My parents are 87 years old. I am witnessing financial decisions they made earlier in their life that has put them in a time that could leave them without resources to pay for their funeral or to have a nice assisted living center. They may end up in a care center provided by the gov't after all assets are sold.
This is so hard to sever my emotions to their past, poor financial judgments. It makes me very anxious because I want to solve their problems.
I just wonder how others manage to keep themselves 'distanced' enough from the ones who they care for so that I can live my own life without their worries and stresses.
What assets to they own? Can you talk to them about selling enough to purchase a small insurance policy to cover their funerals, or to pre-pay for their funerals. It gives my mother a lot of peace of mind to know this is taken care of.
If you can do something about their financial state, such as encouraging them to get insurance, do your best. For things you can do nothing about, such as decisions made in the past, let them go. Fretting and worrying and stressing out will not change a thing.
Focus on the present and future. Given the current situation (never mind whose fault it was that it got this way) is there anything you can do to make their future better? Do it. Don't worry about things you can't change.
I really understand what you mean. The emotions you feel about them after leaving a mess for you to clean up.
My FIL put up a good front and people thought he had money. Actually, he left a giant pile of debt, mortgages etc.
I am dealing .......with the anger I now have.......... over the mess he left in my lap. Extended family imply that I am hiding something because he always acted so "financially together." BTW he had zero life insurance and now I must pay to bury him out of my own pocket. So I had him cremated w no viewing. Extended family & friend thinks I am cheap and/or keeping money or? All the explaining...........I am so tired of it all. So I understand you emotions.
So what to do….you kinda have to be bitterly realistic as to the future costs for them. Can you go over their expenses & income to see exactly where they stand? If they have a home, review the whole tax, insurance, utility and maintenance situation. If they just cannot afford to pay for all on the home, then the home needs to be sold and they move into IL or senior housing or subsidized senior housing. At 87, they have beaten the aging tables so could live another 5 years for your dad or another 8 - 10 for your mom. So there is time to make changes for the better.
Now would be a good time to do this, as with Thanksgiving and the Holidays coming up, you will hopefully have the opportunity to talk rationally with other family on the train wreck you see on the horizon. Good luck.
You owe them time, emotional support and what you want to provide without risking your own financial security. They will likely be eligible for Medicaid, if needed.
Do not stress about funeral expenses, when the time comes look into cremation and disposition of remains through your county medical examiner office.
Sounds like you learned from them and will likely do a better job of planning for your later years.
Best of luck!
L
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