It has been a while now since my mother passed from Alzheimer's.
I remember the hardest things for me was not that she suffered Alzheimer's but rather confronting my own awareness that I didnt wish to care for her, and that this was due to the abusive childhood I suffered and estranged adult relationship. There just wasnt a relationship there. It was painful to confront those bad memories and the realisation that I didnt really have a family, which was something I did not really think much of or often as it had been pushed aside in my mind. There was lots of pressure from other wider network family members who seemed shocked that I didnt adhere to the requests to caregiving time or money. I ended up providing some care, although it was more once every couple of weeks. And didnt provide any money. People were judgmental but they didnt know the reasons and rather saw it through their own lived family experience rather than mine. When she passed I didnt feel sad. Rather, I was relieved that her suffering was at an end. I didnt really feel like I had lost a mother as I never really thought much of having had one. Has anyone else had this kind of experience?
If anything , you did it right , you did it right by setting boundaries and limiting the time you spent with your mother .
Those others had no right to expect you to do more .
As you said , your mother’s end of life has brought up issues regarding your upbringing . I recommend speaking to a therapist .
Again, you did it right rather than allowing yourself to be sucked into a situation you should not have been forced to do , nor were you comfortable with. Like you said others did not understand because their experience was different .
And yes , many of us with abusive parents like you did not set good enough boundaries like you did due to the pressure and being judged by others and sufferered for it .
Everything you are feeling is perfectly normal , including feeling relieved .
You’ve got this.