Family members who are contributing very little seem to think this is not so difficult, and I'm just dramatizing. Or they imply I'm not efficient enough (juggling work + caregiving), or they say my negative outlook is the problem etc. They offer suggestions that are impractical because they have no clue of the actual situation here. I try to limit my contact and seek support elsewhere, but that's not always practical as there has to be some contact with family members. It's triggering every single time. Yet outsiders (friends, coworkers etc) are very supportive, validating, and encouraging. I look forward to the day I can walk away from family completely, after my father is gone. Sad but true. Are my family dynamics unique?
I no longer have a relationship with them apart from a strained e-mail or phone call occasionally. They showed me who they were (which I had already suspected to be honest) and now I believe them. They are selfish, critical, self-absorbed, you name it.
I used to wonder after we had all grown up and moved out of the home why after family get-togethers I would be depressed for days afterward. It wasn't till my mom got old and needed help that I realized,"these people aren't that nice"
Have you ever walked into a situation and immediately felt judged and scrutinized? Welcome to my family.
I am a Christian woman and I know that I need to forgive to be forgiven. To not judge or criticize etc. But it's very hard with my family. For me it's best to love them from afar. Very far!
Your family might fracture for good after your mom passes and you know what, maybe that's all for the best. For you!
Have learned not to complain to anyone because they will just ignore me and not respond. Or, if they do respond - they tell me I'm stupid for not putting her in a nursing home.
Unfortunately, many people are self-centered jerks. (So I've recently learned.)
Caregiving has taught me to be quiet, to not complain, and to not ever ask for help from those I know. Because all that will happen are denials and judgement. A hard lesson at this point of my life.
Lots of posters here have ended up with fractured family relationships due to caregiving.
Look up a technique called "grey rock". It's a way of managing toxic people who you must stay in contact with.
Please feel free to vent away! Be aware that some of us may give you unwanted advice, or suggest other ways of doing things, but you arecfreecto take it or leave it! We mean well and we care.
I am like you and still trying to resolve the triggers.
My sister has come once in 23 months (she is in another state). Anything I have asked her to help with - (which really have become pretty basic tasks now as she never follows through) still lacks any actual follow through or effort. In her spare time she is on Facebook while I’m researching stroke puzzles and activities.
I put her on FaceTime with mom usually once a week - it starts off with a text the day before of her saying “I can FT mom at 4:15 tomorrow” her texts also included “but I have a client at 5:15 so I can only talk till then” or the text includes the list of things she has to do before she talks to mom and why she can’t talk until 4:15. Then comes the day of text - “I’m running late and have to stop at the post office or stop by and get a signature from someone so it will be more like 4:45 - I will text you when I am ready. So my day now adds in checking my cell phone from 4:15-5:00 to see if she text to say “I’m ready”.
(Realize if I tell her this is more work and to commit to her day and time - she will freak out tell me “she is doing the best she can and stop judging her” which then means mom is punished by no phone call. This is the “best” a grown 54 year old woman can do - who has her own business - like me and can make her own schedule - has helped her husband run not one but 2 election campaigns in the middle of moms stroke recovery - but she cannot figure out how to help me - “believe people when they show you who they are” - my sister is a victim of self pity for herself - she doesn’t think about a mom who is mostly bedridden and what that feels like - she doesn’t want to know what waiting all day for a FaceTime call from family feels like to someone like mom in bed - it feels really long - as does the additional 45 minutes she adds onto the “being late”. It really breaks my heart.
Mom has a schedule (which every once in awhile may have a change or additional appt in there) but for the most part it’s a set schedule.
Monday - gone all day out of the house
Tuesday - nursing and OT
wed - PT private and talks to granddaughter FT etc and so on.
My sister is always Thursday FaceTime and every Thursday it’s a problem.
