Friends---
I have been on the wonderful site for several years and have received (and I hope also given!) a lot of support.
My own battle begins tomorrow in earnest as I begin a 6 round chemotherapy for my lymphoma.
It's been just over a month since I found 'the lump' that sent me reeling into the Cancer Center here--I've had tests that only the clueless would agree to--and tomorrow, the die will be cast.
R-CHOP, as it is called. 1 day of infusion (the 1st is bad, so I hear) as they introduce, one by one the poisons and then dial back until I can stand it, then another one--well, I don't care too much about the mechanics--I just want the time to fly.
If all goes well and I tolerate the infusions, they make the time between then slightly shorter, so I could be done as early as Sept 1st--or who knows when, if I don't tolerate it well.
Too much time spent on the internet---people say it's the worse thing they've ever done, a lot say they scheduled infusions for Friday so they could be back at work on Monday.
And I WILL lose my hair. Oh well. I hope it grows in pure white and curly.
Dh is going to attempt to be my caregiver---but has already said he cannot stay with me tomorrow (8 hrs)...as I get the first infusion. Maybe that's for the best. He's really struggled with this--he is not a natural CG and tends to just go to bed and leave me to my own devices.
Just need words of support now this thing is real. I will be honest on this board as I might not be around others: I am absolutely terrified beyond reason.
I hope and pray I can be brave and that the IV's go in easily--and that any and all barfing makes it into the appropriate place (not DH's leather interior of his car!) I hope I can have enough 'good days' to out weigh the bad ones.
Funny, I don't worry about a cure, because we caught this so early---but that would be nice, too.
This has humbled me a lot--we always wonder why things happen to us and I am still trying to figure that out. Probably no rhyme or reason--stuff happens because we live and this is part of life.
I thank you in advance, I am already so loaded with different drugs my cognitive reasoning is not the best.
Just prayers, please and good thoughts.
Another 9+ hr day at the hospital--I just caught the short straw an luckily the last 3 infusions are at 10:30 am--a HUGE difference from 1- 1;30 and we had some problems yesterday.
But all in all, an OK day and I slept well last night for which I was grateful.
DH was irritable and aPITA all day. He's out of town for the next one,,,thank goodness.
I'm half way there.
I do not know how you are dealing with this husband of yours. He should be supportive . I would not lift a finger until you are feeling better. Let him get this own meals and so on. He should be helping you out. Boy, how selfish of him. Men, they are such little babies when they are sick, though. My thoughts and prayers and are with you, Midkid. Take care of yourself!!
This is such a challenge, and I wish you well. But you are a strong person; I can tell that not only by your responses but having read your posts for the last several years. Know that I'm keeping you in my thoughts and hoping for the best.
As to a good cancer support group, sometimes other hospitals have them if your hospital only has one at night. In my area, the Catholic hospitals at one point had more support groups than other hospitals, especially in the Ann Arbor area in which the U of M hospital is located. I think a teaching hospital creates more reach out opportunities for patients.
Is there a Gilda's Club near you? When my sister passed from cancer, I sought out their support and was so impressed with their offerings. I haven't explored that option since, so I don't know what's available.
I appreciate your updates; you're so "on top of things" and so flexible, and clever in your responses.
Hang in there, my friend, and keep planning for the day when the chemo sessions come to an end.
Just wanted to let you know that I’m still praying for you.
It really hits home when the physical signs become apparent. It’s OK (healthy) to mourn the loss of your hair. You wouldn’t willingly cut your hair or shave it off, so it’s something being taken from you without your control.
Actually, “control” has a lot of influence in our emotions. We’ve controlled our lives all these years and, all of a sudden, after a crappy diagnosis, we don’t seem to have any control! (Meds, doctor visits, therapy regimens)...another loss.
I know you’re trying to put up a stoic front for your daughters but you may, inadvertently, be cutting them off about talking about your illness. If they see you emotionally open up, maybe they would too. Lots of feelings can be shared by letting people close to you travel your journey with you.
I have a husband similar to yours. Can’t stand it when I cry-has to leave the room and gets ‘mad’! He’s practically useless when I’m sick. That’s because he can’t handle HIS feelings. Doesn’t make it any easier on me but at least I understand it. Sounds like you do too. Just don’t wear yourself out trying to prove how strong you are, then crash when he COULD do something for you to save your energy.
