I'm terrified of my own old age. How do I get past this feeling?

FF, you make a good point about tests. At some point, I think they become less helpful and perhaps more harmful mentally and physically. I remember having some really good thorough checkups and tests after my sister died of cancer. I was particularly concerned b/c of the high rate of cancer on my paternal side of the family.

One test was inconclusive; biopsy done, still inconclusive. Another office biopsy, still inconclusive. Doctor wanted to repeat in a few months.

By then I was so afraid I had cancer that I couldn't make plans; it was literally a paralyzing fear - I was worried about myself, taking care of my father, what plans to make. So eventually I said I'm going to put it all aside and just live my life.

I think that worry created the stress that made it difficult to move forward not only b/c of anxiety but because of unresolved issues of my sister's death.

I've been researching the family tree so much I am ready to build a tree house. I have found it fascinating how old many of my Dad's relatives, who were born in the 1800's had lived into their 90's and 100's.

Then I noticed that their own grown children were not living as long. Even less longevity for those grown children's grown children.

My theory is food. Back in the 1800's and early 1900's it was pretty much organic food, thus they had a good foundation. Then came along food with chemicals to give the food a longer shelf life. Then came even more chemicals.

I've been eating more organic foods the past year, so I don't know if I can reverse the damage.... [sigh].

Another things I am doing, not going overboard with medical test. I am now in the "what-ever mode" of health. I have my annual check-up and if the doctor asked for more tests or x-rays, I just drag my feet until another year goes by. I feel I am feeling pretty good right now so why spoil it. I rather live a shorter life then be bogged down taking meds that create so many side-effects it is worse then the illness, and to be stressed out over more medical tests.

I'm also concerned, and I wasn't as concerned before I began taking care of my father. Now my anxiety for old age is more heightened, and still becoming more so in terms of safety in public or weather related situations.

The fact is though that we're seeing primarily the negative aspects of aging, not that they don't exist. AARP presents the opposite viewpoint, probably as part of it sales pitches, showing older people on international trips, doing all sorts of things, living healthy, and more.

I don't know for certain how many people age gracefully or with medical or other challenges. What I'm trying to do is identify what could happen and make preliminary plans. That's about all I can do, as well as try to ignore the mania in the political situation.

Honestly though, I'm beginning to want to avoid crowds (such as outdoor music concerts), transit stations, and anyplace where there are significant numbers of people to present a target to some deranged person. I think right now the Las Vegas massacre is more on my mind than getting old.

thanx! all you thoughtful people for your intelligent insights learned from this 'new age' [not necessarily 'new and improved'!] longer life phenomenon. i volunteer at an art museum's gardens, some members of whom are bright 90-somethings - and - we all likely observe many over 65s who are in poor health or attitude. seeing the opposite ends of the spectrum of aging lifestyles can have the effect of inspiring us - or - appreciation for our not being on the 'wrong end'.

3 Years ago my mother died at age 81. last year I lost my two sister-in-laws both age 69. Three months ago I buried my son, age 39, My father is 91 and still going strong. I am 63 and in excellent health. No one knows when death will occur. I live each day as it comes to the best of my ability. I do what I can to stay healthy and focus on the positive. I refuse to fear the unknown. I just hope and pray I die when the quality of my life diminishes. My remaining children and husband knows of my wishes for my end of life care and burial. I will not throw in the towel of life yet. I still have what I assume is a good few years left and I intend to live them to the fullest.

Thank you for asking this question CeeCee. Since my father passed last year, I am scared for myself if and when I do get into my 80s or beyond. Like the others have said, I do intend to plan and ensure I have all my paperwork in place. I too do not want to burden family if at all possible.

I know none of us can predict the future, but I hope with planning and an attitude of gratitude for the present, I will adapt to this final act no matter what it brings.

Huge Mom.
Hi chica.
I agree. Love your post also.God bless you. You're only getting as "old"as you feel.I choose to enjoy each day passing, and each day arriving, and making it count.I do not sit around and fret as others or feel doomed,nor should anyone here,as i am not OLD yet. Older woman sure(born in 1970s)but not old.I sure will enjoy it all though,if i get mi parents age,and others in our familia,as life is a blessing,and we have to enjoy it much as we can.
Mi parents just are enjoying all the time both blessfully have been together,and do not take any of it for granted, so growing old/being seniors they are and happy in life and are just enjoying their time 24hrs.a day and i daily or few several times week make sure they get out and enjoy! Even if just a ride local/and or different stops we make and have a nice day for few hours each day or every other day.It makes all of the difference.If you're sitting around mourning about getting older, DON'T.
-
Think of all the other innocent people who are dying all young before 50s.

