It has been four months since I moved my mother into assisted living, and she has made many comments about how she knows that her mind is not working right. She always makes these comments when she’s asking a question about something that she’s already asked the question for multiple times, or when she is trying to remember something.
I have decided that it is time to tell her that she has dementia. Previously I had posted about that and my worry was that it would scare her. But, enough time is gone by now and she has made enough comments about her memory that I think it’s time for us to sit down and talk about it.
I know to be very loving with her, and I know to let her know that we are doing this together, but I am looking for any other advice anyone has who has walked this path before me. Thanks bunches!
My Mom has Alzheimers, stepfather has Alzheimers AND dementia. The dementia is worse of the 2.
You Mother isn't going to remember you telling her any thing except aggravate her more. Dementia causes hallucinations. She could lash out physically toward you. My husband and I have seen what dementia does to my stepfather when sundowners starts...not pretty and we had to talk him down to keep him from hurting us or himself. This still happens with him in the AL.
Telling her won't accomplish anything other than more confusion for her. Go along for the ride EVEN when she repeats and repeats and repeats. Just answer in different ways but the same answer, 1 of them will make sense and then things will be fine until the next repeat.
I do this with my stepfather every time I visit them. I try to keep a bit of humor in my answers which makes him laugh when I've finally answered his question in a way he understands.
Our daughter is an RN and had to do a stint in AL for her studies. So, she went home with me a month ago, Mom loved her best out of all her grandchildren, really she did.
My stepfather must have 10 Bibles he reads everyday. Daughter asked him, 'do you read all these books'?
He told her yes to which daughter said, 'you know what? I bet they all have the same exact stories'. Daughter gets her humor from her Mother.
That comment made my stepfather laugh for a few minutes and just kept shaking his head.
You just need to treat her like she's still there as before. You'll find your way and also your Mom in the process.
FYI, there's a resident there who remembers me every time I go for a visit once a month.
Routine: hey Ms F, how ya doing?
Ms F, every one of them and the really good ones twice!
Every single time I walk through those doors. I still laugh at it which makes her laugh. I will sit with her and she tells me about how she needs to go home because her Mother has a boyfriend and she just knows he's spending the night. What will the neighbors think?!
I for one, love to talk with the residents who are still able to remember something whether the truth or just in their head. It brings happiness to them and a visitor too.
Perhaps you need a one line, simple explanation (some brain dysfunction; processing difficulties) that will be simple and easily digestible. I like CM's picture idea, too.
We tended to talk about brain function (mother had vascular dementia with ?Alzheimer's involvement). I preferred that because there's so much more to it than memory loss; and again it stressed that we're talking about one particular organ of the body misbehaving itself. She was already used to hearing all about "heart function"; so it made sense that the next set of challenges were to do with brain function.
There are some very good diagrams online, but choose carefully. Some will not be a comfort.
And, remember that it doesn't have to be a single conversation - in fact it won't be a single conversation, because there's too much for anyone to take in even if they are able to concentrate. So you can take your time, see how the information is going down with her, and above all let her decide on the questions.
If they won't accept it, they won't accept it. There is no convincing or reasoning with their broken brain. Just a heads up that she might reject that diagnosis and get her back up about it.
Maybe just age related memory issues or as we lovingly call it, oldtymers.
Best of luck
Patience is the key, and diversion. If the questions keep coming at you and you know it's going to come again, tell Mom you love her, and then talk about the weather. Change subject, or try to change subject. Start a conversation about the holiday that is coming up...
Try not to correct her or be abrupt. This could cause her to not want to talk. I am missing my words more often, and my family looks at me like I am crazy. My talking skills are almost embarrassing to me, because I lose my words. Soooo, my family is not compassionate towards me. I think they would rather me not speak, than try to listen to something they are not interested in.
You know what that means, part of your social life is disappearing. This scares me. But I can smile and try to laugh, but they still don't understand.....
Oh well...I can read and type still...
But for the grace of God, there goes I.
Tell them it is genetic and they better be nice because they will be in your shoes one day.
Now 20 years later my mothers worst fear has come true, and she too has been diagnosed with dementia. My mother is in denial of any changes in her cognitive abilities and chalks it up to normal aging. This disease robs our love ones the capacity to reason and understand changes they are going through. There is fear associated with what they are going through, and through that comes irrational behavior and anger.
At first I thought honesty was a good approach, my mom is an educated, well read individual. I was wrong. This was not the approach that worked well for us. After discussion with doctors and social workers I’m learning the art of the therapeutic lie.
Unfortunately there is no definitive answer how to handle this discussion with your mother, except allow her to express her concerns, and assure she has a support system with her. I wish best for mom and you.
I would ask you to ask yourself WHY do you need to tell her? What purpose will it serve? If she has memory issues will she remember that this is what she has? Will it make things more clear to her, or will she just feel sad about it?
It seems as if maybe this is something you feel guilty about, that you think you are keeping something from her. Maybe, maybe not. There's really no right or wrong answer.
What is the kind thing to do in this situation? Will it make it any better if she knows that it is dementia?
Can you come up with a gentle euphemism? Can you call it memory loss?
It seems that people who have early onset also seem to be very well aware that they have dementia, but somehow with an older person the memory loss slides right in to dementia.
i went through this with both parents. Dad was much worse than mom. I always just told him at his age it was ok to forget things. He’s had no short term memory for about 4 years now but still thinks he’s just fine.
dont argue about it. Just go with it. Gently remind her of the appointment etc. Maybe you just forgot. Time to go here now......
Any time Dad knew he was confused, I would tell him I have the same thing, it's just part of aging [I am a senior myself]. Told Dad that all the file cabinets in our brain are full, thus it takes longer to find the answers and sometimes things are misfiled. Dad accepted that :)
Best wishes to you.