Signs of mental decline?
Hello, my mom is 76 years old. I am living with her, temporarily, as I had to come back to New Mexico after my divorce. I have noticed my mother's anxiety is off the charts. She cleans excessively and she found a bug in her bed. This led to having to change the bed, me calming her down (she was in tears), and everything I do annoys her. She refused to sleep in her bedroom until the exterminator comes out to spray.She really hates my dogs, for one, as they do normal dog things like shed, track in a bit of mud, etc.
She still can do all basic hygiene and can remember most things, but will be absent minded a bit. I have plans for my own life in a couple years, and she has talked about moving closer to her sister. Is this irritability a just old age? She has a hard time sleeping and her anxiety is hard to see.
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You have dogs, this brings another level of stress for someone that is used to being alone.
Now a few questions..
Has mom always been a little OCD about cleaning? If so this is nothing new and I would worry more if she stopped if this has always been a thing for her.
You say mom is a bit "absent minded" That is par for the course when there is a lot going on. BUT if she is forgetting appointments, forgetting to pay bills, forgetting where she lives, forgetting where the dishes go that is a whole 'nuther aspect of forgetfulness and it should be checked.
If she drives, have you ridden with her? Is she safe? (is the public safe with her driving?)
We are getting close to Open Enrollment time you could encourage her to get a physical before the end of the year if she has not seen a doctor in a while.
I feel my SIL wants their privacy. My aunt is younger than my mom, but thinking of living in senior housing close to my aunt. I think my mom needs this as well.
Her idea of moving in with her also anxiety-ridden older sister is likely to not go well either. People like this tend to think a move will be all "roses-roses" and generally that honeymoon period is very short-lived.
At mom's age, a good option right now may be to find her a place of her own, maybe a senior apartment, where she can live close to one of you, but not WITH one of you. Either you or your brother would fall into the over-seer role for a time, but YOU can limit her demands to fit YOUR schedules.
If she goes to the 10-year-older anxiety-ridden sister, your mom will most likely be called on a lot, and she will likely become the caretaker of big sis. With Mom's anxiety, it is really doubtful that she could handle that role!
I think that your mum needs to see a doctor for help with whatever is reducing the quality of her life.
I also think that you should live separately from your mum. You need your own life.
Mum is of an age when she can move into some type of senior living facility. She would have the opportunity of making new friends her own age and joining in with any activities available.
It wouldn't be selfishness on your part to encourage your mum to expand her horizons, as living with her children means that her world has shrunk. I don't think it could have been good for her to have lived with your brother for so many years - since she was a relatively young woman.
You also need to consider that it would be more difficult for your mum to transition into a more suitable accommodation in two years time, after having got used to living with you.
You don't need your mum holding your hand and your mum doesn't need to be somewhere that's clearly causing her stress. Make the change now, for both your sakes.
It sounds to me like you and your dogs have a great deal to do with exacerbating your mother's anxiety. It's her home.
If I were you, I would make plans to move out ASAP and allow your mother to live as she pleases without animals in the house and without you putting her under a microscope. Especially since everything you do annoys her.
We often perplex ourselves with imaginary troubles. We decide that things are worse than they are so we set out to fix them and end up making them worse.
The primary MD should also do a "Medicare Depression Screening" now covered to see if this might be an issue. Depression and Anxiety often go hand in hand. If she is willing to express to her MD "her concerns" -- that MD might consider a low does anti-anxiety Rx or anti-depressive Rx (many treat both).
If you know her primary MD, you can also communicate with him/her re: your concerns. Her MD cannot tell you anything about her, unless she has given you explicit permission, but family members can always "tell" the MD their concerns. Note that your are sharing this in "confidence" but want him/her to know you are seeing severe anxiety in your mom and that worries you. Perhaps at her next visit he/she can talk about this and perhaps consider a Rx for this.
I think helping your mom move closer to her sister so that she can enjoy her golden years would be a nice thing that you could help her with.
At the age of 76, she does need to put some things in place so that when she does need assistance, POA (financial & medical) has already been established.
My mom had a lot of anxiety and had a hard time making decisions in the beginning of her decline. A visit to someone who specializes in dementia would not be a bad thing for your mom.
I read all your responses so far. Get Mom help with her anxiety. Then maybe an apt of her own. Where I live, HUD has apts for Seniors. They require you pay 30% of your monthly income for rent. There is help out there for her.
I will be 75 soon and I know it would be hard for me to live with one of my kids.
Don't take over anything. Let her handle everything as she has been doing without you there. By that I mean SHE handles whether to get an exterminator and calling and etc. Do NOT trip into enabling this behavior. If there's a lot of anxiety suggest she discuss with her MD, NOT WITH YOU. Hopefully she will move by the sister, not by or with you.
My mother was so anxiety ridden and OCD her whole life, refusing to treat it, that she wound up driving everyone else crazy! Once she went on Wellbutrin, she calmed down quite a bit......at 86 years old! 😑
Don't write things off to "old age" without getting them checked out. Crying over a bug is not normal. Whether mom hates having you and your dogs around we cannot say. Just ask her. If that's the case, and it's your house she is living in, drive her over to her sisters place. Although two anxiety ridden women living together w/o addressing their issues sounds like hell on earth to me......
Best of luck to you.
The older we get the more set in are ways we get, I'm going to try to not let that happen. But it does to us all one way or another.
I can definitely see how to some having a dog around all the time after not having one , could go either way. It could be a positive company, or like your mom.
Best of luck, doggiemom
She should really be in IL or AL so that she can have her own private space/life to help reduce her anxiety and give her kids their own lives. Whoever she lives with will become her caregivers eventually.
Who is her PoA?
So help her find a place of her own, so you and she can have peace in your lives, where you both can do what you want, when you want and if you want.
Living with someone that you're not used to living with can be very stressful and cause great anxiety. I'm guessing that once mom is on her own that her anxiety will decrease tremendously.
Plus since you're newly divorced, you really need to be living on your own anyway, so you can truly enjoy the life ahead of you, without all the extra drama.
Don't you think you had enough drama with your ex-Mark? Or are you one that thrives with lots of drama in their lives?
The older I get, the less drama I want in my life, however I know that you are much younger, and perhaps haven't reached that stage yet.
But you can't put a price on peace, and that is worth far more than any drama, and peace cannot coexist with drama. So take your pick.
I hate seeing her stressed and I love her, but I am unsure what to do. I make any kind of noise and it sort of annoys her.
They say after 65 the brain starts to decline.
I'm a little confused, this if your house, your moms living in?
I know my grandma developed crippling anxiety and agoraphobia at the last of her life and I don't want to see my mom go through it .
Tell her she has to leave as you can not subject yourself or your dogs to the nonsense in your home.
You state you are living with her, temporarily. That is different then what you are saying.
She is my own age, and if my daughters tried this one on me, they would get more than ‘irritability’ in reply!
Doggymom, go get your own place, bringing multiple animals to someone else's home because you need a place to live is very self-centered, imo.
My dad wanted to bring 4 of the 8 dogs he and his wife had, nope, 1 was it and that was being generous. My world wasn't going to be hijacked by a selfish senior that thought they were more important, even though he was the one that needed a place to stay. Don't be one of those!