A few months ago, my 61 year old SIL learned her cancer has returned. The new tumor is inoperable and she is terminal. The family is saddened beyond belief. All of us stepped up to help her, driving her to appts and hospital stays, staying the night b/c she lives alone, grocery shopping, etc. Last month she decided to stop talking to us, taking our calls, not replying to texts. The only person she will communicate with is her 35 yr old daughter and that's sporadic. SIL is angry and depressed which is to be expected. I've known her almost 50 yrs and was not expecting to be cut off, much less her sibs. You can imagine how my husband feels to not see his sister. I respect her need for privacy,she and I share this trait, but I don't know how far to let this go. She told us if we just showed up at her house, she would call the police...that's how adamant she is and we know she would call. I've participated on AgingCare for years and feel I should I know how to handle this but I'm lost. I've dealt with my family having Alz, heart, kidney and liver disease, Patkinsons, to name a few but never cancer. SIL wants to die at home, we understand, but we honestly had hoped to be with her. I would appreciate any advice or thoughts to share with the family.
My other SIL is so upset over this and rightfully so. She loves her sister. She's entitled to her feelings also. It's just that she's not the one with cancer, like you said. I can't get thru to her so will quit trying. She can't win this battle but that's something she will have to learn on her own I'm afraid
Oh how sad about your friend's sister. I can understand her motive and I respect her decision to spare her family. My SIL mentioned taking pills but said she wouldn't out of respect for her daughter.
SIL suffered almost a year in pain before her oncologist relented for testing. Needless to say that doctor is not high on our approval list. Who does that to a patient who's had cancer before? She thought she was going insane, 5 doctors told her she was either ok or needed to see her physchiatrist (what???).
I send her cards every few weeks, text her just saying hi or send a pic of the dog, you know just normal stuff. Always tell her I love her and give me a call if she wants to chat. Nothing more can be done
Again, thanks for your supportive response. I'm seeing things a whole lot more clearly today. :-)
I don't think that we should support the mentality that "the government knows best" nor should we be afraid to do what is right. Best wishes to you in trying to deal with the family.
It must be so tiring to want to be left alone to die without having to deal with everyone else's feelings. Years ago one of my friends had a sister in your SIL's position. She drove to a mall parking lot and took an overdose and died quietly in her car. She left a note that she had wanted to spare anyone in her family from being the one to find her body. They all wished that she had let them be there for her. They were hurt and all have individually have to come to terms with her decision over time.
Tough time for all of you, take care.
Thanks again for your words of wisdom. It is appreciated during this difficult time.
I would suggest that you just write her letters, nice letters that keep the doors of communication open. Things like interests you shared in common. Nothing long or lecture based.
Since you have had so many relatives that have been ill. You are probably quite familiar with the stages of grief and know that people's attitudes can change as they go through those stages. Poor lass, I hope she can find herself some comfort if being left alone doesn't comfort her enough.