Too bad if he isn’t “comfortable” with it. See a therapist if you need to. Above all try to keep positive.
We’re here for you. 💜
Thank you. I am finding more and more that our 'type' of DH's are more the norm than not. And if the '57 in your title is your birth year, we are only a year apart--so we're married to the same dinosaurs.
I'm really struggling with tears and emotions after this last round of chemo. DH went to "work" on Friday--joke's on me, he went GOLFING and hurt his back so now he's laid up in bed and can't lift a foot. I could kill him, I really could.
I NEEDED the ward work done Friday (it's at the trashy stage now) and he PROMISED he'd get it done. I am not allowed to be out in the grasses and dirt for fear of picking up a fungus, so I can't do ANYTHING. He doesn't
care and so my anger at him, over the ONE THING I am not doing is blown WAAAAY out of proportion. He won't let me hire anyone and he won't/can't do the work himself. My yard is my pride and he knows it--but he is feeling bad today and won't be out of bed today or tomorrow--already spent all day Sat & Sun in bed.
Kicker is: I have a car filled with dry cleaning I need to take in (all his) a laundry hamper of dirty clothes (all his) and bills to pay and a house to clean and he will lay in that bed for 2-3 more days. Fully expecting me to do all the things--when my last chemo was 4 days ago and I am sick as a dog.
A emergency call into the therapist, but she is booked solid. A call into the SW at the cancer clinic too. I a beyond furious at him.
I've been crying on and off all morning. I am at the point I am going to call my SIL and tell him to get his butt over here and mow the lawn. He KNOWS better than to encourage DH to golf more than 9 holes--he's in such terrible shape he can't even touch his toes.
Grrrrr………..and this isn't even predisone rage. It's just rage.
I am always amazed at medical advancements. My MIL had the port put in to receive her chemo. She enjoyed the freedom it gave her. Are you able to do that?
I was given the option of a port, but the care of one that's not being 'used' for 3 weeks was pointless. I can go anywhere and do anything (except yard work) I feel like doing. If I had a port, I would have pulled it out.
I will pick up his stupid shirts if I FEEL LIKE IT. As of today, dinner is at 6 and if he's not home, he can reheat it or simply come home. I don't mind the laundry, but I really resent the hamper being taken downstairs and then...there it sits. He doesn't KNOW how to do laundry.
I will NOT get my kids involved in this. Pointless, and I am going to get better and then what? They know that we went through a crappy patch? It's none of their business. They would never say a thing to him. My son (lives in another state) actually chewed me out for not 'manning up' b/c gosh mom, this is hard on dad too. He's still working! When I pointed out that when his dad had his Liver Transplant and post-healing, I took care of HIM, his 2 sisters and worked 2 PT jobs and was still expected to do everything.
I'm on low simmer today. I think there is a blow up in the near future.
Same with food delivery.
Are either of you old enough to get any help from the local Senior Center? My father's SC had a social worker on staff; she had helpful suggestions for a variety of services, including chore services like yard work.
This might be a better option than hiring someone, b/c I've found that lawn contractors fill up their schedules early and don't want to add customers and juggle the schedule. I called several before I found a really good one. Sometimes neighbors who have good relations with contractors can convince theirs to add another client just temporarily.
Or neighbors - any you can pay to mow the lawn?
I also think you shouldn't be doing the laundry during chemo. There are enough energy challenges just getting through the infusion sessions.
I am appalled at his insensitivity, but apparently that's how he is, and probably isn't going to change, if he even felt the need to. So let him pay for the work that you can't and shouldn't be doing.
If there are funds, for goodness sake just hire some people. It's time to make an executive decision! :)
When the hubs lies about where he's been, and hurts himself by being negligent and does not stand up in a crisis, that cancels his right to say what you can or cannot hire to get the job done. imo.
You need support, so even if you have to hire help, please do that. Let hubs be mad. This is only temporary until the two of you are feeling better.
