My mom has dementia and has lived with us for over 5 years. I have MS and some days it’s just hard to deal with myself let alone her also. Whenever I bring up assisted living or a nursing home she threatens to kill herself? What do I do? Force her to go?
You have MS and she treats you like dirt. She should be concerned about you and help you! I’d be tempted to put her and her belongings on the street and slam the door after her. She’s awful! Get her out of your home and take care of yourself. You deserve better.
I had a cousin who suffered from MS and stress did a number on her. You probably really should not be caring fotpr her. People who suffer from Dementia are self-center and can no longer show empathy. You Mom does not understand what caring for her does to your health. If you need Medicaid to place her, start the process by going to your Social Services Agency and tslk to a Medicaid caseworker. If she has money, get her placed. My Mom had 20k when I placed her in LTC. Got her in and gave me time to get Medicaid files and accepted. You get it all set up, take her and explain when you get there that this is her new home because you can no longer care for her because you are sick. Will she understand that, probably not. Get her settled and leave allowing the aide to take over. Visiting is up to you. You don't have to stay hours. You don't have to be there everyday. She will be safe and cared for. You have a bad day orweek, you don't visit. You just need to do it. No guilt either, your health is important.
You aren't responsible for her happiness, and you have not the power either to care for her or to insure she is happy with said care.
She is either not thinking clearly or is selfish indeed to put her happiness and her care on a daughter already in need of care herself.
You aren't God and all his saints. You are a human with limitations.
As to Mom's threats to kill herself? Report them to her MD and she will likely be 5150'd into a psychiatric unit. She should be assessed for depression. Whether these are idle threats to make you obey her as always you have, or real threats, they should be assessed by experts. Give her the 988 universal phone number to call for help and tell her that you are not in control of that and not expert enough to deal with her suicidal ideation, because you are not.
Were your mother living in Switzerland she could readily avail herself NOW TODAY of right to die laws, and could go to either Dignitas or Pegasos to drink the last good cocktail. To my mind (I am 82) that would be a great blessing were it available to us here in the United States. It is a relief to know we could make a decent and dignified exit when we are ready. So far, much as we work for the laws, it is not the case here, now.
Sorry, but this is going to take courage on your part to tell mom
1. I no longer can care for you in my home
2. I no longer WISH to care for you in my home
3. I no longer INTEND to care for you in my home.
4. To the extent I am able I will help you settle into your new and last home.
5. This is not open to argument.
This isn't a matter of luck, so I won't wish you luck. This is a matter of necessity and of DOING it. If you need to hire a social worker or nurse manager to help you get this done do so. I am so very sorry this is put on you.