God bless you all.Good night.
adios.

For sure many of us are definitely frightened about the future, particularly if we develop dementia or acquire a medical condition that requires us to be dependent on someone else.

Frankly, I hope I do get cancer because I want to die with dignity. I WILL NOT end up in a nursing home. I'll suffocate myself before I end up in "the home"! Seriously!

I do worry about my future but I choose to be practical about my aging process (eat low sugar, including limited whole grains and fruit, lots of veggies, limited meat, plenty of salmon, no to dairy products on a daily basis; organic diet as much as possible; exercise both cardio and strength @ three to four times a week, get plenty of sleep, try to keep the stress to a minimum) while also focusing - now - on doing things, whatever I can fit in with Mom's schedule, to enjoy my life, to accomplish my goals, to work through my Bucket List - now. My biggest fear on my deathbed is I'll regret not doing things that I wanted to but didn't because of my caregiving responsibilities. I have no regrets on my caregiving experience. I'm much better for it. But, it's also now my time to focus on me - for once.

I choose to put my worry into a plan of action of getting out and enjoying life while I can. For example, I've always wanted to be a good dancer. I'm horrible on the dance floor. It's embarrassing. Have you seen the episode of Seinfeld with Elaine dancing?? I'm worse than her! One of the things on my Bucket List is to be a good dancer...where everyone on dance floor either moves out of the way to either clap along or move out of the way for fear I may accidentally kick them! :-) When my mother was in her younger days, she loved to go dancing on with my father on New Year's Eve. I inherited her love of getting on the dance floor but I also inherited my father's two left feet. :-) I'm actually now researching local dance classes to get my feet going!

I am 75 in November. I am afraid of the future. I have been Mother's Caregiver since Jan 2015. Joining the choir, practicing with them all last year and since Sept. this year singing praises to the lord on the risers on Sunday mornings is keeping me joyful and living in the word. My son stays with Mom on Sunday mornings and a friend stays with Mom on Tuesday evenings during my Choir practice. Once a week a retired Nurse stays with Mom for 4 hours so I have time for Dr. appointments and errands. This is a good time in my life being blessed with a loving family life by staying with my Mom and Kitty in a loving Senior Facility. I have two sons. I don't think they or their wives would take me in and I worry about finances, or how can I fund taking care of myself in the future. I am worried about the 5 year look back period and plan to start paying taxes next year on the income I receive from Mother for Caretaking so I never have to sell my house should Mother live to 106 and then have to go on Medicaid. That doesn't leave much time or money for me to save for my old age. I just got out of debt from a going business that I was forced to quit from when I had health problems 7 years ago. Having a pleasant, loving LO doesn't mean you are without anxiety, we can always find something to give us anxiety even when life is going good. We all need to experience joying living while Caretaking and drop the anxiety. Praise the Lord.

I'm looking at my 94 year old mother right now vegging on the couch. She's blissfully unaware of anything (stage 7 Alzheimer's), just "zoned out" in her own little world. We went over a few minutes ago and stroked her hair and talked to her. She screamed bloody murder! So much for being loving. She was never one to be "touched" anyway. She's a miserable old lady that finds no joy in anything, never did, actually. I have prayed that God would take her and she would be relieved of her misery (and me of mine).

How hypocritical of me, being a Christian. But this is NOT living. This doesn't fulfill Jeremiah 29:11 for either of us-"For I know the plans I have for you declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." This is harmful and no one is prospering. The future holds more pain and suffering. But far be it that I understand the mind of God.

I have one son who doesn't want anything to do with me, so it's just my husband and me in the future. This WILL NOT happen to me. I will make sure of that. We plan on retiring in Mexico. You can walk into any pharmacy there and buy anything you want. 30 sleeping pills will do the job.

