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I. How We Work in Washington. Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services. APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid. We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour. APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
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V. Complaints. Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights. APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.I agree that: A.I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information"). B.APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink. C.APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site. D.If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records. E.This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year. F.You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
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Segoline what are you feeling guilty about? Your mother, I believe, is 93 y/o and failing in health. Her body is wearing out. She has lived her life, good bad or indifferent. You have made the correct (imo) decision in signing her on to Hospice. Are you feeling guilty for this? If so, death is a natural progression for we humans. So I am trying to find out if the guilt you feel is due to signing her onto hospice or something else?
To use your own words from a recent post where you told us all to “get a grip” - in that post you were telling us all to buck up and accept that taking care of an elder parent is their kids responsibility and all of us choosing to place our elderly family members in a facility were being selfish.
Sadness from losing your mother is natural, but any guilt you are feeling has to stem from you & her and past episodes, but that is water under the bridge now.
I signed my mother into hospice at age 89. She had suffered several strokes - the last one caused her to be unresponsive. Knowing my mother very well I knew she would not want to go on like how she became after her last stroke. I knew that from several conversations we had over the years. Did I feel guilty opting for hospice? No. I knew what the final outcome would be.
Noone has a perfect relationship with their parents. If there is any guilt you have about your prior interactions bad or good, you will need to work that out. But for now enjoy the time you have left with her.
Still feel the guilt. Everyone has said I did the most I could do, and there is nothing to feel guilty about.
I think it is the VOID... The thought someone died under my watch and care. Life....
I can't prevent life from happening, and I lost people I love, IT leaves a Void.
Maybe that's what I am still feeling. One died of cancer, one died of early onset dementia; alz, and list goes on....
Losing family and loved ones hurt. It does, and perhaps it was their time, perhaps they were too tired to keep on going... It wasn't our time to let them go, and I don't know if that "time" will ever be to us who are left behind, but it was there time.
Our time will come too.....Jus thope to see a grandchild before that happens ...
I pre-forgave myself many years ago as a very young woman. Since I lost my dad when I was 16 and have no siblings, the pressure from my mother was enormous. I determined that I would do everything I believed I should do when I should do it and sincerely believe that guilt is a wasted emotion. Why? Do what you should when you should and there's no reason to feel guilt, is there? Those who offer you a ticket on the Guilt-trip Express should be told, "No thanks. I went there once and it wasn't very interesting and I choose to not return." And certainly, don't purchase one of those tickets for yourself! Be gentle and forgiving of yourself.
I'm sorry you're having a rough week but please, don't feel guilty. As long as a loved one is safe and is being well cared for, then that's a good thing! Life definitely isn't fair and we just have to make the best decisions that we can and move forward. Also, remember that we have to take care of ourselves first, before we can take care of others. Stay strong!
We all have rough weeks that turn into rough months and years. Dementia claims / takes so many people’s identities, happiness, I think the caregiver suffers just as much in some ways, possibly more than the afflicted
((((((hugs)))))) That's one of the things we are here for!
Remember false guilt is due to not meeting the (often unrealistic) expectations of others, True guilt is felt when you have done something wrong. You have done nothing wrong,
FOG - fear, obligation and guilt are the tools of manipulation that narcissistic people use on their children and others to get their way, regardless of the cost to their children and other people.
You are entitled to a life of your choosing as much as any other person. You are providing your parent with good care That is your job. It is not your job to make anyone else happy. Only they can do that for themself.
Is there anything in particular that has triggered this off?
Do something good for you - treat yourself. You are worth it.
golden23, I just wanted to say that I read your answer, and it was like a balm to me on this guilt filled night. Thank you for taking the time to write it.
By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington.
Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services.
APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid.
We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour.
APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment.
You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints.
Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights.
APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.
I agree that:
A.
I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information").
B.
APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink.
C.
APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site.
D.
If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records.
E.
This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year.
F.
You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
You have made the correct (imo) decision in signing her on to Hospice.
Are you feeling guilty for this? If so, death is a natural progression for we humans.
So I am trying to find out if the guilt you feel is due to signing her onto hospice or something else?
To use your own words from a recent post where you told us all to “get a grip” - in that post you were telling us all to buck up and accept that taking care of an elder parent is their kids responsibility and all of us choosing to place our elderly family members in a facility were being selfish.
Sadness from losing your mother is natural, but any guilt you are feeling has to stem from you & her and past episodes, but that is water under the bridge now.
I signed my mother into hospice at age 89. She had suffered several strokes - the last one caused her to be unresponsive. Knowing my mother very well I knew she would not want to go on like how she became after her last stroke. I knew that from several conversations we had over the years. Did I feel guilty opting for hospice? No. I knew what the final outcome would be.
Noone has a perfect relationship with their parents. If there is any guilt you have about your prior interactions bad or good, you will need to work that out.
But for now enjoy the time you have left with her.
I think it is the VOID... The thought someone died under my watch and care. Life....
I can't prevent life from happening, and I lost people I love, IT leaves a Void.
Maybe that's what I am still feeling. One died of cancer, one died of early onset dementia; alz, and list goes on....
Losing family and loved ones hurt. It does, and perhaps it was their time, perhaps they were too tired to keep on going... It wasn't our time to let them go, and I don't know if that "time" will ever be to us who are left behind, but it was there time.
Our time will come too.....Jus thope to see a grandchild before that happens ...
Those who offer you a ticket on the Guilt-trip Express should be told, "No thanks. I went there once and it wasn't very interesting and I choose to not return." And certainly, don't purchase one of those tickets for yourself! Be gentle and forgiving of yourself.
Remember false guilt is due to not meeting the (often unrealistic) expectations of others, True guilt is felt when you have done something wrong. You have done nothing wrong,
FOG - fear, obligation and guilt are the tools of manipulation that narcissistic people use on their children and others to get their way, regardless of the cost to their children and other people.
You are entitled to a life of your choosing as much as any other person. You are providing your parent with good care That is your job. It is not your job to make anyone else happy. Only they can do that for themself.
Is there anything in particular that has triggered this off?
Do something good for you - treat yourself. You are worth it.