I would need pages and pages to describe the nature of my mum. She is the most difficult person to deal with. Extremely negative, manipulative, and stubborn. Since dad died 5 years ago, I have been supporting her in her home 50 miles away. She has made it clear that she believes that her children should take her in. They owe it to her. I work full time and so does my husband. We still have on child in college. At least a decade ago, I pleaded with my parents to move closer to me. We offered an addition (paid for by them) to our home. My sibling offered his home as well. mom would not do it. She said it would make her feel "unwelcome" to be made to live in an "addition", she just wants to move into our home. Anyway, I have enough horror stories to fill a book. Suffice it to say, my husband does not under any circumstance want my mother in our home. I feel the same way but feel like I would feel less guilt if I offered a trial to prove to her that it just won't work out. What do you all think?
I am caring for my mother and gave done for over 10 years. But she has always been a loving person and this hardship was one I was not resistant to taking on.
After my mother passes, I am considering being a dementia care consultant to help others in similar straits. The more I read here, the more I think we all need more help.
As difficult as she is at a distance she will be more so close.
If she has always been difficult she will only get more so.
She does not want to live in an addition...
She did not want to move in with another of her children....
Who will be the one to say "this trial did not work out" and now you have to find another place.
You KNOW no place you tour will be good enough.
At this point tell her you CAN NOT have her move in as you have family obligations that would make it impossible.
You can offer to help her find someplace near where she is now or closer to where you live. those would be the ONLY 2 options she should be given.
She may be surprised that she might like community living...think of all the other people that she can commiserate with that have been "dumped", "ignored", "abandoned" by their families! They could have a gripe fest every morning over coffee. And if she decides on a place close to you you can visit and she will then be able to brag that at least her family comes to visit....
Really, if the husband says no, the answer is no. He is more important in his house than your mother is. It is your and his home.
re bullying.
If she is insisting dont give in. Tell her your not discussing subject any more. You will help her find a place closer. No she will never settle on one.
Find a place assisted living offers graduated care good idea. Does she qualify for senior housing put her on list. I suggest you and sibling arrange POA and
surrogate for her now subject
prior to her relocating .
Think how tough cookie will be
later.
Find a place find two be blunt she has her choice one or other. Yes take your visit to once a month that is her third choice to stay where she is.
Stick to your guns.
I would try find a place that eventually will use her medicalfor payments is
assocated with skilled care that way when that decision ready to
Think how tough cookie is going to be later made arrangements now. While shes willing to
Finally, I got a lot of therapy and was able to just tell her, NO. The first time it took 3 weeks, so don't get discouraged, just keep trying.
Some thoughts. You have already told her she can't move in. If she is on the phone and even starts to talk about it, just say, "Love you mom, I have to go, bye" and hang up. Don't try to reason with her, don't try to explain, you have already been down that street.
I love the idea on the meds about calling a cab. I would put $25.00 in correct change for mom to call a cab and go to the store. I even wrote on the envelope how much to give the cab driver. She wouldn't use a cab. So, she had to wait for me to come on my weekly visit.
When she would start on something I didn't want to hear, I would just say, "I have to go out for a minute" and leave. One day, she said very sarcastic, "Oh, you DON'T want to HEAR THAT". I said "YEP".
It takes time, keep on keeping on. You didn't get the guilt over night, you won't get over it overnight. Do as you are doing. Read the posts from these wonderful people who know what they are talking about. Don't listen to her. Hang Up. If she calls back, don't answer.
Hugs to you and to your husband.
I also said if we took her home then there would be mom plus my husband & I in hospital in a short time - we turned down 24/7 care to keep our sanity - we must honour our parents but not kowtow to their unreasonable demands or ideas that are out of date - it used to be that nursing homes were for those without loved ones who care but the improvements are such that loved ones are safer there than with family
Mom was much worse than we thought according to the tests [I stood outside while one was administered] - a former artist couldn't draw a clock at 2:40 -
I miss my Mom as the person inhabiting her body is not the same I grew up with however she still has enough mind to carry a conversation for a bit - enjoy the memories of the old 'mom' while you deal with the new inhabitant of her body - sort old photos helps trigger my memories of 'old mom' that helps to keep things in perspective
My mom had a fall that broke C2 vertebrae which gave her concussion & swelling went into her brain - now in wheelchair - this is not of her choice nor any person in family but we can't go back in time to correct mistakes that happened - we just have to deal with our 'hand as it was dealt'
DO NOT TAKE A PARENT INTO YOUR HOME IF YOUR CIRCOMSTANCES WILL NOT SUPPORT IT LONG TERM - if you get backed in corner then never allow then to use your address as theirs even if you need to rent & pay for a mail box so they have a different address which will prevent much of what prior people said because with a different mailing address you can evict them at any time as they are guests not tennants - say that is for them to keep some independence from you but it will really be the opposite - good luck we all feel for you - from those who have been there & done that ....kudooos to all above who said it so well
I can't believe your story. I have experience with special needs families and I know how hard you must work with your son. Your mom should have NEVER considered asking to come live with you. That is ridiculous. Thank God you stood strong. And I will definitely heed your words. I know that I would be a slave to my mom and to my house. My husband and I have sacrificed for so long providing our children with private educations. Seriously, we could have bought a yacht with all the tuition we have paid since preschool. But now, when we can breath a little, not have copious amounts of debt added to our already burdensome debt, we have my mom and his that are constantly demanding our time and attentions. It's not so bad with his mom who is AL. She still has doctors appointments and other care needs but at least she is taken care of 24/7 at the AL. It's the "you owe me" attitude that really gets to me. Why? They sacrificed for us, they provided for us? Yep. And we did the same for our children.