I'm in the process of placing Mom into an ALF. Already paid for the first month. She has lived with us for 2 yrs. Moms in good health, never fallen and is 96 years old. She can be argumentative, stubborn. We're afraid to tell her about the ALF because she'll refuse to go. My husband is tired of losing our privacy and her negativity. So we thought about telling her she'll need physical therapy and it's at a facility that she has to stay over night. Her new Doctor will go along with this ploy. I just wish we could be honest. She does have mild dementia and lacks words for objects. She just stays in her room and watches TV and stairs at the walls. Only comes out for meals. Seldom will she go out grocery shopping with me. She's just existing. Please, need some help and suggetions.
Are you kidding with that response? How cold hearted can you be? I too am struggling with "do I or don 't I" put mom in a NH now. It's getting far too difficult for me, I work fulltime, have a disabled husband and my mom with dementia, blind in one eye, deaf and downright mean at times. She was NOT like that in my growing up years. I cannot get a minute without her as she has to go wherever I go including on "dates" with my husband. She has to have me there if I am home. Why would you berate someone who is only trying to do their best with circumstances that are so difficult. I sincerely hope NO ONE ever judges you like that.
My mom went to the ALF two days after the doctor visit. Those last 48 hours of her in our home were excruciating. I made it through though and you can too.
We're off now to take her out for a New Year's Eve lunch. Remind her that you will not be abandoning her and that you will always be there to make sure she is taken care of well. I hope to hear that you are taking her out to a nice lunch in the future. It will get better. ((Hugs))
I understand your fear very much. I faced the same thing with my very stubborn mom. We had the 'mother' of all fights when I told her she was going to an ALF. Screaming at the top of our lungs, her saying she didn't love me anymore, it was not pretty. In fact when I stepped out for an hour to calm down, I came home to find she had vomited all over and wet her chair. Fun times! It was THE hardest thing I ever had to do in my life and that was after watching my dad die of a brain tumor a few months beforehand. The stress level was toxic and damaging to my relationship with my husband and teenage son.
You CAN do this and come out better on the other side. My mom continued to hate me for the first couple of months, but now six months in, she understands why I placed her. Her rage and fear is gone and we have a loving mother/daughter relationship again.
One last thought - my mom had to visit a doctor and have him examine her and sign papers before the ALF would accept her - i.e. there had to be a medical reason for her placement. Getting her to the doctor was a huge battle in itself, but he agreed, in her presence, that she would get better care from a team of professionals rather than just me 24/7. If I were you, I would have a chat with her doctor. Explain to him/her just what you have told us, especially about your husband's leukemia. Your situation can't go on the way it is now.
Your husband comes first and your mom will be just fine in an ALF once she adjusts.
You are sure smug in your narrow thoughts and judgment. My mom is in AL and I'm glad you are not the one caring for her. My mom is with it mentally and she has nothing but praise for the people caring for her.
I tried to have mom live with us, but it did not work out. Did your mom not have to use the bathroom every hour, get up several times a night, have constipation issues, mental battles everyday, etc. etc.?
She was a ragdoll you planted in front of the TV???
Sorry. I find your comments offensive. Jeanne said it much more eloquently than I did. Loving someone does not mean you have to kill yourself in the process. I'm done with being a martyr.
I am not a fan of "springing" a change on an elder. If you can get any kind of "buy in" from your Mom the transition will be much easier on her and she will settle in much better. Start out by choosing the best facility in your area. Visit and take notes. Ask questions about your Mom's special needs. When your Mom is receptive, tell her that she has more health issues that you can take care of at home and you need the extra help. Assure her that you will continue to be her devoted daughter and be there when she needs your help. If she becomes upset, let the discussion drop and bring it up at another time. Have brochures for her to look at and take her for a tour. It has to be done incrementally...do not wait until things become critical in your family. Also, including her in this decision as much as you can is respectful.
The biggest advantage to an ALF is the social aspect. Your Mom has no one to interact with besides you two, and the television. This is not quality of life. Keeping her home and isolated is actually detrimental to her mental health...especially if she is developing dementia. Most ALFs have a variety of activities and entertainment. Most have special memory care units. Your Mom may actually thrive in this environment.
It takes a village to care for an elder and everyone's situation and support systems are different.
Annie233: "but if she stays her room, and only comes out to eat, I don't see a problem" You are kidding, right? Letting an elder vegetate in front of a TV is not humane nor is it in their best interests...as Price said, "she is existing." Social deprevation is one of the pitfalls of keeping a senior, who cannot get out on his or her own, at home. It is wonderful that you were able to do what you did for your Mom, but let's give others a break who need extra help for their family members. Not everyone has supportive friends or family members...in fact, most of us do not. Many of our forum members live in remote areas and cannot "hire" people to sit with their parents.
To each, his or her own.