I would eat cereal for dinner every night to save money before I would give up my trusty fellow who I hired to mow my yard going on 20 years now. Same with the fellow who comes in Spring and in Fall to spruce up the yard. Part of my yard is now a natural habitat as I had to stop spending every weekend trying to keep it under control. Having others do the work is a godsend. Yes, I miss getting my hands into the dirt and planting flowers, but I had to accept my limits.
Have hubby learn to use the washer and dryer. When my sig other finally learned where the washer and dryer were located, he started to do his own wash. That was a relief. Hey, I wasn't born knowing how to use those machines.
A few years ago I bought a Shark vacuum cleaner which has one of those wind tunnels where you can see how much stuff the vacuum is picking up. Sig other is now the vacuum master, as he likes seeing that canister fill up... we have a winner !!
Please don't try to do everything. I was that way, my OCD would kick in to high drive and that slowed my recovery. It wasn't easy to cast a blind eye to housework, but I learned to ignore it.
45 minutes later my yard looks fabulous and my neighbor's drooling over a Texas Sheet cake.
Sometimes angels are 250 lb ex-football players in a suit and tie.
i was married to a jerk like that, a preachers son, for 21 yrs before i could get away from him. There is brighter, better days ahead for you! Much love and healing blessings are being sent your way!!!!
You can never go wrong with chocolate! I am amazed that some people don’t like chocolate. My neighbor’s little girl didn’t care for chocolate. She was the only one in her family that didn’t like chocolate. Most people always asked her, “How can you not like chocolate?”
Need help cleaning? I just learned about an organization that will clean for free for those in chemo. This once a month for four month.
Check it out.
Cleaningforareason.org
Let us know what you find.
Sorry about the dry cleaning issue. Sometimes men can be clueless! Hugs!
DH is supposed to go out of town for a week, but he woke me up this am ----seriously, I am trying to sleep as much as I can and does he check on me last night? No...waits until 8 am to blast the lights on and tell me he thinks maybe he can move this business trip by one day. One effing day.
He actually had the balls to ask me if I felt sick?
Sir, I have felt 'sick' since 2 months before I was dxed with cancer and you blew it away--as you do now. I said "I need you to leave. Please don't think that I sit home wasting away b/c you aren't here. GO. GO NOW."
Then he LEAVES THE LIGHTS ON and says 'aren't you gonna get up?' I asked him to turn off the lights and leave me alone.
I have so much anger in my heart...…………..he has not come through with anything. Why am I surprised? I shouldn't be!
I don't like others cleaning my house. It's not that, even, it's the whole "But I work, so I can't DO anything else". Then he lays in bed for 4-5 hrs per night, eating chips, salsa, candy, whatever and gets up at 11 and fries up a pan of bacon, which if he'd clean the damn pan, I wouldn't care--but by 4 am the smell of rancid grease is making me gag, so I get up and MIRACULOUSLY clean the kitchen. Every. Damn. Night.
I did work out the yard care. 2 kids in the neighborhood are coming once a week and I will supervise. And I am rage cleaning the house, so every week 3 huge bags of trash go out.
It's NOT the actual mess--as it's just the 2 of us, it's the attitude that he simply CANNOT wash a dish or empty the DW or pick up his own (MANY) meds or, well. do ANYTHING but what he wants to.
Things are going to change. I have been patient and beyond for 10 weeks and he has shown he will not help. He changes and helps or he can leave. Up to him.
My FIL was awful during my MIL’s cancer treatments. He did nothing before her cancer though. He came from the generation where men were spoiled by their mothers. Naturally, he wanted his wife to spoil him in the same manner.
My MIL had three sons. She purposely raised them to be the opposite of him! I adored my MIL and thanked her many times for raising a thoughtful son.
My MIL did not have a good relationship with her MIL because her MIL thought she was an awful wife for not waiting on her husband hand and foot. Crazy, huh?
Stand your ground, Mid. You have never struck me as a pushover. I seriously doubt if you would become one now. I admire your strength. When I feel weak in certain situations I look to people like you to inspire me.
Take care. MidKid. Hugs. 💗
I have heard men say that "they didn't know that their wife or girlfriend was so unhappy, or they didn't know their relationship was in trouble." But that is because they just ignored all the 'warning signs'. In my experience the men find themselves alone scratching their heads wondering 'what the h3ll happen!'
