My mom is 94 years old. She has severe memory loss, but does not have dementia. She is living in an independent care facility, but will not socialize nor even eat in the dining room. As she is a late sleeper, we give her bread and eggs to cook. Otherwise, we told her she must go down for dinner. She has not gone down for dinner for at least a year. She is losing weight. My sister, brother, and I each visit her once a week. She caught Covid and has stayed with me since New Year’s. She is cognitively better, but still does nothing for herself. She has nothing wrong with her, but does need to walk with a cane or walker. What should I do? Should I let her starve herself? Should I keep her with me? I’m retired but have a mild case of Parkinson’s. My husband is also retired. Please help! Thanks a million!
I agree that the stress of caring for Mom could worsen
your Parkinsons. Your Mom will never be 100%. And Dementia worsens. If you feel she would be better with you for now, do it. But please have the mindset if this does not work, the stress gets worse or she passes your ability to care for her, you will place her in a MC facility.
questions from Wheel of Fortune and Jeopardy! Out of 3 children, I am the oldest and have the most patience. She has had dementia, not alzheimer's for at least 6 years. Physically, according to her physician, she has nothing wrong except for high blood pressure, which she has been taking meds for since the age of forty. She could live to be over 100. Hospice would not be appropriate for now.
That being said, when you ask your mom why she doesn't go to the dining room, what does she say? Maybe she loses track of time and forgets? Does a staff person check to see why she's not coming? If so, what does she say? (My mom had to let them know if she wasn't coming for dinner) Does she say she doesn't like the food? Is she eating while staying with you? You said she is doing nothing for herself. Did she take care of herself at IL...shower, dress, brush teeth?
Only you can make this decision. If you discuss this with your mom, what does she say? Maybe you can take her to see her PCP for their thoughts. I'm happy that I was in a position to care for my elderly mom in her final years. She was sweet and I am in good health. I hired an aide and got Meal on Wheels.
With your medical condition you are not in a great position to take this on.
As others have said your mom does have dementia. It may not have been formerly diagnosed as such, or maybe it has been and she has not told you. (If you are not at each of her doctor appointments and sitting with her you might not have been informed)
Mom should be moved into Assisted Living or Memory Care.
Either will have staff that will encourage mom to become more active and participatory but Memory Care will do more to encourage her.
Neither can "force" her to join in but MC may encourage her to at least sit with the group.
Side note...PLEASE take this time to do things with your husband that you have talked about that you might not be able to do in 2, 3, 5 years.
Another side note..."Failure to Thrive is an actual diagnosis and may be an indication that she might be eligible for Hospice. I think you need to have a good honest talk with her doctor and get a real diagnosis.
Regardless , whatever is going on , Mom needs help that you don’t seem to be equipped to handle , considering your thinking of letting her starve to death instead of having her placed in the appropriate level of care .
Mom belongs in assisted living , probably memory care , where they will make sure she goes to the dining room .
Your mother should go back, but to a memory care unit. The staff there will come and get any resident who doesn't show up on their own for any meal, and encourage them to eat, helping if necessary. They will also bring them to the activities, and gently encourage their participation. The activities include some exercise, including seated exercise for those with mobility issues, and one-on-one physical and occupational therapy will be offered.
My ex's mom has severe short term memory loss and self neglect; all 4 of her kids, including my ex, told me "but she doesn't have dementia".
Until one of them gained access to her patient portal and discovered that she's been dxed with Alzheimer's 4 years ago.
With Parkinson's yourself, it doesn't sound like you have the capacity to give her the care she needs and deserves.
As we age, not everything can be fixed, and not everything can be "the best". Sometimes, "good enough" needs to do.
Either that or take her into your home, but ditch the denial that nothing is wrong with her. She needs care and regular meals every day.
Good luck to you.
Your mom does have dementia though you prefer to call it "severe memory loss" which I don't personally understand as being in denial about it won't help anyone and will only hurt your mom.
Then you say that there's nothing wrong with your mom yet she doesn't do anything for herself, she refuses to eat or go to dinner, she walks with a cane or walker, and doesn't socialize when at her facility.
To me that sounds like a lot is wrong with your mom, as what you've described are all symptoms of dementia. And dementia only gets worse never better. And the fact that you also now have health issues, is a clear indication that you'd be biting off WAY more than you can chew if you were to allow your mom to move in with you. The stress of it alone would make your "mild case of Parkinson's" a severe case of it.
Your mom is obviously no longer "independent" so instead of moving her back to her previous facility it's time to move her into an assisted living facility or even memory care, where she will be looked after better and will be brought to the dining room to eat 3 meals a day or at least 2 if she sleeps through breakfast.
You now have to do not only what is best for your mom but what is best for you and your health as well.
I wish you the the very best in finding the right facility for your mom.
If mom needs to walk with a cane or walker, of course she DOES have something physically wrong with her as well.
Please get your head out of the sand and admit mom's true condition. Consult with hospice about her readiness for hospice or palliative care. Follow their guidelines about where she should live now, but don't let her permanently live with you! That's a setup that you'll ultimately regret, and with a "mild case" of Parkinson's, you have your own ongoing health issues to tend to.
I hope you find the best solution for all of you.
I am 82. Aging is way wrong.
She is ahead of me by some years and I can't imagine. I remember my Dad at her age, who was such a grateful, gentle, kind, satisfied guy, saying he had had a wonderful life but was simply now SO exhausted. He told me he so longed for the last long nap.
My answer to you is that yes, you get palliative care, you allow her to eat and sleep when she wishes. She has already lost so many things. Hair, hearing, eyes, stamina, mobility, agility, stability, home, ability to make own decisions. She has had her life. She is at the end and there is very little left.
My advice as an 82 year old, as a long retired RN? Let mom, to the best of your ability, do, eat, think, say, weigh WHATEVER SHE WANTS. Give her the few choices she has left to her. Hope that she passes without further loss upon loss that she must endure like some unending torture while you must stand witness to it.
There aren't good answers to everything in life. And for aging there are few good ones to be certain. I wish her the very best, and you as well!
Finally, as to your question. Whether to take her into your home. You already did.
So what discussion has there been with her about her return to care.
Mom isn't going to get better. Nor are YOU. CAN you do this? That's worth considering. Do you WANT to do this? I think you need to consider that as well, for we here have seen some pass before their elders. This is a decision only YOU can make.
I couldn't do it. But perhaps you can and perhaps you wish to.
It all depends on what you want to do but the fact that you have mild Parkinson's is going to limit the amount of care you give your mom. My dad is in a care facility as well and it was long hard road to get him there. He has many physical limitations/medical issues. I do not know about the process for getting your mom into her facility but it was a long process for me. If it was the same for you, I would think long and hard about keeping her because she may get to the point where her health declines rapidly and needs to go back. Also, at first my dad did not want to go to the dining hall but he enjoys doing so now. He does get tired of the food so when I visit or some of his friends, we take his favorites. The residents can also send money with the Social Worker when she goes out and she will bring them back what they want. Does the facility do outings? This ,may help as well. Best of luck to you.
You can't order a 94 year old woman around, either. She isn't going to starve.
Bring her favorite foods when you all visit her, if so worried about her weight. She could be sick of the same food, or bored.