How can I say this as a Christian? Because God's gift to me was my life and what I've done with my life has been my gift to God. By the time I retire, I will have been a nurse for 44 years. I think He'd be happy with that. I tried my best to be a good wife and mother, in spite of the fact that my son has thrown all that I have taught him out the window. I've helped many people physically, emotionally and financially. I've rescued countless homeless dogs and cats. I've taken care of my ornery, manipulative mother in her last years. I took care of my dad before he died.

Now, if God has issues that I decide my fate in that I won't follow her in the path of dementia, then I guess I'll get my butt kicked when I get there.

In the mean time, I WILL NOT have anyone wipe my bottom, dress me, feed me, go into debt because of me or loose their marriage and/or their mind because of me. It's my life and I have a right to do with it as I see fit. When I see life becoming too hard then it will be time to stop the process. No one will see ME wandering the streets in my dirty diaper, babbling like an idiot. I will die with dignity even if it has to be at my own hand.

I'm 60 and have recently become concerned with my own aging process, I suppose a lot of it has to do with my mother's nasty behavior toward me since my fathers death 3 years ago. When I was younger, I expected my older age to be pleasantly spent with my husband traveling and working on my hobbies, just enjoying the life God gave us. I can't really put my finger on what caused these negative feelings, maybe just a combination of many things. My husband developed diabetes 3 years ago but is in pretty good health otherwise, I have chronic back pain but we manage ok. I don't have children. My husband has 2 from his first marriage and we were close with them until about 3 years ago. Our business has always been pretty successful but became very successful about 10 years ago which caused a lot of bitter jealously among some of our "friends" and family, so we've had a lot of changes in our 'support system', relationships that we thought we could depend on are now gone. If I die first, my husband will have a support system to help him, but if he dies first, I'm going to be in trouble. I don't really have anyone to depend on. I never want to be a burden on anyone but there are so many things that can go wrong with health, like dementia or stoke. I think having a stoke is my greatest fear. I know we talk about all the things you can do to improve health, but stokes happen to all kinds of people, young/old, fat/skinny, etc. A lady on this list wrote about her ordeal a couple of years ago. She had a stoke or heart problem and was in the hospital for 3 months and during that time her husbands niece took over control of her life. The niece hid the woman's husband that had dementia, sold her house & possessions, stole her money. So when the lady got out of the hospital, she basically had a tote bag. That's what I'm afraid of, becoming incapacitated and someone just taking over my life. I've seen many stories on AgingCare about people that thought they could trust someone, but it didn't work out that way. I'm comfortable with dying or not being in perfect health, but when the brain goes with stroke or dementia, well that's my fear.

I don't know how to answer this question. I feel like my life was far more interesting until I went on disability 14 years ago at 46. My list of health problems has only gotten longer. I feel like my dad had a more interesting life at my age of 60 than I do now.

The best thing that I can say about now is that our boys are out of the house and I am finding the empty nest to be a good thing when it comes to travel which we have done more of over this year and last year. Our oldest son will finish his masters in December and already has a job lined up where he did a paid internship over the summer.

My dad is 92 and was diagnosed with Alzheimer's several years ago. I don't know if I have his long life genes, but I doubt that I will live that long or that my retirement will last that long. I am concerned though that I might come down with Alzheimer's when I get older. His sister had it too. My mother's mother lived into her 90's, but mom came down with vascular dementia and died in her early 80's.

I find that being on disability that I'm more withdrawn from life which was not true of my earlier life. I think that this former extrovert has become an introvert for I need peace and quiet to re-charge. Even my church attendance has declined over time for a reason that I can't put my finger on. This is true of my wife as well. Sad to say but the only time I hear from my church is the stewardship program and the pictorial directory.

nebbish - thx - some good genes, (mother is 105 and was good till about 100), healthy lifestyle, a lot of hard work, a lot of planning, no doubt some good fortune and God's blessings, and also living in Canada. As well, I am stubborn and I pray a lot. I worked until was 73 at which point the stresses of distance caring for my borderline personality disorder mother, who showed signs of developing dementia, and working full time were too great.. I do have Chronic Fatigue Syndrome and Fibromyalgia (since 1993) which limit me, but I keep exercising etc. to stay as fit as I can. I had 4 children and worked most of the time when they were small and as they grew up. By working the extra years after 65, I boosted my pension. Canada has a good system for seniors. Mother is in a lovely ALF which together with her meds and other supplies, costs her less than $3000 a month. Obviously our health care system is a major factor in making my plans work out.

