He says disparaging things especially about my father who has advanced dementia. I find it unacceptable for spouse to say things about my father. It is causing trouble in an our marriage. He is not the man I thought he was. Why would someone say such things after I told him how it makes me feel?
You said hubs and daughter came up,with the idea for your folks to move in. Personally I would never want to move my wife's elderly parents into our home. It's usually a disaster for marriages.
I don't think you can let your mother (in denial) run this show. At some point this situation is going to become impossible. Do what you have to do for their care and your life. Your life should come first.
Do your parents have their own bathroom and living space?
You don't mention how long your parents have lived with you, how difficult your father's care is, exactly what your husband is saying, etc.
YOU grew up loving your parents. He did not. He doesn't have the bond with your parents that you do.
Maybe he misses the privacy he had when you and he were living alone. Maybe he resents the attention your dad gets and feels left out. Possibly he's frustrated dealing with someone who has advanced Alz. and the many difficulties associated with it and your husband is "acting out".
My husband is a different nationality than I am. In his culture, seniors are treated with utmost respect. My mom is 94 and is hard of hearing. She can't hear what is being said unless you raise your voice. Hubby WILL NOT speak in a loud voice to her. He gets mad at me for raising my voice when speaking to her. We "disagree" about it. I need her to hear me but he thinks I'm being disrespectful.
There are going to be differences because you both come from different families.
Please go to counseling to straighten this out so you can keep your marriage alive. I can't imagine that your husband is purposely trying to hurt you. Have you two sat alone and discussed it? Can you think of any way to change this situation?
Having in-laws live in one's house can cause a lot of conflict, anxiety, jealousy, fear -- all kinds of emotions. And it is often a challenge to the marriage.
But belittling a man who has an incurable disease seems a very strange and unkind way to deal with it.
Did your husband have any say in whether your parents moved in? Does he have cause to feel neglected? Do you still do couple things together? Have date nights?
If the marriage is important to you, the two of you need to communicate honestly about what is going on. An objective third party could help you do that.
But no good wishing one could turn back the clock.
I feel for you about your husband's remarks. Insensitive and - well just not very nice. It's not right to "mock the afflicted." I used to catch my then SO huffing and eye-rolling; I dare say he did sometimes complain about my mother but at least it wasn't in my hearing, and he always managed to be kind to her in person - he just made himself scarce as much as possible. I suppose they have to get these things off their chest somehow.
And it wouldn't help if you were to turn round and remind him that this was his brilliant idea in the first place "and don't you forget it!" of course - but my goodness it must be tempting sometimes.
So you can't turn back the clock, but you can perhaps retrace your steps somewhat. Where were your parents living previously? What were their available options at the time; and what led to their agreeing to move to your home?
I'm very sorry to hear about what his happening. I know its not easy caring for an elderly parent with advanced dementia. But if your husband is saying things that are hurting you and your father, I don't feel that is right.
I am not the best communicator. After my dad's stroke, I tried to do so much on my own. But I did not know how to express my own needs and wants. I know its frustrating for your husband. But its time to have a family meeting and to discuss options. What about accessing more resources from the community or through church? Counselling or joining a support group? More respite care? Does he want your father in an assisted living or a nursing home?
I hope you can find the answer that will work better for your family.
I believe I understand my husband's frustration in that we did not know the extent of my father's dementia when he came down and now we see how bad it is and how it has forced us to change our living situation. We never considered putting them in a nursing home. Mom is very sharp and takes excellent care of my father. If anything would happen to her I do not know if I could do what she does. She is a true saint. Yes, I would say that my husband regrets this decision and he mentioned that he knows that it was his decision, not mine.
You certainly won't be able to change hubby's thoughts about Dad but maybe you can persuade him to keep his comments to himself because it is hurtful to both you and your mother.
Hubby almost certainly did not have any idea of the difficulties of caring for someone with late stage dementia in an elderly loved one.
I can understand hubby's disgusted reaction to Dad's failings but everything you described are typical of late stage dementia. None of it is pleasant and trying to control things is virtually impossible. You just have to learn to deal with it. Could you stop Dad using the downstairs bathroom. However much you clean and sanitize the smell probably persists and it turns hubby's stomach if he goes in there before you have a chance to clean. Put a lock on the door and tell Dad it is out of order and he has to go upstairs. No easy solution I am afraid.
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