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I. How We Work in Washington. Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services. APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid. We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
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V. Complaints. Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights. APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.I agree that: A.I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information"). B.APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink. C.APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site. D.If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records. E.This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year. F.You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
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My cousin's mom is outright mean and has brought her to tears. Cousin was estranged from mother for many years. Now she's responsible for helping mother stay in local facility and the visits are fraught with anger and downright meaness.
CarolLynn is right. Your cousin should make observational visits where her mom doesn't know she is there. That way she can be reassured that her mom is OK, but not have to be verbally abused by her. Interaction visits can be cut down significantly, leaving your cousin with a more peaceful situation. Incidentally, it may be that your cousin should not visit directly with her mom for several weeks. A friend of mine did this for 6 weeks - just did observational visits once or twice a week, no interaction, and it totally turned things around. Her mother was much less agitated and my friend was able to heal emotionally and get her own life back on track. Once she did that, it was much easier to visit her mother once a week or so and when the abusive behavior started, she would just leave immediately without saying anything knowing her mom was well cared for. Interestingly enough, after several times of her just leaving when the abuse began, her next visits lacked that component. So, even if someone does have dementia, it is still possible for them to learn from experience in some cases.
In addition, your cousin should have a non-specific answer to "Take me home!" or "When can you take me home?" or "Why did you put me here?" which is, "The doctor says you have to stay here until you are better." That completely takes your cousin out of the picture as the focus of her mother's anger and puts it on the doctor. Of course, it will be forgotten moments later, but then this excuse can be used over and over again until your cousin's mother stops asking.
A final thought on the situation, if I were your cousin, I would speak to the nurse and ask her how often my mother was agitated. If she is sundowning and nasty to other people, not just your cousin, then medication, such as Risperdone, could really help to calm her down. I had to do this with my own mother who was extremely agitated starting in October of this year. The reason for the agitation is the progressive brain damage and mom was suffering. Unfortunately, she was so angry, she was also making everyone around her suffer as well. So I asked her doctor to put her on medication for this. He started at the lowest dosage of Risperdone and we saw some minor improvement. It takes several weeks for psychotropic drugs to build up in the patients system. So for the first 4 weeks, we only had minor improvement. At that point, we went back to the doctor and told him we were not seeing enough improvement and he increased the dosage and the very first day we put mom on the increased dosage, we saw a drastic and wonderful improvement in her behavior. This improvement seems to have lasted, at least until now. Of course, over time, the dosage may need to be adjusted again. But if your cousin can make sure that her mother's agitation is being medically dealt with, it may make things better for both her and her mother.
Sorry, I just noticed she has dementia. Could be the root of her problem and not much she can do about it except learn skills as to how to deal with her mother's changing personality. However, you did say they were estranged for some time. So I suspect there is a long standing problem.
Your poor cousin. I know what this is like and I can tell you people don't change with age instead they get more like themselves. Your cousin is probably used to being hurt and humiliated. That is what she has been taught.
If I were her I would do as StandingAlone suggests. Then take a good look at herself and see what she can do to repair the damage her mother has done. No adult should be made to cry by a mean, selfish old parent, ever. If the problem is mental illness, learn to deal with that. If it is dementia or another age related problem, learn to deal with that as well. But if it is just meaness, well, she needs to keep her distance and learn to heal from that. Good luck to her.
Does her mother still recognize her? When I was caring for my in a nursing home and later in hospice, I wanted to be more "present" and observational of her interaction. but when she knew I was there, she would become an agitated then hostile that I wasn't "getting her out of there!" which of course with out of the question.
I'm just wondering how far along your aunt is in her dementia. I came to realize that my aunt did not recognize me unless I announced myself to her, something I just always did in the beginning out of normalcy. But when I walked in and acted like I belonged to somebody else, she quickly ignored me and I was able to watch her either eating or communicating with others, etc, and better evaluate her status. Usually around 5 or 10 minutes before I was ready to leave, I would announce to her, go up and say hi, then visit as long as I could before the agitation begin to set in, at which point I would come I say that it was time for me to go.
Before realizing that I could "get away with this", when I left quickly just because she was agitated, I felt as if I have been chased out without doing my job of properly care taking her. This way worked out really well because I never felt that I was leaving without having gang the knowledge that I came for which was how she was doing.
By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington.
Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services.
APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid.
We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour.
APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment.
You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints.
Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights.
APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.
I agree that:
A.
I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information").
B.
APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink.
C.
APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site.
D.
If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records.
E.
This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year.
F.
You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
In addition, your cousin should have a non-specific answer to "Take me home!" or "When can you take me home?" or "Why did you put me here?" which is, "The doctor says you have to stay here until you are better." That completely takes your cousin out of the picture as the focus of her mother's anger and puts it on the doctor. Of course, it will be forgotten moments later, but then this excuse can be used over and over again until your cousin's mother stops asking.
A final thought on the situation, if I were your cousin, I would speak to the nurse and ask her how often my mother was agitated. If she is sundowning and nasty to other people, not just your cousin, then medication, such as Risperdone, could really help to calm her down. I had to do this with my own mother who was extremely agitated starting in October of this year. The reason for the agitation is the progressive brain damage and mom was suffering. Unfortunately, she was so angry, she was also making everyone around her suffer as well. So I asked her doctor to put her on medication for this. He started at the lowest dosage of Risperdone and we saw some minor improvement. It takes several weeks for psychotropic drugs to build up in the patients system. So for the first 4 weeks, we only had minor improvement. At that point, we went back to the doctor and told him we were not seeing enough improvement and he increased the dosage and the very first day we put mom on the increased dosage, we saw a drastic and wonderful improvement in her behavior. This improvement seems to have lasted, at least until now. Of course, over time, the dosage may need to be adjusted again. But if your cousin can make sure that her mother's agitation is being medically dealt with, it may make things better for both her and her mother.
If I were her I would do as StandingAlone suggests. Then take a good look at herself and see what she can do to repair the damage her mother has done. No adult should be made to cry by a mean, selfish old parent, ever. If the problem is mental illness, learn to deal with that. If it is dementia or another age related problem, learn to deal with that as well. But if it is just meaness, well, she needs to keep her distance and learn to heal from that. Good luck to her.
I'm just wondering how far along your aunt is in her dementia. I came to realize that my aunt did not recognize me unless I announced myself to her, something I just always did in the beginning out of normalcy. But when I walked in and acted like I belonged to somebody else, she quickly ignored me and I was able to watch her either eating or communicating with others, etc, and better evaluate her status. Usually around 5 or 10 minutes before I was ready to leave, I would announce to her, go up and say hi, then visit as long as I could before the agitation begin to set in, at which point I would come I say that it was time for me to go.
Before realizing that I could "get away with this", when I left quickly just because she was agitated, I felt as if I have been chased out without doing my job of properly care taking her. This way worked out really well because I never felt that I was leaving without having gang the knowledge that I came for which was how she was doing.