nebbish - I wish you blessings

superstring - I am the one who said her life was more interesting now than before. I guess have always found life to be interesting, but at this age, my children are independent, my mother who was a very difficult person all my life is finally medicated, and my health and finances allow me some choices. When I was 70, I rode through a large city on the back of my godson's motorcycle. Since then I have tented in the wilderness, corralled horses (I was afraid if them all my life), totally renovated my house, travelled to the Yukon and Florida, and a few points in between.It hasn't always been easy, but it has been worth it. The next adventure, after my second cataract op , will be hunting pronghorn south of here . Sig other will hunt, I will use my camera. I have no doubt I will be very tired much of the time, but I have learned to live with that. I can sleep in the car. I haven't figured out what I will do to mark the 80 milestone -mayber snorkeling somewhere warm, maybe not.

Thank you, Suzie, for your concise and positive comments on what we can do now to help with our aging. Like you, I exercise 2-3 times a week with water aerobics and light weight lifting. I do the daily puzzles in the newspaper and have my own puzzle books, too. I am trying to learn Swedish, though it is hard when you are old to learn another language, but it is good for your brain--as is the aerobics and weight lifting. I am going to try to get the genealogy I have learned in written form and with photos to pass on to my son and nieces and nephews.
We had the "bounty" of having a house fire in 2009 after which all the interior plaster had to be removed down to the studs except in two lower bedrooms that house all my family history photos and things which remained undamaged. I used that opportunity to improve the house: making the doorways wheelchair accessible in width; a wider stairway on our split-entry home so there would be room for a lift if we needed it; a larger entry way so a person in a wheel chair could handle it more easily; a larger bedroom in case on of us were bedridden; plus better insulation in the walls and ceiling, energy efficient doors, steel siding instead of the flammable vinyl siding we had, aluminum soffits and leaf guard gutters so no more painting or cleaning out the gutters to do. I never realized so many good things could happen because of a fire. I had to pay for the improvements, but because we lost all of possessions for daily use and everything was insured for replacement value, the last check from the insurance company paid for all my improvements with $5,000 to spare. We had already replaced everything we thought we needed, so I thought: "It can't get any fairer than this!" I gave that money to my son and his family.
I am also POA for a long time friend of mine with no children or close relatives and is in a memory care apartment I found for him and his wife before she passed on. I am learning more what these issues are and feel fortunate for the guidance I have received in seeing to his care. He is happy, except for missing his wife. His care is excellent and I am paying attention and thanking those who provide it. I have no idea how my and my wife's and future will be health-wise. I have had four "near miss" medical situations where I have gotten care and operations just in the nick of time, so I don't take anything for granted. Fortunately, each situation was a one-time thing and correctable, but that doesn't mean more won't happen. My wife and I have our will and trust set up and a "plan" if we need it. How well we do is partly up to us. None of my ancestors knew about the importance of exercise and diet like people can know now, so my attention to this is a big experiment to see how well I can do. So far, so good. I pray a lot, say thanks a lot, and have a purpose in the care of my friend and my family, house and yard. When I can't mow the grass, I have a young neighbor who I hope to hire when he is a little older. I started that at age 8 for a neighbor and I learned a lot about how a yard should look and what it took to get it that way. Being out to check on the flowers and spot any weeds I don't want is part of what I do a couple days a week. I photograph the beautiful blossoms and butterflies and bees visiting them and share those on-line, so there is a type of art I can do and offer to others. Giving to others is another positive attitude to have. I don't know how I will handle a diminishing mental and physical body, but am working to keep that from happening. That is something almost any of us can do for our own good. I wish you all well on this path. Maybe we can forestall the worst of our fears.

I'm saving up for my Netherlands fund. If I could choose my time and place I will. I too think how I can protect my children from all this.

