My Mom lives with me & my very supportive partner. My mom was a really great mother, super sweet & caring until my dad passed. I have 1 sister, somehow I became the scapegoat. She is 94 & mostly mean now, she has a lot of memory problems. I get her meds, make her food, take her to all her docs & appts, keep her company & help her in every possible way. I am blamed for everything. She talks smack about me behind my back to my sister. I am by nature an optimist, but the mean talk & blame gets so bad that I am constantly upset. I get that sometimes when someone has dementia they can take it out on their caregiver, but it's out of control. I also resent my sister for not sticking up for me & for not being more involved with the care of my mom. She could easily share the responsibility, but won't.
I think it makes it worse, because I remember how sweet my mom used to be & I don't know this mean person who took over her body. If I stand up for myself & say something like “ you hurt my feelings when you talk about me like that” she will go into hysterics & say I am causing her to feel ill or will lock her door & then blame it all on me to my sister. I find myself dreading to be with her & then feel guilty. It's very sad & I'm unsure of how to handle it?
I would also read her current medicine information for side effects and interactions. (Once my mom was severely over medicated and it affected her personality). (Don’t attempt weaning her off medication without the advice and supervision of a doctor because many medications may need to be tapered).
After my dad passed away, my mom became so low that she needed a geriatric psychiatrist. She was prescribed a low dose of an antidepressant, but I think it was her talks with the psychiatrist that helped her the most.
This is a very tough time for her.
This is also a very tough time for you.
Take care of yourself. It may have been your mom who always helped you when you were down and now she can’t and you may feel abandoned by that person (in her) that you miss. You may even feel a little resentful that the sweet mom seems to have vanished.
Look for those good days (and hours) and try to replicate them. What made her happy?
I used to find that music was powerful in improving my Mom’s moods. The music of her youth would get her singing and smiling. Old movies might have a similar effect. Going places (even on a drive) would take her out of a funk. Activities and crafts (like pottery painting) were therapeutic. She loved playing with her dog so a new toy or treat helped also.
Breaks from your mom will help you both (and she will appreciate you more). If your mom needs 24/7 care and your sister won’t step in, hire someone, if even for a few hours a week. When you are free, don’t do errands, do something for yourself that makes you feel better.
At least your sister is communicating with your mom- that is good. My siblings stopped and they made my mom sad also.
You mentioned you have a supportive partner. That is wonderful! Focus some time and attention on the people that are getting you through these hard days. .