My sister is caregiver for our Mom (94). My sister checks in, picks up laundry, and buys groceries for our 94 yr old Mom who lives alone in an apartment with her sweet little dog. My siblings are concerned for her well being. She is lonely, isolated, and maybe afraid... how do we proceed?? My sister gets hateful and tells us to mind our own business... I checked into homes with her a year ago... they came up with a place, and sis says " shes not ready". I just came home from Thanksgiving there... Mom's cognitive ability is very limited... she is just lost and sad. What can we do? PS: My sister refuses to call it Alzheimers.
Have you ever talked to your mother's doctor? Could you arrange to do that? Share the list of risky behaviors you have observed. Ideally if mother hasn't seen the doc lately you take her in for check up.
Is there some friend of the family that your sister would consider more objective than you are, who could/would speak up for your mother?
I agree with Sunnygirl, this constitutes an emergency.
Oh my....it sounds like she is really in need of help and that she's not able to care for a dog. Sounds like she's progressing with incontinence too. The trouble with leaving things for her to use like clean clothes, is that she may not be able to process thoughts that are required for it to work. And the initiative to do things is lost, so they may not think about changing clothes, eating, etc. even with reminders. Who's cleaning up after he now? It doesn't sound like she would be able to do laundry.
I found my loved one in a similar situation. She was saying that she eaten, bathed, changed clothes, cared for cat, but, when I actually got there, I saw that it wasn't happening. She was too far progressed to have the ability to take care of herself. She had plenty of spoiled food in the fridge, but didn't have the initiative to even open the door.
I'd discuss plans with sister ASAP, treating it as an emergency, and get mom to a safe place where she can be cared for. Just leaving it alone, wouldn't be an option for me.
But that can be costly, and maybe Mom cannot afford the monthly cost, even if she sold her apartment [unless she is renting] or maybe Mom is refusing to leave home, and your sister is using tough love to help make Mom change her mind. Or the Assisting Living won't take the dog [many AL do allow small pets], and Mom won't leave behind he dog.
That is why, as you know it is so important to work as a team for Mom's best interest. Your sister needs to get with the program. Jeannegibbs, above, had an excellent suggestion, take a week and stay with your Mom to see what is actually going on. Maybe Mom does have dementia, but is able to act normal around company [it's called showboating].... elders can also do this showboating in the doctor's office. Mom could do this around your sister, too.
Persons with dementia beyond the very earliest stages should simply not live alone. They need either around-the-clock caregivers in their home, or to live in a facility that has three shifts of trained workers.
What authority does your sister have? Is she POA? Does she have Healthcare Proxy (Medical POA)? Why does she get to make the decisions?