I'm the youngest of 6 kids and the only one around her. She abandonded the other 5 but kept me. I was put in foster several times, but she always got me back. I don't hate her, but I don't feel "love" for her either. I'm only visiting out of guilt and no clue why "I" feel guilty. One other sibling does call her but that's it. She wants me to stay for hours. I myself am disabled and it's only been 2 months, but my health is getting worse. When I told her I'd only visit 1 time per week she had a fit. She won't go to PT or OT, is down to 77 pounds and sits in her room all day but claims she's lonely. I refuse to let her know I feel guilty, but I do. There is no magic number of days or hours to visit, but it's never enough with my mom. Her logic is that since I'm home all day I can stay with her. Her NH is a 24 hour visiting. any tips on how to break it to her that I'll be visiting less?
I hold no amimosity towards being in foster care many times during my childhood. It made me the person I am today and I like me! I only included it to give some background. she was told by my Grandmother that she would die alone & miserable. Nice family eh? I have seen to it that I do visit. Some "me" time is not wrong. 5-6 phone calls a day is insane in addition to 2-3 hour visits daily
with a big family, I'm the only one still around says something. She backstabs the very people she claims to love. I won't get into details, but things I've heard from relatives about me are pretty bad, yet I still go.
I do train service dogs for the disabled. I own 2 service dogs myself, so I can tell her I had to take in a foster to train for a while.
She has no intrests except the telephone. She won't read, crochet, crossword puzzles, nada. They have tried to encourage her to go to classes and group events. I guess if she wants to sit in her room, that's on her. She just there short term to gain weight and mobility. The constant phone calls drive me nuts. I can be down the hallway and my cell rings. I'm getting the number changed today.
thanks again!
Tell Mom that you're starting a class, taking physical therapy or a accepted a part time job - ANYTHING that takes up your time. Tell her you're sorry but it means you can visit only 2 or 3 times a week. Take things to her that will help her fill up her time - crosswords, crochet, magazines, a small TV - Anything you can think of. After you tell her, have your usual visit and then leave. Tell her you'll see her in two days, hug her and then leave.
You'll feel guilty but you'll also feel a sense of relief - you might feel guilt over the sense of relief too but it will pass. I call this a guilt sandwich - guilt/relief/guilt. On your non-visiting day, don't answer her phone calls and do something you REALLY enjoy to distract yourself. Keep this up for at least 3 weeks and be conscientious of your feelings. When you begin to feel guilty talk yourself out of it. Remind yourself of all the good things you've done for your Mom, all the good things you do for your own kids, neighbors and family - they are all just as important. Remind yourself that she's in good hands, she's cared for by people with the training and physical strength to meet her needs.
Best of luck!!