I have begun to wonder how much longer I can play the game with her. I do this solely for my mom - only for my mom but now almost 3 years later she still cannot commit ever to one hour a week on FaceTime (while constantly trying to defend her own guilt by saying if she lived closer she would be here and help more) and yet every Thursday she is still late or delayed - creating more work for me and yes more triggers. She will then blame me for “the stress she has because she is late talking to mom” when she creates the stress when she doesn’t cannot commit to her own schedule that she CHOSE to do with mom. I didn’t choose her date or her time or even her doing the call. She did.
There comes a time when what they bring to the table is more work - they need to be set free. I’m about there….or I’m trying my hardest to get there. I have stopped telling mom an exact time I just say “she will be calling later today”.
But I want you to know you are NOT alone. You will probably have to make a resolve that the family will not help you - so when they do it will feel like a bonus and less like a trigger. As I said I am still navigating this myself. It’s a tough one for sure. I do hope and wish you find peace with it sooner rather than later. It’s stinks - biggest hug that your not alone at all. 🦋
No sadly your family dynamics are not unique, as it's always easier for someone looking in, to offer suggestions, then to actually offer help.
Keep up the good work.
Your family dynamics are, sadly, very common. I have heard, but now know first hand, that no matter how many children in a family, it will be ONE that becomes the main caregiver. Mom has been with me for over a year and I have long stopped wondering when things would become fair.
I have one sister. I retired a year early to bring mom to my home to take care of her. It was in the middle of COVID, and I was told by a doctor that she had "given up." I was afraid she would die alone in the facility where she was living. And yes, I often tell myself that it was me who decided to do this so I should not complain or expect help from my sister. Our relationship was already strained at the time I moved mom in because even at that time, I felt the burden of watching after mom while she lived in the facility.
My sister worked full time at the time I moved mom in with me so I could not expect much from her. Because I asked, she agreed to take mom every other weekend. She picked mom up around 6:00 - 7:00 on Friday after work and brought her back on Sunday evening around the same time. Now she is retired and has no plans to do more than she is already doing. Anything she does is because I ask - she offers nothing.
At one point I told her I needed more help and her response was to put her back in the facility.
We used to be very close but this has put such a wedge between us that once mom is gone, I feel no need to continue a relationship with her.
My emotions are all over the place: anger, resentment, anxiety, sadness, guilt...
I am now in therapy to sort through all this.
I know that God sees what we caregivers are doing - we're doing His work. We're doing what we are asked to do - serving others.
God Bless you. We can't control what others do. We will only answer for our actions.
agreed!! :)
but i must say, i wish for justice already now.
My mom lives with my YB and his family. He hovers over her and that's by his choice. Trying to get the other 4 sibs involved is a joke. I'll do what I can, but the other 3 sibs need a push.
For the most part, unless contacted and ASKED to step up and help, they will do nothing, and it could be a year or more without contact. OS will give a generous check to any cause mom needs, but won't do hands on anything. Other YB is a 'Dr. no-shot' and won't do anything that might upset mom. YOUNGEST sister is just now getting her 2 boys out into the world and she has a very stressful job. No spare time.
As far as hands on, I have stepped way back and do very little for mom. She'll ask IF you happen to call her (she doesn't call people, she waits for us to call her).
I had to take a break from driving her to bingo once a week when I had major foot surgery 5 weeks ago. When I was driving her, she could amazingly figure out how to call me every single Monday night to remind me! As soon as I had to hand this little task over to YB, she stopped calling. I probably can't drive her and manuver MY knee scooter AND her walker AND her and get her safely to BINGO for months yet. I don't know. But I do know that once I was no longer of help, the phone calls STOPPED.
When she passes, I really think my family will fracture for good.
Eliminate your "expectations" of who "should be" supportive. What "should be" is coming from you and it is not matching reality. The same dynamic is also often true when there is a death or an illness or any significant time of need.
If support comes from somewhere elsr, be grateful for what comes. Do not lament what does not come.
The credit union called me.
Since my mother was in the car, they had to give it to her.
That triggered another probate hearing and the judge cut her off, 💯.
That’s how much help she was.