Hang in there!😐
www.youtube.com/watch?v=-_kXIGvB1uU
I took a beat, then wrote him and email I KNEW he'd read, I sent it to work, an absolute NO-NO.
Told him not to change his travel plans by one day b/c he thinks I need him. (I NEED him to leave) and wrote that we either needed to split up or figure this out. I was not mean, but by no means was I kind. (Figured out why he thought he had to change travel, I had forgotten it's our anniversary, which we don't celebrate anyways)
He has two options tonight: Sit and listen to me and validate my feelings or I walk (I am already packed) (oh, b/c he DID change his stupid travel plans) or he decides he's doing plenty and he walks. Only if he decides he can step up and do what he needs to do and SHOWS ME will I even consider staying here.
Then I took a rage nap and I feel better. He's going to be defensive and pull the "but I work, I work hard and I am tired' routine on me-and as I have said dozens of times, I am NOT ASKING HIM TO WORK MORE....just help me out.
I set the timer and swept through the house doing the bare minimum of what he could/should do to help, inclusive of a few extra things, like meal prep and watering the lawn. Total time spent? >90 minutes.
I am betting that he curls up in a ball and acts very defensively, I don't think he's capable of stepping up---so the bag will be handy. The place I'd go has a pool and that sounds wonderful right now.
Wow! You have been and are continuing to go through a lot. I hope your husband comes around and steps up to be the person that you need him to be.
I too have cancer and had to deal with 30 treatments of radiation. The treatments were not bad it was just the recovery afterwards. That was eight months ago and I’m still trying to regain my energy level that I had once before. So I know how you feel when you say you’re so tired. I had a friend going through chemo at the same time that I was having my radiation treatments. I heard all about her side effects and saw them in her eyes every day. I hope you’re doing better. It will get better. Just hang in there! Concentrate on yourself and do what you need to do to heal. You got this! 🙏🤗 and especially 💐💐
I'm giving myself until Jan 1 and hoping for the best. I have had to quit trying to exercise or take walks--I just have no energy! I do some upper body weights, but I am not losing one ounce, which I find incredible b/c I eat so little.
Thanks for your comments!
His response to my email was 'ok'. And then nothing. I made dinner and ate at 6. He meanders in at 6:30 or so and says "did you already eat?" I said I had and his plated dinner was sitting there, he could eat or wait.
He ate and tried a couple of times to start a conversation...but these sores in my mouth make talking painful, plus I was still plenty steamed at him. He finished dinner and put his dish in the sink and I said "Please stop. Put your dishes in the DW and please put the leftovers in a container and refrigerate them." "where do you keep the containers?.." I replied "same place I've kept them for 40 years". He did pack up the remaining dinner and before he left the kitchen, I said "Please clean out the pan. I will finish cleaning in a minute."
All this took him under 2 minutes. Did he SEE what I was getting at? Nope. He went to bed. I thanked him for cleaning and then didn't speak to him for the rest of the evening.
A friend called and we talked for a while, She is wonderful, but has one of those one-in-a-billion husbands who pampers and fusses his wife and she cannot understand having a hubby who actually DOESN'T come home from work to catch a mouse in the garage. Her advice, while sweet and thoughtful, is completely useless.
Dh went to watch g-kids play soccer and baseball. I can't be up and ready and at a game by 8 am, so no matter how he tried to make me feel bad for not going..I said "I am not going. I don't think I will be feeling ok. Next week games are at 10 & 11. That's doable." BUT 'Next week I will be out of town!!' I said I was a big girl and would take myself if I decided to go.
I am starting to shake off the initial effects of the chemo---it just takes a couple weeks to rally, then a week to "heal" then we do it again. He only has to handle this for a few more weeks, really. I don't know WHY this has been so hard on him.
I will see the SW next week. I will continue to do what I do. The pile of dry cleaning is going into HIS car. I got a person to do the yard. I'm not backing down from this, b/c I need him to step up from now on.
