Well, after 2+ years of living with my bro and sis in law, who have been so helpful and loving and caring, dad has reached the point that they can no longer handle him. He has multiple medical problems, stage 4 liver failure, type 2 diabetes, COPD and Conjestive Heart Failure and has recently (three weeks) had a pace maker put in. This last week he was admitted to the hospital all swollen up with fluid and they put in a cath, which the Dr at the hospital seems to think he's going to need to wear the rest of his life (he's 87). He did have a bad UTI and after a day in the hospital on antibiotics he was once again in his right mind and feeling good. That was the day before yesterday. Today he came home and my brother called me tonight telling me he's totally out of it, hallucinating, yelling at my bro and sis, not keeping his Oxygen on, pulling on his cath... Long story short, they say that this has been coming on for weeks... that my brother can't help as he's working all the time and my 90 pound sis in law is having trouble managing him and is having health problems herself from the stress and her own issues. The Dr. at the hospital said he thought it was time we seriously consider a nursing home for him where he can get around the clock care. After a family pow wow tonight it was agreed that it's time, and that the best facility for this is near where I live. So Saturday my brother is going to try to bring my dad to me (about a 7 hour drive) if there is room for him at the local rehab/nursing home facility here where I live. He will be a private pay patient and I'm hoping we can get him into a private room...if not right away, then soon. I just know this is going to break his heart if he's in his right mind at the time. Any suggestions anyone?
I just think it is funny because she says that they are all kookoo in the head, and this is after she told me to close the window so the cat wouldn't jump out! Oh yea, the cat isn't real!
There is a difference between a "Nursing Home" and Assisted Living. Would he qualify for Assisted Living right now? That also may make him feel less of an "invalid" and more able to do things himself.
It's just that so many people have a skewed idea of a "nursing home" where you are taken out of bed in the morning put in a wheel chair pushed to breakfast then parked in the hall until lunch. VS a place where you have the opportunity to have breakfast when you want then do some activities before lunch, maybe go on a day trip.....
Maybe he will be happier if you tell him "you are going to be moved so you will be closer me".
In any case it sounds like the move is for the best, he will get more professional care that it sounds like he needs at this time.
Again contact Hospice and see if he qualifies.
It definitely is a business. It would be a nice gesture if they did at least send a card to the family of the deceased person, but not at all surprised when there is no more contact from the facility when no money is owed.
It's nice you were able to volunteer at the facility your mom was at. You were able to see her as much as you could and help out as well.
You're welcome. It's sad, but true. Profits over people. They try to cut corners anyway they can to make,more money. You know the food must be bad, if the staff order out and/or gets fast food.
I did visit a very nice home today, about 20 minutes from me. No one could tell me, it being the weekend, if there were any openings... but I do hope so.
The close nursing home is not an option. I visited it today also and it's just too dismal and dreary. Staff was low too...68 patients and I only saw 4 staff throughout the whole building? I've two more homes within a half hour drive of me to visit tomorrow. Fingers cross that I find a nice place for him...that will help. I will be spending a lot of time there and I like the idea of volunteering mentioned by 1tired.
One tip that I did learn was that volunteering at the facility is very helpful. You get to see your loved one on a regular basis but also you really get to see how things work there even if you just have time to sit and read to others for an hour a week. I did exactly that at moms place since it was a trip out of town for me and I wanted to spend as much time with her as possible. I pretty much stayed there all day when I went up 1 week at a time. Really helped me to learn the routine and the people that were caring for my mom so that when I called they knew exactly who they were talking to . She was there for a very long time so it was very helpful.
I've researched all the places within a half hour drive of here and I keep coming back to our to local homes. One has a 5 star rating and high praise from local people. Problem there is they have a waiting list of 8 people and no private rooms (which I think will be important to dad). Just in case though, I put dad on the waiting list for that one.
The other local facility is an older facility... I'm heading out there later this afternoon to hit there right before Dinner and try to to talk to some of the residents, staff and, hopefully family of residents. They have a 3 star rating with the state site and other site's I've visited. Locally I've heard good/bad and read good/bad but I'm betting this will be the case with most any such facility. As I said, they are an older facility, but I think my dad might be quite comfortable in an older facility rather then a pretty shiny new place. He's an ole West Virginia hillbilly and would probably be uncomfortable ling in a shiny new hotel type place. He's always lived inexpensively and has a love of "comfy" old furniture and stuff... so this place might be right up his alley.
I'm thinking I'd rather have a 3 star NH that's only 4 miles away where I can visit often then a 4 star somewhere 25 minutes away. In the first I can be there often seeing to it he get's 4 star treatment in the 1st instance.
To think though that such rubbish passes as food for people in need is so disgusting. Vulnerable people need higher levels of care, not to be considered human garbage disposals for old food.
