home in the near future. My oldest aunt and uncle recently went to my grandparent's lawyer without them knowing to coerce their lawyer into thinking my mom is making my grandpa sell his things and isn't taking care of them and to get them to sign a document granting them access to their medical records even though my grandparents didn't want them having access. They also showed the lawyer an edited picture of my grandpas face all bruised from falling which never happened. Fast forward the following week when the lawyer reached out to my mom, she went there with my grandparents to show my grandpas face and clear up the lies they told him. The lawyer said he didnt want to get in the middle of a family feud and basically made my grandparents sign the document to grant them all access of their medical records to settle things down. My grandpa called the next day upset and told the lawyer he was going to fire him for going against their wishes and the lawyer fired back and said my mom made him call and say that which is 100% false. We revoked the medical record forms with their doctor to the lawyer. This feud has my grandparents and my mom upset. We got some other legal advice about the lawyer incident and are currently seeking a new lawyer but we are afraid of what my aunt is capable of especially having the other two siblings on her side and her erratic behavior. She purposely killed my grandpas car so he couldnt drive, snuck his house key to make keys for my other aunt and uncle, told my mom shes gonna have her nurse daughter bring covid over there and we need to let them starve because people with dementia that her daughter works with dont want to eat and want to die. My other aunt has physically assaulted my mom over this POA, and things just keep getting worse. I could be wrong but I believe they're afraid of not getting anything out of my grandparents when they pass even though they don't have a lot to give. The doctors have all of this written in their records and know what's going on and have it documented that only my mom and I have been taking them to the doctor this entire time. All my mom wants is to keep them healthy and in their home and take their doctors' advice. I hope I'm making sense... We just don't know what to do when they have strength in numbers and have followed my oldest aunt's lead. My mom knows if she gives up her POA it won't be in the best interest of my grandparents and they don't want that either.
I am afraid this is all much too complicated for me, a total stranger on a Forum, to comment on. This represents years of feuding. You are not really involved and were I you I would stay as far from this as possible.
If you believe your grandparents to be in danger at any point for any reason from the Sibs at War then I would call APS. Otherwise they will live their lives as they have likely been doing just about forever--just squabbling away. I doubt there is anything that ANYONE can do about ANYONE here. Certainly not me!
I hope others have just wonderful ideas for you to implement here.
By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington.
Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services.
APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid.
We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour.
APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment.
You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints.
Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights.
APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.
I agree that:
A.
I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information").
B.
APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink.
C.
APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site.
D.
If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records.
E.
This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year.
F.
You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
If you believe your grandparents to be in danger at any point for any reason from the Sibs at War then I would call APS. Otherwise they will live their lives as they have likely been doing just about forever--just squabbling away. I doubt there is anything that ANYONE can do about ANYONE here. Certainly not me!
I hope others have just wonderful ideas for you to implement here.
My brother is exuctore and POA, being both is never recommended or a good idea.
I'm sorry but since my brother has complete control , it is up to him to do everything.
I use to do a lot, but now I've cut way back because technically, if I have no control, I really shouldn't be.
I can honestly say I would love to see mom in an AL. But it's not up to me. I think she would be much better off and less lonely.
Im just like your aunt that wants to enjoy her retirement and learning to walk away and not worry. So I'm kinda on her side of all this.
Why should I do everything, when I am not even on her emergency call list, for the doctors?
I still do stuff but nothing like before. Also I'm doing less and told my family if/when mom needs more help I'm not doing more, than I am.
I think if this is to much on your mom, your grandparents should go in an AL.
I'm sorry, but us in are 60s shouldnt be ruining there health, and mental health for there parents, and you should be living your life.
Best of luck