I do want you all to know that he does work, and works hard and long hours at times. But he also takes a LOT of personal time. LOTS of naps, lots of weekends spent in bed from Friday night to Monday afternoon. LOTS. I cannot and do not trust him to do fixer-upper things around the house. The 'honey do' list is 33 years old and some things are STILL on it. He is faithful and MANY women would be thrilled with a husband like mine. But, it's like putting 1/2 the sugar and flour in cookie dough and then wondering why the cookies didn't come out. A simple correction would fix that problem. I am not asking for the moon. I am asking for the simplest compassion you'd give a stranger. (wow, mix the metaphors!!)
Every single time he has been ill (and they are far too numerous to count) I have stepped up and double timed it. That's how I was raised. He was raised to be a prince and he still wants to be one.
There will be a 'talk' this weekend, or at least before he goes out of town (YES!! YES!! Thank you God!!) he has a weeklong trip and won't be home until the day before my 4th infusion, to which I am asking him to NOT go. If he can't step up and do at least half of the jobs that I need, then I am leaving and moving in my sister's basement apartment which is vacant. The perfect solution.
I honestly think he is going to be very angry and nasty, and I am ready for that. he doesn't have a leg to stand on. ESp after the golf incident and the 5 days in bed, moaning as loud as he could so I would go see what was amiss.
I will forgive and forget, b/c why wouldn't I? But he HAS TO MAKE SOME CHANGES. Retirement looms and I CANNOT live with this FT.
Remember that!
Read psalms 911 as I call it
Psalms 91:1
It's by a man whose wife was about to file for divorce. She's a speech language pathologist and it occured to her finally that perhaps he wasn't thoughtless and uncompassionate. Perhaps he was on the Autism Spectrum. She found an online questionnaire and they agreed to both fill out a copy. On his end, to quote him, there was "a whole lot of Autism going on".
I've met this guy at a conference, heard him give a keynote. There no way that you would identify him, just to meet him casually, as being ASD. But he is. Highly educated, a super great IT guy, loves his wife. But NO clue about what annoyed her. As an example, his first notation in his notebook (the "journal" he started keeping to remind himself what was making her crazy) was "don't change the radio station if she's singing along to a song". (!!!!!!!).
Maybe DH is a clod. He certainly doesn't deserve you. And in your shoes, the next time he gets sick, I'd let him figure out how to get the help he needed.
But do consider the AU angle and find out if he's interested in pursuing a behavior change in the interest of staying married.
At the end of my 24 year marriage to an awful person who mistreated me daily, the psychiatrist we visited in a last ditch effort to save things turned to me and asked if I was willing to change my behavior to suit what HE wanted. It was an eye opening question.
Mid, are YOU willing to change YOUR behavior and expectations of DH so that there is peace in your home? Think about that.
I agree that: wouldn't want Midkid58 to disrupt her family now, (cuz it wud also disrupt her ability to recover). That's most important for now.
P.S. there IS autism in my family, & I'm the most accommodating person...by necessity (to keep family).
I did 'crap out' after 24 yrs of marriage tho, so I understand why Midkid58 has had enough. Still, now is not the time to add more stress. 💟
(I understand ur being 'fed up' with it, & wanting him to be there for you now).
Just think he's doing what he can, & may be terrified of losing you, but can't express it. Your mental state now is vital! Don't deal with this now friend.
Love 2u💟.
I am just your age married to my husband who is 69 for almost 40 years. Are there aspects to his character I wish were different,certainly. There are and have been times I have felt fed up but in the end we are real companions to each other. We both have very recently had a host of health issues. We have been there for each other. We have 3 grown children and presently 3 grandchildren. You are way ahead of me there and I admire you for the person,mother,grandmother and wife you are. Your posts about yourself and to others are inspiring and often filled with just the right amount of humor.
I realize you are going through a very difficult time. I can't imagine it for myself and your spunk with it is more than admirable. Yes your DH should behave differently and better. Perhaps with help he might learn to. You have so much family you share. I am speaking of the family you enjoy. Would it not be preferable to be there for them as a team? Do you want to continue these sunset years on your own?
Only you can feel what is best for you. I don't condone the behavior of your DH. I realize it is very hard to change people. I would just hope that perhaps with help he might make some changes to salvage the relationship. I wish you the best in the path ahead.