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I had to bring mom down from NJ to FL. I was supposed to drive her car from NJ to the auto-train. She changed everything so she could stop off and see her niece in MD. Non stop abuse. We were five minutes from her house when mom started screaming at me about a bar of soap I put back on a counter so she could pack it. No, I should have put it in her hand. I had dinner with the cousins and went to bed immediately after dinner foregoing some nice time with my cousin and her kids I had never met before. The next day she drove to the train and I just sat there for 3 hours being demeaned. The train was 4 hours late getting into Sanford station. She let me drive. I connected the phone, music and waze to her stereo. She turned the volume way down and launched Waze on her phone so I couldn't hear the directions on the audio system. According to her my phone wasn't working (because she sabotaged it). I asked her to turn off waze on her phone and she wouldn't. I drove for 2 hours with her gasping, grabbing the door handles, and telling me that I was missing what waze was saying (again she turned the volume off). After 2 hours of her front-seat/back-seat Waze reporting behavior I had it. I put on headphones and let her drive. Never, Never again will I drive her car south with her in it. If she wants to fine!!!! I just hope she doesn't kill anyone (let alone herself). What do you do when trapped by an abuser?

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Why do you subject yourself to her?

Walk away. She can only abuse you if you allow it.

Are you dependent upon her in some way? Are you her guardian?

If neither of those applies, you simply stop showing up and block her calls.
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She's a monster. Protect yourself. Spawning children does NOT give you carte blanche to just abuse them. Screw that!

***you said: No I am on disability and she is my representative payee. (I've had adhd, bipolar, dyslecxia, GAD, just bad wiring). She is starting to mess up my accounts and my family is ready to put that in professional hands.

This is another form of abuse! And sweetie, i bet you dollars to donuts that some of your 'bad wiring' is a result of years of manipulation and abuse.
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I am glad to hear that you are looking into getting someone else to handle your financial accounts: I have always been told by many people that family should not manage your finances/be a representative payee. It deteriorates the relationship with family.

I will say some prayers for you: I had an abusive parent and it's not easy to cope with.
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Deep breath. Now, find a therapist to help you set boundaries with your mom. Next, have someone else assigned as your representative payee. Keep taking deep breaths. Next time your mom needs help tell her today isn't convenient but that you'll stop by tomorrow, then hang up the phone before the abuse starts. Talk to your family and tell them you cannot allow her abuse. Do not stay in her presence when she starts abusing you. Do not answer her calls. Keep breathing. You can get through this with help.
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Barb is right walk away. I come from a truly dysfunctional family. Best move I ever made was moving 1300 miles away from them. My mom moved to where I lived at the very end of her life. It was okay. My brother wasn’t with her.
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So stop.

Tomorrow morning call the social security administration and ask them how you get a representative payee that WILL keep your best interests in mind and NOT cause you damage because they are not doing their fudiciary responsibility.

When all of the nonsense started with my dad, 2016, I was told by SSA that I could hire a professional rep payee for my dad and it was 35.00 monthly for them to handle his finances.

I am sorry that your mom doesn't have any regard for anyone besides herself, so common amongst senior citizens it seems.

Let her pitch a fit and rant and rave, NO! is a complete sentence and you are not her personal slave. Sabotage the technical stuff mom, you can call a professional and pay them for the services that you have been receiving from me for free, or you can pay me and schedule a time, no more jumping.

One thing that you may be facing is that she could be developing dementia and truly doesn't have the capacity to be anything other than what she is. She is pretty old and could be struggling with her own abilities.

I think that boundaries and separation of mom and money is in your future so that you can not feel endangered by telling her no.

I can understand being trapped in a vehicle with abuse. I drove from Boise, ID to Las Vegas, NV in 10 hours because I was going to explode dealing with my dads crap. I could have killed us, but I didn't even care at the time. I thought that I would be happier dead then to hear one more nasty hateful word from his mouth. Which driving in excess of 95 mph, he was scared silent, so it worked. I wouldn't endanger us again, but I truly didn't care at that point.

