I’ve been married to a very controlling, bad tempered, abusive man for 42 years. We separated five years ago for a year. I remained faithful but he had a girlfriend. We got back together and he was even worse than ever. A couple years later he developed Alzheimer’s and now I take care of him. I have been asked out by a wonderful man. Part of me thinks I deserve some happiness as I never had it with my husband. My conscience tells me, I can’t see this nice man. Life is short but I don’t want to go against God. I’m so confused! Please help
Anyone who tells you otherwise isnt prioritizing your happiness.
The woman needs to feel self-love, self-worth, self-esteem.
She needs to learn to value herself and feel she deserves to be all she can be. She is wounded and needs to address many issues over many years of abuse / self-abuse.
You need to discus things in person with someone...A person you respect and have confidence in.
God wants you to value yourself.
God wants you to develop self-worth.
God will give you the courage to change if you want to and truly believe.
God wants you to do the inner work you need to do to feel good about yourself. If you do not, you will be repeating similar self-abusive behavior. The man may change although you will remain the same, and subject yourself to behave in self-destruction "I do not deserve ..." ways.
"We teach others how to treat us."
If you are with another person with psychological / mental health, self-esteem issues, it will be another self-destructive relationship.
You have to decide what you want and be willing to do the hard inner work to change - one step at a time, one moment of awareness at a time. You will need to feel through the pain and all the 'inner negative messages' you hear inside and say "NO. I am NOT listening to you any longer."
There are millions of books on self-esteem development.
Find one that works for you. And be committed to your own well being.
Gena / Touch Matters
I'd say it's long past time to dump your religion (with its invisible deity) if you think it condemns you to more suffering. Or at least reinterpret the Bible less literally.
"God doesn't expect you to stay in an abusive situation."
Please understand what this means.
And what do you mean "won't be too hard on me" --- do you want to hear the truth as we see it or support you to continue to feel you deserve to be in an abusive relationship?
* You are very wounded - for decades.
* You need professional support.
* Change is hard although it is possible. You are the only person who can decide to take the necessary steps to untangle the psychological, emotional and spiritual wounding. We can only support you to do your inner work. We all have to do it - no matter how much outer support / words (from all of us).
* WE WANT YOU TO SUCCESS IN HAVING A LIFE based on you feeling and knowing how self-worth and self-respect feels - and how a person behaves accordingly.
I am so glad you found your strength and courage. That must have been very hard.
Leave now.
Go out and enjoy yourself. Why are you taking care of him? You should have divorced him long ago !
Give it at least two years before seeing someone.
I have been married also to a abuser however, mine is verbally. I would suggest if I may, to think things out clearly. You have every right to happiness. Have a date, but get to know yourself first. Therapy is essential. It will provide you a opportunity to be clear minded of your decision for yourself. Take care
1. Do not open the door with the new guy until you are happy with yourself first and healing from abuse otherwise the new guy could abuse you and you will take it,
2. Divorce your husband/cease any and all contact with him because you deserve better,
3. Stop caring for your ex and let his family care for him or else he becomes the state's problem. He is no longer your problem,
4. Invest in some great therapy and heal yourself before taking on any new relationship to avoid being abused any longer,
5. If you decide to still care for your ex, put your foot down and demand he is nice to you or else (fill in the blank),
6. Make a decision and stick to it. Do not waver. Be strong, be fierce! You can do it,
7. Get close to God. Let God be your guide,
8. Learn to love yourself as you love God. You are your best friend!
Edited to add: you owe this controlling abusive man nothing. Move out, move away, divorce. I would not look for help for him or AL or NH or any other care. Do NOT keep on caring for this man. TAKE care of YOU, NOW.
may Love and light guide you to happiness.
That is BS. Total victim blaming and obviously nobody ever beat the crap out of you.
This messed up attitude is what makes getting out so hard. Because people like YOU blame the abused for what a sick, cowardly, POS did to them.
A survivor of abuse doesn't have any guilt or shame for their actions. When you are in survival mode, you just survive.
You should think about your shame and guilt for saying something so ignorant and unhelpful.
I do think you should consider spending some time with the "wonderful man", as if he is as wonderful as he seems, the experience could be uplifting, could help restore your confidence, and help you move forward past and out of the dilemma you now feel.
I also don't understand why your conscience fells you that you "can't see this nice man." To me, that's reflective of the emotions and whatever kept you in the abusive relationship.
You need to self validate that you're worthy of being treated respect, develop a plan and go for it.
I say go with the nice man who asked you out. Why not? Life is short and everyone deserves a measure of happiness at some point in their life.
Do you really in your heart of hearts believe that God will have a problem with you having a bit of joy in life? Don't be a martyr. Being married for 42 years means you're not a young woman. If you're getting a chance at romance and happiness at your time of life, you should consider it a gift from God. Not something worthy of punishment.
Put your husband with Alzheimer's (who should have been your ex-husband a long time ago) in a nursing home then go and have some happiness with whatever good years you have left. Screw anybody who has something to say. It's your life and you deserve to have some happiness.