Thanks for sharing your insights; I'm saddened to learn that this could be a major practice.
What you described is quite common, esp with for profits. They could be getting food that is close to or past the expiration or sale by date. Those older folks would not know (or maybe even care). You can bet that the workers don't eat the same food as the residents.
Some of these comments are inadvertently comical. That being said and to your comments, sure the NH will greet the loved one and his/her family with smiles, been there done that. The activities director was all smiles and mentioned, not being Superman (who I now can't stand),and that my mom was in the best place for 24 hour care. Guess what? Mom passed, only reason this NH has contacted me is for amount owed, nothing else. No she was a nice person, sorry for your loss, etc.
I once encountered that.
One thing I learned about rehab and PT is to avoid the physiatrists and therapists who present with a specialty in sports medicine. They're TOO focused on that and not on older people in general. A physiatrist told me there wasn't anything that could be done - Dad was just old. Subsequent therapists proved him wrong, very, very seriously wrong.
When I had PT for my torn rotator cuff, I went to the facility recommended by the then doctor at the time, a rehab facility for which he had worked prior to becoming a hand and arm specialist. It was clear that sports medicine was their top priority; I was even given a punching bag type exercise to do. I countered by moving my arms in balletic positions in another exericise, trying to add some grace to what was otherwise a boring exercise.
One of the therapists commented that I looked as if I was doing ballet. She couldn't understand that ballet is just as much if not more demanding (and certainly more graceful and beautiful) that beating someone (or a punching bag) up like boxers do.
Back to your situation: Regardless of the fact that he's reached a preinjury state, there is always the PREVENTIVE injury issue on which you might be able to get therapy. This is why I suggested finding another doctor, a geriatrician or someone who respects older people and understands that rehab is one of the ways to counter the effect of aging, balance issues, etc. A different justification can be used for the reason for therapy.
And it's to Medicare's advantage to prevent further falls in covered patients.
As to nursing homes, I encountered a situation similar to that Babalou found. I interviewed a rehab place after checking out the stats, was encouraged by one of the residents and his son who highly recommended the facility, got advice from someone who worked there, and brought Dad there.
The first day we knew I'd made a mistake. Staffing ratios weren't standard; at dinner there weren't enough aides to do the work and people waited 1/2 hour to 45 minutes for bathroom assistance. The aides were also responsible for meal delivery and dirty dish pickup.
Attention was just as lack during other times of the day.
My father's chart was lost by the second day; no one could tell me what his INR values were. The nurse I asked even said she didn't know where else to look.
The food was cooked elsewhere and brought in, a few days after it was prepared. I looked at the cod and thought it was a chunk of plaster. Seriously; I'm not exaggerating. I wouldn't have known it was food if it wasn't on a plate. The brownie was hardened enough that it had been sitting out for at least a few days.
Entering on a Monday, by the time I got him out on either Wed. or Thur., (I can't remember which), his PT/iNR values were out of control and as elevated as they were a few years ago when an incompetent primary care doctor prescribed medication which caused hemorrhaging and sent Dad to the ER.
If I had waited another day, Dad might have been in the ER again.
So, yes, do check out the facilities very, very carefully, on off times but especially at busy times such as dinner. Make a checklist, and ask about staffing ratios, day and night.
And don't, don't, DON'T rely on discharge planners. They have lists of facilities, one of which is known as the "death" facility b/c so many patients go in and come out in body bags. It was a discharge planner who recommended a facility for my mother; we had problems from the very beginning.
I remember clearly one lovely 5 star place in Connecticut that we really like for a lot of reasons really stank when we entered. They had all kinds of excuses, so we went back a week later. Same smell. No thanks.
And make sure that each of you gets your own rest. Although it may sound callous, a good meal out would be beneficial for you as well. You'll need the time to recharge.
Given the drastic change in behavior, the fact that he's not keeping his oxygen on, the UTI, he may need a few days in the hospital anyway just to be get stabilized before going to rehab. The 7 hour drive will be tiring, perhaps unsettling, so he may actually be ready for a rest in the hospital with a higher level of support before going into rehab.
I think your family has arrived at what is the best decision although it won't be the most pleasant for your father. Bear in mind that at this point you're making the decisions for him, and although he may not realize it, you're doing what's best for him.
Some of us are in a similar situation, waiting but dreading facing this traumatic situation. Your courage and strength are an inspiration.
Telling him that he needs to go there to get strong is the technique we used to get my mom to accept Independent Living initially. If he's not a total narcissist, would he understand that " sister can't do this anymore"?
Good luck, and I'm sorry your family is going through this.
I even tried copying the text, closing and reopening another question page, but that didn't help either. It still would not let me put in a break.
Though I can do it this response script though...Odd. Anyway, I forgot to say that tomorrow I'm heading to a very highly rated nursing home here where I live and I hope they will be able to take him and help him....