My 81 yo father spends a lot of time staying with my wife & I but my siblings contribute very little. It is causing tension in our house. My father spends 3-4 days a week with us, and we also provide meals for him when he is at home. When he is sick he moves in with us (3-6 weeks a time) unitl fit enough to go home. He makes no contribution at all, which is fine as money is not the issue for us. However, my two siblings live much closer to him and contribute very little financially go out of their way to spend time with him and it has evolved in the 3 years since my mother passed away that we'll do it all. Both siblings have 'borrowed' thousands of dollars from him over the years and never repaid him, whilst I have been financially independant of my parents (my choice). I feel growing resentment to my siblings that lately is manifesting as impatience towards Dad. I don't want to fall out with him but open communication on such topics I fear would not be well received to say the least. I would love some ideas to protect my relationship with Dad and ensure he is cared for.
The reason your Dad spends more time with you is because he knows your love for him is unconditional and won't cost him anything. It seems your siblings go out of their way to see him when they're strapped for cash that they have no intention of paying back, and your father knows it. If I were him, I'd run for cover too if my own children saw a big ATM sign on my forehead.
Please don't take it out on him. It's not his fault your home is apparently his only refuge. I suggest you visit your siblings so you can all arrange spending time with your Dad without the old man being used, abused, or taken advantage of in any way. He really doesn't deserve it.
By the way, before you visit your siblings ask your Dad how much money they have borrowed from him and work out a realistic payment plan. Either you'll meet static or have to listen to boo-hoo-hoo stories, but the fact remains those were loans, not gifts. Push comes to shove, take them to Judge Judy.
-- ED
I was asked to quit my job over 2 years ago, to stay home and care for Mom full time. Unlike my siblings, my husband and I have no cash to fall back on and are getting close to retirement age. Because of this, I told my siblings I would have to be paid my work salary and be reimbursed for the extra cost to put me on my husband's medical insurance. These were my terms if they wanted me to care for Mom.
The main reason I was "chosen", is that Mom owns a four family house, and I have lived in it for all but 2 years of 59. Dad died at the age of 54, and my youngest brother was only 13. I have been helping Mom all these years, and she depends on me for everything. Now that she has dementia and advancing Parkinson's, she has needed total care for the last 2 years. When I agreed to all this, my siblings also agreed to help out and watch her on weekends. Guess what?!!>> They always have excuses for not being able to show up! My husband and I have been away exactly 2 nights in the last 3 years, and were spending almost every weekend at home while I kept an eye on Mom.
Luckily she took out Long term Care insurance about 10 years ago, and after much paperwork, she is collecting on that. I have a CNA that now stays with her 35 hours a week, over the course of 5 days. She just started working the weekend days so that my husband and I could get some of our life back. I still have to deal with Mom every day and especially at night, but at least I now have some time to myself.
Take my advice and give up on your siblings. Everyone will tell you that the care of an aging parent, always falls on the shoulders of one child. Do what you can, and stop obsessing about the others. It will only make you bitter and cause you anguish. It won't make them act any differently. As for your resentment making you impatient with Dad, that's normal. Don't be so hard on yourself. It's a tough road you are headed down, and if there is one thing the rest of us eventually learned, it's cut yourself some slack!!! Take one day at a time, and don't let what other people do or don't do destroy you!
Good luck and take care.