So I'm sitting here this morning drinking my coffee and thinking a lot, possibly too much...
My 94 year old mother with dementia has lived with me the past 2 years now since June. She's laying over there bedridden...and I'm sad, crying, feeling guilty that I could've/should've done more about letting her visit her home and be around the things she loved. She lived on the property where she was actually born and raised and loved to sit on the porch and try to figure out what the neighbors were doing, watch traffic etc. We did try to take her a few times when my hubby would do yard work and it went pretty well however the last time was somewhat of a disaster when she informed us she was going to stay and would not budge so we never took her back. Has anyone else ever had these type feelings??? I don't know, it just always seems I'm on an emotional roller coaster feeling guilt about one thing or another and today this is where my mind is.
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But you won't think that you are responsible for these, my losses. Because I am not your Mom. But you will try to take on the grief and loss you are seeing in your Mom. You see what is left at the end of all those losses, and in the end of our life it is ALL about loss. The loss of our looks, our health, our mental csapabilities, our autonomy, our homes, our choices, our friends. It is all about LOSS. If it goes on long enough you will look over the steaming cup to see your mom curled into a fetal position much like the one she left the womb in. All the muscles contractured to that final position that I looked at, and while an atheist still thought I saw a cycle the gods might devise for a full circle of life.
I think that all who do hands on care with elders, and all who are aging, recognize the grief at this loss and at witnessing it with all helplessness. I don't even do hands on care for my brother, but since I learned he has a probably Lewy's and since I took over the care of his affairs, I am somewhat obsessed in my mind. I do all I can to get away from it, but you are stuck there, and seeing it 24/7
As to guilt. Nope. I don't do that. I haven't killed anyone. But when you feel guilt please remember that only good people feel it.
I believe, if this is to go on long and long you may need to let go that you are responsible for everything. You are grieving and feeling responsible for things you should not have to. I don't think it will be better. I am so sorry.
Even though she was in her loved condo, she didn't know it most of the time. She seemed to think she was in a home. She would dress for breakfast, including jewelry and ask when the others would be there. I cared for her in her condo until I realized I could no longer.
I was able to find a wonderful memory care home for her near me. However that meant I needed to sell the condo (which was in my name) and pass on the items she would no longer be needing. Oh my,,,, that was not easy, especially before she passed, but I kept telling myself it was what was needed because this was where we were both at for the very best for Mom.
Even if I would have taken her back to it. She would not have known it was hers. There are sad times through it all, but try not to go there. Like someone told me,,,,,remember it was when she was thinking normally that she put you in charge of everything (legally) and she did that because she knew you would do what was best.
Sometimes you need to use little white lies to make the transition easier for them. Such as, work needs to be done on the house to make it safe, etc. Plumbing not working. Workers on strike. No heat in the house. Road is closed. Etc. But ALWAYS change subject and walk out of the room.
We as caregivers need to do everything we can to keep them safe, along with so much else. I know,,,, now 12 years since my mother's passing my husband is in mid stage Alzheimers. I adapt, live in the moment and try not to be sad about what he/we lost but what we had enjoyed together. Bless you dear daughter. A daughter so many mother's would be blessed to have.
You didn't do her a disservice by not taking her to the house anymore. If you'd kept bringing her, it would be hurting rather than helping! She would get more and more upset about leaving each time, and that's just painful for her.
If they'd left her there, she'd have fallen, broken a hip, been all night on the floor waiting for help to arrive... we know how it goes.
But then again. So? You can't help wondering which evil is the lesser, sometimes.
The big difference is that your mother has you there with her; and I should think that matters more to her than anything else. It's still terribly sad that the life she lived in that community has come to an end; and these decisions *are* dilemmas and they do tear us in two; but guilt? What part of your mother's aging or illness did you do to her?
Do something nice for yourself every day, and be gentle with yourself. If you keep beating yourself up you will never get off the emotional roller coaster.
Many hugs for you!
My mind wanders a lot too! If I don’t stop it, when I notice I’m doing it, I start to question myself on everything! The further I get into my “wandering“ I am depressed, sad, and my body aches.
FOG bites me in the butt a lot but I’m slowly learning and getting better, especially reading here from others stories and experiences 😉
It’s an emotional roller coaster for sure !!!