Mum is 86 and has dementia. Dad passed away 20 years ago, and she still sometimes waits for him to come home from work. My sister and I would remind her of his passing. Our brother died about six years and sometimes we would have to remind her of his tragic death. Now my sister died from a brain tumour. We had a lovely funeral send off for her, but excluded mum because I thought I could not bear to remind her of another family member's death. Yesterday, Mum had been trying to call my sister to wish her a happy birthday which was on the March 1st, but her number is disconnected. Mum wants me to give her the new number. Should I tell her the truth? and then the consequent sadness and tears for me, and then forever reminding her of the passing of her eldest child. The anguish of my sister's death is enormous as we were very close. I am so tired and sad of reminding my mum about my dad and brother. I feel terribly guilty about not telling mum, as she has a right to know. The last few day when my sister was in hospital dying, I cried so much the thought of not having her around and how to tell mum, my gorgeous sister said "don't tell her" and at the time I thought it would be best not to also. And now if I do, how do I explain the funeral, the burial, and how she died (she was cremated and ashes scattered to sea). Mum still lives at home in the country and I work in the city but I visit her every Saturday to do shopping, cleaning, have a meal together. I having been dreading the day when mum would realise she has not heard from sis (sis would call every day in the morning and I would do the evening calls) and that day has arrived. I am making myself sick thinking of what to tell her... pretend to be my sister on the phone (we sound the same); tell her she went to the funeral but has forgotten, or what? The last time mum saw sis was at Christmas and was shocked at her diminutive (she does not remember) and sis told her she had cancer and had 12-18 months to live but the disease took her early, well in my mind too early - it was almost 12 months since diagnosed. I miss her terribly. I don't know how I will cope without be best friend, adviser, critic, confidant and everything else a sister can be. I will be calling mum tonight to see how her day was and hope she does not ask about sissy.
@Joanie76 i have no advice for you either except to say trust your heart (just take your brain with you). What a heart wrenching situation for you....i am sending prayers your way as your grief is paramount right now. When you do tell your mom please have support at hand as you may both need it.
Your mom know in her heart something is wrong and you are killing yourself over the guilt of not telling her. God Bless
You have so much grief over your sister's death. I can really understand that it is not something you want to talk about with your mom. For one thing, she will be heartbroken to hear the news, for another, it will be such a blow for you every time you have to explain it again. You miss your sis so much and she was a real coherent part of your life support system.
Your mom, however, knows enough to realize that she can't find her oldest daughter and that must be a worry to her. I've read on this site that it is better to tell a dementia patient the truth than it is to tell them an untruth when they keep asking about a person. You mom has a right to grieve for her lost child. Maybe it would be a comfort if you told her it was a peaceful passing. Maybe it would be a comfort if you could cry together.
I'm no authority on this. You'll get other responses and I hope someone can give you a solution that you and your mom can live with. Let me just say that I am so sorry for you and your mom. I am especially sorry that you will not have the comfort of your sister in the years to come and I know you will miss her everyday.
A friend on AC told me to remember that every time the wind blows, it's the sound of the ah ha's of those in heaven who have gained peace and total understanding. It's your sister's voice supporting you and loving you and being by your side. Breath in the wind and know that your sister is always with you. Stay in touch with us. Love and Hugs, Cattails.