I am in poor health and am unable to provide level of care my dad needs. My sister insists we have to split the job (although she isn’t around much.) She has scared my dad my telling him I want to put him in an awful and nasty nursing home! (Not true!) But I’m stuck with hospital visits, trips to store and doctor, handling meds and appointments. She has a job, runs a business and also is promoting a book she wrote. Dad has plenty of money so he can afford nice care. She insists we must do the care “out of love”, but knows NOTHING about caregiving and won’t learn. (I cared for our mother for like 17 years while also raising a child). My sister is their favorite and I’m the bad one — although I’m the one who does all the important care. I’m deteriorating health wise and need advice. Thank you for lustening!
Ether Dad is independent, hires his own help or moves.
Which will it be?
Tell her you WILL NOT help her in any way, shape or form with dad's care, period. That you have health issues yourself and are in no shape to cut your life short by doing any more hands on caregiving. Sorry/not sorry sister dear, but YOU will have to do it all alone! That should open her eyes up very quickly to the fact that she's ignorant when it comes to HOW to do hands on caregiving, and, that it's impossible for her to do it alone.
Assisted Living is a much better answer, and if this cuts into your sister's inheritance, too bad about it. That's my advice to you; stick to your guns on offering NO help with dad, except to help her move him into AL, and see how it goes. If dad refuses to move into AL, then he'll have to agree to bringing paid caregivers into his home b/c your sister won't be able to handle it all by herself.
Best of luck!
You make no mention of dementia in your father in your profile. How old is he? How old are you? Your sister? What does your sister do for your father, since she "isn't around much"?
You can't make your sister agree to do more. You can't make your father (assuming he is legally competent) agree to hire outside help or to agree to Assisted Living.
You can't change others.
BUT you can take ownership of your own actions. You can stop the caregiving, and let the chips fall where they may. If your father doesn't realize the toll on your health that caregiving is taking, then he doesn't care very much about you.
Save yourself. YOUR health is your priority.
Is your sister the boss of you? Are you afraid of her? Does she have POA and you think that means she calls the shots?
My YB took over mother's care and didn't HAVE to--he chose it, month after month. His health suffered tremendously as he was working, trying to raise a family and has been morbidly obese for the last 25 years. His health is awful and we all truly worried he would die before mom did.
We had many meeting about spreading her care out a little better, but he fought us tooth and nail to be the primary CG, I'll never know why.
He was he MPOA, and he took that to mean he was in charge of her. Like, literally. It DOESN'T mean that! We sure didn't push him into doing ANYTHING for her, yet he took it on. If he got angry b/c one of us didn't 'step up', well, sometimes we had to remind him that he booted us all out of the loop many times.
You sister has a real attitude--making you feel guilty for not doing it all.
If mom can afford FT care, then by all means, get that for her! Yes, it will decrease your 'inheritance' but I know a lot of people who refuse to get FT care for their folks so 'they' can inherit more and by the time the parent dies...there really ISN'T any money to speak of.
Now is the time to be taking dad to look at places. I bet he's used to your bossy sister and might look forward to living in a place that has elderly gents like himself who'd LOVE to play checkers, go on outings, check out the chicks in the facility. A single man of any age in a NH can write his own ticket. He'll NEVER sit alone at a meal again.
Good Luck with this. Families are great until they're not. Don't kowtow to sis--be dad's voice and advocate!!
Have a meeting with your sister and your father to discuss your future level of commitment and participation to correct their expectations.
Even though you think your sister can’t handle whatever is remaining, let her make that decision for herself.
Hiring help is always an option that they might choose if your father wants to stay in his home and he may have enough resources to cover this without any contribution from you.
The neighbors are neither family nor healthcare professionals, seeking their consultation or advice could be humiliating to your father or even compromise his situation.
Realign your hopes of long-term relationships and communication with your family in accordance with your level of commitment to them.
Maybe you’ll show up as a character in your sister’s next book!
Lady, you have paid your dues in spades. You took care of your mom for 17 years!
Do as you damn well please at this point in your life.
Just because your sister has asked you to ‘split’ the caregiving doesn’t mean that you have to agree.
Where was she when you needed her to help with your mom? Huh? She was nowhere to be found, so pull the same disappearing act on her now.
Your sister has a lot of gall to ask you for anything!
I would say, “Are you serious? Not happening, Sissy! Find someone else or place dad in a facility where you won’t have to lift a finger, just like you did with mom.”
If she has to care for your dad like you did for mom, she most likely will be researching facilities in your area within a week.
The thing I have noticed from my own situation is that the one not doing the work is the one that downplays what is needed and downplays how hard it is.....
My answer that I posted earlier is very similar to yours 😊.
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