I’ll try to be succinct! My mom’s vascular dementia has been worsening and her bloodwork/meds are constantly changing. Dad is extremely stressed and unable to be her caregiver. A personal care aide comes daily.
Their initial retirement plan was to move to a condo in FL. Later they realized that would be too hard & got on the waitlist at a local 55+ community. Now 6 months later, her medical team says she belongs in a Memory Care facility.
In the past, mom always said (and made us promise) she would never go to a care home. And I’m afraid dad will have sticker shock over the expense and try to delay the inevitable. (He does not need care and will continue to live independently- willingly downsizing to an apartment.)Any advice on the actual wording & tone for this conversation would be appreciated. I need to write up an outline with focused talking points. My goal is to have the discussion in a calm and organized way. Thank you all in advance for your advice.
So do set a well-meaning promise to the side.
I will also tell you that any parent who REQUIRES such a promise of you is selfish. I am sorry to be that hard about it, but our parents had their lives. I am now 82. I have had my life. What a horribly selfish thing it would be of me to require my daughter, early 60s, to give up the most free time of her life to throw herself on my burning funeral pyre. That is quite simply not right in any way.
So that's for promises.
Sticker shock. Yes. And there may need to be discussions with an attorney sooner than later so Dad can discuss how best to protect his OWN assets now which he will need for his own care. Because the fact is that his wife does need now to be in memory care; and his own share of assets needs protection.
Get help from financial advisors and from an Elder Law Attorney.
The talking points aren't all that difficult. The facts are there. Your mom now needs memory care; your father cannot take care of her; and you should not be required to. You can help your father explore places. I would suggest in this case using a company such as A Place for Mom after an attorney is seen about assets and finances. (and by the way, POA, will update, any documents such as advance directives that are not already done).
This will be your first exploration. They will want information about Mom and about family assets and affordability. And will be able to give you options.
I am sorry. It won't go smoothly. What in life really does. It won't be easy.
I can only wish you good luck and tell you to take it one step at a time. First is acceptance that mom needs memory care. Next is the attorney. And one step at a time.
Some memory care places are even starting to offer options for the spouse without dementia to live in the same unit as the one who needs it, by offering two-bedroom suites which can be shared by spouses, or by unrelated people at a lower cost. That's usually too constraining for the second spouse, but I know some couples who have done it that way. The healthy spouse comes and goes through the day while knowing that the other is being cared for, and they still sleep together and wake up together in their "home." If you look at newer communities, they can be cheerful or elegant and just look like retirement apartments rather than institutions.
Still, it's not easy. It may take a while. The primary point is that she needs to be SAFE. Emphasize that.
I wish you well. Let us know how it goes.
About that promise - it doesn’t count. You had no idea what you were promising. She has no idea what modern facilities are like. It is moot. The important thing now is that mom gets the professional care she needs.
Go look at some facilities. Take dad with you. Then consider the facilities with their entertainment, socializing, companionship and 24/7 care vs an old woman sitting at home, bored, refusing to bathe, and trying to turn on the stove every time the caregiver turns her back. The choice is easy. (My husband is in memory care. He is content and safe, and they’re having a Valentine party on Friday.)
So long as they don't put mom or dad in a "home".
I think it's absolutely disgusting that a parent would make their children promise such a thing.
Anyway, tell your father privately and it is not going to be easy to tell your mother. Yes, it is expensive but if there's no other option, it is what it is. Be prepared for tears, tantrums, denial, and anger directed at you. If you have siblings all of you should talk to your mother together.
There are assisted living facilities that will let your parents live together. Maybe that can be an option for them.
Your father may want to tell your mother himself that she's getting placed and you won't have to.