First I'm having conversations with my adult children --they dismiss it because they can't see into the future, but it doesn't stop me from having the conversations that I don't want them to care for me, place me if they have to, etc.
Secondly, I've made sure my documents are current including correcting DPOA etc so that critical errors my parents that crippled me won't hinder them
Thirdly (I'm 60), by the time I'm 70, I likely will add one of them to my checking account and sign a bank POA. Yes, believe it or not your bank has its own POA!! Ridiculous but true.
Lastly, I have a friend who's daughter is like a sister to my sons...she's watched me walk this crazy walk with my mother and I've asked her to step in and help my sons make the right decision for me so they don't feel guilty and wear themselves out when I fight to stay in my home when I should be in care or have assistance in my home.
Lastly, I'm planning on being part of the solution. There has got to be a better and more sustainable way to care for elders in coming years. NJ or NY have Village Communities where they pair elders with neighbors, etc so that everyone looks out for each other vs looking the other way.

How bout it folks?!

Every day :)

This is for Golden23,

This is for golden23 Well, good for you....80 and still independent and not worried about how you will be taken care of when you need to be taken care of. Takes a lot of confidence and money to handle that aspect of ageing. I wish you luck. Luck seems to have become your best buddy so far. Well, good for you.

I am sorry, indeed sad to read what you say...I do not judge you...Me? No matter what happens to me as I get closer to life's end (I'm 81) I just figure God's got this under control...I trust in the almighty...

Grace + Peace,

Bob

Oh WOW, I'm with you. Every time I looked at my mom, I had those same thoughts about my own future in my declining years. I kept finding myself hoping that I would have a heart attack and die on the spot when my time comes. I decided to do whatever I can to keep my mind and body sharp...exercise 3 times a week at the gym, do crossword puzzles...all of that stuff. I have also made a box for each of my kids with memorabilia, pictures, geneology and personal notes from me...things I want them to have after I pass. In one of my notes, I made sure that they know how much I love and appreciate them...just in case I end up being rude or mean in my last years. It's all I know to do. Mostly I just want you to know that you're not the only one that has those fears. Tonight I will pray that God will wrap His arms around you and give you peace about your future and in your life.

thomasedwin.. 'sadly' chemical restraints are not allowed in rest homes here. or maybe I mean 'gladly'. that control was stopped a good 25yrs ago, and for good reason. I am sure thats why all those years back the average residency was about 11mths in a rest home. Now its something like 4-5 yrs here . ranging from 6mths to 12 yrs

I really enjoyed reading all the responses on this thread. I'm 70, hubby 85 with severe dementia & round-the-clock caregivers and hospice. So my current burden is light. But I have no family except for his children and although we have a good relationship (and one of them is now my medical poa) I wouldn't expect nor want any of them to take care of me for various reasons. I plan to hire a professional fiduciary for health care poa some time in the near future but haven't done so as it just hasn't bubbled up to the top of the endless to-do list. All the other legal paperwork is in order although my filing isn't exactly perfect yet I think everything is accessible. My plan for a long time has been to find a continuing care community once hubby is gone--I was able to get LTC insurance for myself after he was diagnosed but his care is all out-of-pocket. I don't worry much about what will happen to me physically or mentally but I do worry about running out of money. I also have learned a lot during the period we've had caregivers in the home and I know that I need to do my research before committing to a CCRC. Fortunately I'm okay, no health problems, so it's likely that I have some time to contemplate where I might want to go. I particularly appreciate the answers from those who have already reached a greater age than I. There is no age to which I want to return, and I wonder if I won't just keep on feeling that way. ONe poster said that at 80 her life was more interesting than it had ever been, and I'd like to think that that's the way I'll feel! I'm looking forward to more comments on this subject.

I truly understand your fears. As a full time caregiver of my husband and knowing that we have no financial resources for long term care, I worry all the time about becoming with ill one of my own conditions or getting a form of dementia myself and becoming a huge burden on family. I have prayed that I die before that can happen and it makes day to day living far from pleasant. But I do try hard to find small joys and little things to be grateful for and find that spending even a little time out of doors helps. I am grateful for this site where even the worst challenges can be discussed with those who understand.

They are working on methods to halt or reverse aging! Keep your fingers crossed.

I am a strong supporter of POLST. If you are diagnosed with a terminal disease (Alz or other dementias, cancer, ALS, or any other number of terminal illnesses), POLST allows you, not your family to decide how far you want to go with treatment. POLST is NOT suicide and is NOT murder. It is simply saying, "when I reach a particular point in the disease process I no longer want to be treated for acute illnesses such as pneumonia, flu, or others." It is allowing "nature to take its course."

