My father is in a nursing home, they have 5 children and mother visits him daily. The children do visit weekly at least twice if not more a week. Do know that both parents age 88 and 84 can be forgetful, but they use the pity card also, tell false information that is not true. They will say a sibling does not come around and visit, thus the sibling they are telling this information to believes this information and thus humiliate that sibling in front of others without the correct facts but then does not apologize. Our parents think that their children should come visit daily at the nursing home, as of now this is our fathers permanent home, his health is good, etc. All of their children make weekly visits, go to Dr. appts. etc., but just wished they knew not to believe everything they are told or at least verify the facts they are concerned about before making accusations in front of strangers where you look bad and embarrassed and thus unable to apologize afterwards for being misinformed on information they were given. It is just amazing how your parents treat their children differently, not knowing that they are causing conflict/resentment between their children and not realizing it. We all love and care for each-other, share in the responsibilities of care-giving. But since our father entered the nursing home it has brought so much stress/anxiety on all of us, that it is nearly impossible to communicate on a friendly basis, if you make a phone call instead of hello, it is "what do you want". Just wish family would get back to way it was before this, not saying it was perfect then, but lots better..
I am an only child and I know my mother would say bad things about me to others. I never really knew what she said or to whom, just that she tended to target me with her nasty remarks. So, whenever I was around people who also knew her, I was always very friendly and kind. I once heard her say something to a nurse at her facility and the nurse said, “Oh, now you know that’s not true!” She was defending me to my mother! Don’t worry so much about what other people think. It’s not that important as long as you’re ok with yourself.
Have a family meal at the nursing home with your father. Many facilities have "Family Dining Rooms" where the resident and the family can visit for 2-3 hours. Bring in KFC, Taco John, McDonald's or your father's favorite fast food along with paper plates and whatever you need for a meal. Check with facility to see if they supply ice water or ice tea or coffee.
We celebrated Thanksgiving and also Mom's birthday with meals in the nursing home's "Family Dining Room" which had dining room furniture with regular dining room tables and chairs. It felt like we were eating in our own dining room at home and not in a facility. Also, it gave us an opportunity to eat as a family again. For Thanksgiving we decorated the table and I brought place settings of Mom's, Fraternal Grandmother's and Maternal Grandmother's china and Mom's sterling silverware for the meal. Mom LOVED it!!
If the sibling you call is cranky, I'd ask why and try to work it out. If they refuse, I'd let them be. Eventually, they'll see that they can't rely on everything they hear from people who are not able to report things accurately.
You can also all go together to visit them. Then they can’t tell tales.
If possible, try getting together at a buffet or family style restaurant for a meal every 2-4 weeks. Talk about each other, the kids, sports, etc. Suspend talk about Mom and Dad unless it's something funny. Try to treat Mom's "reports" on sibling visits/performance as amusing/funny/unbelievable events - "Do you know what Mom had to say about XXX this week?" Give all the siblings a chance to relay the reports they have heard that week. Might let you talk about Mom's reports without making people defensive.