My MIL's Alzheimer's dementia is advancing. She is at the point where she is not consistently recognizing her children. She is having more agitation when she sundowns, and it seems to be worse when a family member has visited. We keep the visits very short and to only or one two people, but they seem to confuse her and create anxiety. It's at the point where she has to be given Ativan to calm her or she will be in a high state of anxiety with un-redirectable reactions for hours, which is stressful for her and her caregivers.
Has anyone ever come to a point where they had to discontinue visits to help reduce their LO's anxiety and stress reactions?
While I have been distancing myself from my mother off and on for many years (sometimes going almost a year between even SPEAKING to her)..I have discovered that she doesn't really care about me at all.
It's a bitter pill to swallow, and now she is showing signs of dementia (she covers pretty well, but is quickly losing the ability to cover her remarks)..I know there is no hope for a better relationship.
Her comments to me range from benign to unbelievably unkind and horrific. When I chose to visit her, I KNOW I have to cut and run the first nasty/racist/cruel words out of her mouth.
People who see her put on her 'darling old lady act' do not believe she can do and say the things she does. My sibs don't bother to call or visit, maybe once a quarter. I am the child who keeps 'coming back' even if it's been months.
Every time I leave her, I make sure that we are on 'good terms' if possible. I know each time I see her it could be the last time. I don't want that posthumous guilt to deal with--although I have done nothing to deserve any kind of guilt.
Everyone is different, as to how much 'abuse' they can take. Me? I just turned 64 and DH is now counting down the year to my 65th birthday so he can retire and never have to get out of bed all day. So--I have other things to think about.
You'll find there are a LOT of us who have simply cut a parent out of our lives and many who are very cautious with boundaries.
Whatever works for you. There is no right nor wrong answer.
The thing about dementia/Alz is that YOU have to accommodate IT. The disease is unrelenting. It's not about you, it's about her and what's required to keep her happy and calm. Why would anyone want to force visits on an elder when it causes them so much despair.........that makes NO sense to me. I'd pass over that advice if I were you.
Good luck!
With my grandmother and my grannie it was much easier when we just visited in the here and now. Never correcting or trying to jog memories. I would participate in activities that they could enjoy, sing alongs, throwing the stuffed
animals back and forth, looking at the plants, enjoying a soda or ice cream together, anything that brought them happiness right now. They didn't know who I was but they knew that I loved them and I was fun. It takes some getting used to, them not knowing who you are, but it's okay that they don't, it is nothing personal.
Realizing that they can not engage in our reality and focusing on bringing a smile to their faces can go a long way in making the visit pleasurable for all. I have found that they can pick up on our feelings, so much like babies can read our inner self and it is really important for us to be calm and happy in their presence or they experience our turmoil and feel our anxiety.
I would try to find a way for pleasant visits before I discontinued giving them my love in person.
One great thing is that you can do the same thing over and over once you find what can bring a smile. Just be silly and loving and full of laughter, it can only help all of you through this difficult journey.
Is this anxiety fairly recent? If so, MIL maybe in her final stage. With my Mom anxiety was the sign of her starting the dying process. She could not sit still. Going constantly in her wheelchair. Would not sit long enough to talk to her. Then the humming started. Each day she got louder and louder. She had to be medicated. She was gone two weeks later. Her body started to shut down.
If the anxiety continues, I would not put her thru that. Maybe you can check on her from afar. I noticed before Mom passed, she just wanted to be left alone. Nurses could not get her out of bed, Hospice was called in. She shut her eyes and never opened them again. She responded to voices and touch but she never opened her eyes.
My mother couldn’t follow conversations involving more than one person very well, so we always took turns speaking, and there were almost never more than two people visiting at a time.
As she became less verbal she continued to have pretty tragic anxiety attacks, and did receive Ativan, not too often, but it caused her to sleep for 24-30 hours after each dose.
I wouldn’t personally have been comfortable not visiting, and not seeing my present LO, a Covid survivor, for the last 4 months has given ME intense anxiety, but there’s no way getting around that.
Your situation is tough, with no perfect answers. Do your best, with love. That’s really all any of us can expect of ourselves as caregivers.
My family always travelled a lot, going to mountains or the beach every weekend. I kept up that custom for my dad until I realized it was counterproductive for him. Now, for his sake, we stay home. The right thing doesn't always feel right.
So, yes, I think you might be wise not to visit for awhile. It won't be forever. Just until she changes enough not to get so agitated. Let's hope that's how it works. Seems like there's hope, if she only responds that way to family, and she's starting to forget who you are. Once she's totally forgotten, maybe she won't get agitated anymore.