We are providing 24/7 care for our father in his home. He is very ill but does nothing to try and get better. He continues to smoke and keeps falling. There are 5 children (we take turns) and we are all in the immediate area within 6 miles of his house.
Since first responders have had a high risk of contracting Covid-19, I proposed we call each other to get him up when he falls to reduce our risk of exposure to Covid. I have a sister that is refusing to call the rest of us. She insists on calling 911 when she is the one there. It makes me very uncomfortable as I am in my late 50's and have several underlying health conditions that would put me in a high risk category as well as two of my other sisters. We usually all work well together but this issue may divide us?
Paramendics with no PPE - yes I see the problem but in & out quick is ok I suppose.
It does sound like you have done a great job keeping him home as long as posible - without a doubt longer than he could ever have stayed at home without you all. Always remember that - a most generous gift. Even if the last bit is in a hospital. (And as you've found, when there the falls risk goes up, causing new & worse problems).
I gently ask.. would it be time for hospice instead? Dialysis can be gruelling. He may not be ready to stop just yet - but maybe ready to shift gears to more comfort? More recliner, less walking? A little bit less normal life & more simple enjoyments like a meal he likes, music he enjoys. There may be equipment Hospice can provide, like a bed that sits up or a standing machine to assist & reduce falls.
What a great team of siblings you are btw. So use that strength & work together. Hold a family meeting (phone or video) to get everyone's thoughts for a NEW plan.
Three of you are in a vulnerable category - is that right? Take this into consideration. If only two were left - could it work?
I wouldn't be prepared to injure myself or siblings for falls. I speak from years of experience after being in this position. I would call 911. The paramedics are trained & wear PPE as previously pointed out.
And why is Dad falling so much? Is this new? Med review required? Not using his walking aid (if one)?
Does his Doctor know?
You may be horrified at this suggestion.. but an option could be after another fall, a 'falls for investigation' is triggered, which gets medical look over where the family state *he's not safe at home* & transfered into emergency temporary respite for a while. Just an idea if you are at your wits end.
My sister said they were not wearing PPE last week when they came. They asked if any one has had a fever in the house and they were in and out as fast as they could. :-(
He is falling so much because he has extreme muscle weakness, wasting.
His Doctor is aware of the falls and we have reviewed his medications. I pushed to get him off of a muscle relaxer and hydrocodone and replaced it with Aleve and it helped his pain much better and he was a little stronger.
(We are looking for a new Dr.) He uses a walker and a wheelchair.
The next time he takes a bad fall we may resort to sending him to the hospital. Ironically he has fallen while in the hospital 3 times.
It is so hard to be around him because he is so unhappy. All our life he has preached to us we don't put our own in nursing homes but really that is where he needs to be. Our Mom spoiled him rotten and she told us "If I die first I want to apologize for the difficult time you will have with your father because he is very difficult". We feel she died early because he was/ is such a handful and she was not taking care of her own health. She only took one medication for hypertension. He takes 16 medications. He is oblivious how much he stressed her out and how much he stresses us out. I have so much guilt thinking it will be a relief when he passes.
Thank you for your reply!
You only have one life to live and should not waste it trying to help maintain his charade of independence.
We are all beginning to feel like since he does not try at all it is not worth our time. It is a very sad depressing situation. Thank you for your reply.
And the idea of a relay of five different people going to his house and looking after him is already... somewhat against current guidelines, shall we say.
What do the other three think? What sort of care are you providing for him, anyway?
I wonder if your sister is doing this in the hope that your father may be removed from his home, at least temporarily.
Your options are:
to refuse to go to your father's house;
to go, but wear a mask and PPE, use separate washing facilities, and observe protocols laid out by governments for domiciliary care workers (I'm absolutely certain your local or state authorities will have put these online - do a bit of Googling to find them);
to try to source alternative support for your father which will reduce the number of people going to his house.
But I can't say your sister is wrong to call for help when your father falls. That's certainly what I'm required to do, and what I would advise family caregivers to do. Then again: we have access to a dedicated Falls Response Team - they're not paramedics, they are specially trained people who do nothing but go round the county night and day scooping falls victims off the floor.
Which reminds me: if you look online for "Falls Lifting Cushion" you will see the sort of equipment they use. Not as expensive as I thought it'd be.
I do understand and agree with your concern about your own exposure, but to be honest it's your father's exposure I'd be more worried about!
The 5 of us have been taking care of him 24/ 7 for at least 1 1/2 years, so we were doing this way before Covid. He does not have funds to hire a full time caregiver. We are all working from home and ordering groceries delivered so our exposure is very minimal.
He refuses to go to a nursing home and refused to come live with me. No one will agree to live with him because he gets too demanding. (My sister lived with him a few months after Mom passed and he would get mad if she worked late, or if she fed him leftovers)
We have put him in rehab in the past and we have had physical therapy come through home health (several times) and he is non compliant with exercises. He gets discharged with no improvement. We have been taking care of him since 2011 when my Mom passed away suddenly. He has never been cooperative. Would not even warm up a plate of healthy food brought over for him unless we went over there and heated it up for him. We do absolutely everything for him except we do not have to feed him. We give him his meds, cook, clean, his bills get paid, help him with showers, get him dressed, he gets taken to Dr. appts etc....
He smokes in spite of having COPD and always laboring to breathe. I am not worried about his exposure because he hates life. He does not get any joy from his children being around him, he does nothing to help himself and he does not care what he is putting us through and he has stated many times "I just want to die". He goes to dialysis 3 x a week, all he would have to do is to stop dialysis if he really wanted to die.
My sister wanted to put him in a nursing home after our last try to get him in rehab failed but we decided not to do that because of Covid. We are hanging on by a thread and 3 out of the 5 of us are feeling burned out.
From what my sister describes when firefighters come they just pick him up and throw him in a chair or bed, there does not seem to be any assessment. I do believe she should call for help but we are all so close by I believe she should call us. I do not think the risk is worth it at this point. I think I will take your advice and wear my mask while I am there and do lots of handwashing. I will take a look at the lifting cushion. Thanks!