Sibling troubles, how do you handle them?
I really need someone to talk to and thought this would be safe and maybe give me some insight. My problem is... I talked to all my siblings before my husband and I moved back mainland to see if they thought they would have any problems with me taking care of our mother. Last year my father -in-law was dying from cancer in OK and my husband and I moved in with him until his dying breath. Hospice was wonderful by the way. This was only 7 weeks...When I got back to my Mothers home in CA, I was berated for leaving her so long when I promised to be her caregiver. I had a rough year all around but won't go into it right now. Things got so bad, my brother went off on me and brought back things from 50 years ago to complain about. I ran to my husband for a month to ND where he is working. All this accomplished was hurting Mom and myself. My brother and I sat and talked and I thought it is good to communicate. Last year my mother was in and out of the hospital for various problems and diagnosed with the onset of dementia. She had been walking around the house at night and fell 2 times (going to the hospital). We as a family were advised to sleep in the same room with her. I went out and got a twin bed for her room since I am here the most 24/7.This past month my Mother was in the hospital and my brother came came unglued again. He has accused me of being a selfish, self-centered bitch for wanting to go visit my son and new grand-baby in May. None of my siblings want to stay nights with mom and have to when I am gone. I also have a daughter on the East Coast and will have her meet me in MT to see her new niece and we can visit instead of me going to see her. I miss my family so much, I don't get to see my husband for 3 months at a time, my son and his family every 6 months and my daughter once a year. I don't feel like I am asking to much...my brother also said he and my sisters didn't know I would be going so often and leaving them to take care of mom. I don't have a problem with any of my siblings giving me some time, my one sister comes every Thursday so I can get a massage, which my husband said I need. My other sister works and is very busy but will do anything I ask. My brother used to do yard work and anything Mom needed, but now that we are not communicating, he doesn't come by except to pick her up for dinners at his house.He says he will do whatever I ask, but I am afraid to ask anything from the outbursts, he scares me. We had a family meeting to discuss Mom's dr. appointments, medications etc. and he showed his butt in that meeting also, but at least my sisters saw him in action. He said he needs to go to all appointments because he is the executor,advanced directive person and power of attorney for our mother. He said let me tell you what is in her will, and she can tell you right now she wants me to take care of all of it. Poor mom just sat there. I asked if we could go from here, today and forget all the past. All I got was.... and forget everything I have been doing for the 15 years you have been gone? I am done...I am here for my Mom, I made a promise to her and myself to never ever let her go to a nursing home. I will communicate through emails with my siblings but I am not here for them....Please anyone with any suggestions how to survive here please respond. Am a wrong to be done with my siblings, am a I being an arsehole? I won't get my feeling hurt they are hurting all ready. Thank you for letting me vent.
I am not getting paid anything, as a matter of fact my brother tells me I came back to have free rent.....I just don't understand what is happening to my brother....could it be he is scared to lose Mom, and takes his frustrations out on me? I told him depression is a family trait and it has been diagnosed for my grandmother, father, brother who passed away and both my sisters.Even Mom is on medication to help her sleep now. I am actually bi-polar but doing wonderful the past 2 years on a new medicine. He said he read someone with mental issues has a harder time being a caregiver. He also went bonkers when my father passed away and told my mom to take my sisters and me out of her will, we are useless losers who don't care about anyone by ourselves. He has a problem and won't except it.
Someone has to be here because Mom was wandering at night and had fallen 2 different times. She is on allot of blood thinners for heart and high blood pressure , diabetes, thyroid, and needs help with her medications. I have had to hand her them lately because I was finding some on the floor she dropped.
I have a calendar with all the dates I plan to be gone for a week to 2 weeks. May for Mother Day, my son, grandson's birthdays and to see my new grand-daughter, Aug. for my husbands birthday, and Thanksgiving because my son and his wife are off work at that time. From this I get being called controlling, manipulating and twisting things to get what I want.
Like I said in my first post, I am done with siblings, the only thing we have to talk about is Mom's care. My husband is about ready to pay for mom to have live in help and me leave if he hears anymore about family drama. I told him I am here until the end and we just have to live with this, he agreed but said just come visit when "I" want to, not when it is convenient for my sisters and brother. I can't talk to him about my family here, so feel alone right now.
I do not want to control, money, Dr. appointments, legal issues, paying bills and anything that doesn't have to do with the physical care my Mother needs. You are so right let him control everything except me!!!! I sure needed to hear that. Thank you and have a Blessed Day.
The problem is, you cannot control the actions of your brothers and sisters. You can only control your own.
What was the arrangement when you came to take care of your mother? Are you getting paid?
If a stranger -- a professional caregiver -- was taking care of your mom, do your brothers and sisters think that she would not have any time off? That there would never be emergencies she'd have to leave for? Ridiculous. So it might help to put this on a more business-like basis. Think through what time off you need, and present it to your brothers and sisters to figure out how they will cover those times. Maybe they will take turns. Maybe they will decide to bring in a professional caregiver. But whatever they decide, you decide what you need. Every Thursday afternoon off, two weekends a month, a week every quarter, and, of course, emergencies. And if what you propose isn't suitable, then they can figure out how to do without you altogether.
You brother may have DPOA, medical proxy, and executorship, but he is not in charge of you. You can't control his outbursts, but you can control your behavior.
You say your mom has just normal old age issues, but those don't usually require 24/7 care. Could you explain a little more what your mother needs?