There is no guarantee that one will die when that point is reached. We do not have POLST here, but having researched the ethics for almost a year, my sister and I agreed to this type of decision for my dad over 1.5 years ago based upon our conversations with him when he was still able to understand. He has since had several bouts of colds, pneumonia, and either a DVT or cellulitis with no treatments and virtually unscathed by them. We know that we are no longer throwing every treatment at him to keep him alive to reach a vegetative state with potential feeding tubes, etc., and live there until we are ready to let him go in peace.

Not every state has POLST. For those that do not, there is an addendum that one can add to his/her HC-POA or living will that can be used to more clearly and explicitly outline your wishes. A document called Five-Wishes can help figure out how to write an addendum like this.

Pneumonia was long considered the "old man's friend."

Many will disagree with me, and that's okay; I used to disagree with me, and I do not condemn anyone's decision except those of suicide or murder. Over the last 3 years, I have watched many people in our nursing home in a vegetative state be treated over and over again to keep them alive. When one antibiotic meets resistance, they try another and another, a setup for increasingly resistant bacteria.

Yes, I feel the same. It is frightening!

When you get old and you get to the nursing home don't worry they will give you drugs so you won't know if your coming or going, if you don't like drugs, don't worry, because they will slip the drugs in with your other medications and not tell you after that by the time you find out, you won,t care.

I've got my plan in place should something happen to me - I also wish to go with Dignity. I also want to be cremated, no funeral, no service, no nothing. I never married nor had children, and I also do not observe some of the holidays. I am not religious and I do not attend church on Sundays

Wow! We CAN still have intelligent conversation! Caregiving is so other focused that it is nice to read that we are still thinking. I feel I have mentally and physically aged 10 years since my husband's dementia diagnosis and think of aging in a more negative way now. I keep thinking I will care for myself once he is in a facility, if there is a me left. But, I have all my legal work handled, have LTC insurance and will not live with my children but near them in a facility when the time comes. I would like to travel more and hope I can once my caregiving days are over. All in God's hands, suicide not an option for me. Good tread! Thanks!

I agree. Since I have been reading this forum, it gets to me to see what people are going through in caring for their aging relatives. Every time I forget something, get confused, or use the wrong word, I am terrified that I am getting Alzheimer's. I am a Christian, so I trust in God's care, but the thought of being unable to care for myself and being a burden on my children is still frightening. Suicide is never the answer.

As for not wanting to be a burden on one's children, nobody wants that to happen, but weren't they a burden on us when they were small? Didn't we care for their needs and nurse them through all kinds of illnesses? That is what families do; they take care of each other. Life is full of tragedy, heartache, and burdens. There is no avoiding it until life is done.

WOW, thank you all for your participation..in what is a very true and huge hurdle in our 'thinking' lives.
Yes I think about it ... and in a way planned how not for it to happen, of following in my Ma's footsteps. she is nearly 95 but hasnt been fully aware of surrounding life for the past 10yrs. Blocked by a dominating husband who was able to hide his dementia from most by becoming more obnoxious and dominating.
When he passed, she of course had no one to tell her what to do every 3mins and so crumbled fast
I have told my daughters that they are not to have me with them, but to throw me into a rest home , set up automatic payments and never visit. My Ma is everything she said she never wanted to be" Ga-gaaa in an institution"
I think I do the daily test... Oh gosh I forgot Ive done that, No I havent I forgot it but now remember. .
We have spineless politicians in this country so euthanasia isnt allowed, at this point in time.
I had been wondering if I had mild depression cos of how I think of my future.. and now [heading for 70] am doing the every 2 yrs analysis of whether I stay in my present situation or return to town and live in a little concrete box in a concrete vista, with basic needs and responsibilities. .
My sister said once . It was OK for me I was a nurse I knew how to speed things up at the end.!! My response, go into any supermarket and take 5x of whatever you fancy where it sez something is poisonous or not to overdose on.
No not suicidal but not going to prolong things. I did that when I was mid 40s and landed up for 17yrs with multiple surgeries after one big woopsie surgery. Now I just want my diagnoses, and to hell with treatment.
My family 'dont need me' all adults. and I just wish my Ma's calcified heart and shrunken brain could find the stop button soon for her to be at peace instead of the h*ll she is in.