Protect your wellbeing, you matter.
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Is your mother moving down to FL to live with you? (If so, WHY?!?!)
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Hobbitt97 Nov 2019
No, oh hell no. I have an apartment 2 miles away. I am there almost everyday unscrewing what she has done to a variety of electronics, computers, etc. (I used to do tech support and am very savvy)..It almost seems she sabotages her computer on purpose, (I wouldn't be surprised if she is) She's angry if I don't have time to come over or log into her computer immediately. No I am on disability and she is my representative payee. (I've had adhd, bipolar, dyslecxia, GAD, just bad wiring). She is starting to mess up my accounts and my family is ready to put that in professional hands. The drive down trip was supposed to be the day before. She changed it all so she could see my cousins despite having to work a part-time midnight shift the day of the train. She told no one of the change in plans. Initially she was supposed to fly down and I was going to drive. Just a total disaster. I actually hate her and wanted to sign myself into a mental health center as an inpatient. I am done. I can't take this anymore.
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Geeeeez,

This situation sounds impossible. Impossible to deal with! Honestly, I don’t know how you didn’t have a nervous break down or a heart attack!

I don’t blame you for feeling as you do. I think this forum would have had to tell me to shut up because I probably would have wanted to vent for at least 10 pages.

You deserve better and you know it. I feel your pain. Take a break. A long break! Don’t step back into the fire. You’ve been through enough hell.

Hugs! 💗
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Hobbitt, I feel for you. I can barely stand being in the car for 15 minutes to take her to an appointment!!! My son takes her out once it twice a month for dinner and she tells him to stop at the convenient store to play scratch off tickets. Whenever he says no and keeps driving he said he's afraid she's going to start hitting him!! She's 95 years old but I don't put anything past her. I feel your pain!!
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When I had to drive with my dad, and he was driving, I would just pretend I fell asleep, so I didnt have to hear him complain about the drivers near us. It worked.

I tried doing that when he was complaining about my driving :-/ (kidding)

One time he was pointing in a direction, so I followed his finger right up and over a bump in the road. It was some kind of marker. As we drove over the bump, he winced in pain. then he told me, "don't go over those, it hurts." I'm pretty sure I would have avoided it, had he not pointed at it....

Dad, I miss You.
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Hobbitt97 Nov 2019
My brother tried speaking to her. He doesn't take her crap for a minute. She started telling him about my dad who's been gone 15 years (he couldn't wait to die and get away from her) and how he treated her. She also told my brother that I love(d) him more than her and she is pissed off about it. My dad would step in the line of fire from her and protect me. My dad would say "I'm not your friend, I'm your father." He was the best person I ever met and loved me unconditionally and totally. One time when he was driving (with written directions) he missed an exit. She screamed out, "HERE MAX NOW!!!!" he swerved over 2 lanes and hit the car to the right of him. Six months ago I had her in the car and had to cross the railroad tracks. The moment I was on the tracks she started screaming at me. I stopped and started looking around to see what I hit. It turned out that the gates had started coming down as I was crossing them. If it had been the Bright Line train I wouldn't be typing this. My family almost flew me home from MD. She doesn't think she is doing anything wrong.
After working a midnight shift (after taking the auto train the night before) and having no sleep I had to go to an Unveiling ceremony (done 6 months after a Jewish funeral to reveal the tombstone to the family). After the ceremony I just looked her and started crying and told her "You hurt me very badly". Her response, "what did I do now?" I got in my car and went home.
The next day she wanted to know why. My brother got nowhere with her about what she does to me. She just turned the crap around to blame it on my dad and my relationship with him. I just told her it was the accumulation of no sleep and arguing with her all week and that I just wanted to put it behind me.
I see my therapist on Tuesday. I was fine before she got here while she was up in NJ for 6 months. I dread her being here.
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