My mom recently had a stroke that thankfully was not the worst, but was not the best either. She told her PT that if she won't be able to drive again she wants to kill herself (seems dramatic but she's used to being 100% independent). Her depression is not doing well despite being on medication. Another issue, is her cognition seems to be in a random decline. She was more coherent before even though her speech is much better she says some things that make absolutely no sense sometimes. Has anyone else seen this? We're trying to get her to see a neurologist, but the closest one I got is about a month away. She's getting fitted for Prism glasses in a little over a week as the double vision has severely impacted her ability to progress with OT and PT.
I quit my job (decent pay, but management was terrible anyway) and moved back temporarily with her, but we are both not rich by any means. I am her ONLY family member. Everyone else is a family friend with their own problems although some have offered to help here and there (I don't hold my breath on that). Her pension/SS/life savings makes her not qualify for medicaid which takes months and months anyway even if we did find some loopholes. She never took out supplementary insurance for medicare and has no life insurance. I rescheduled my vacation from next week to August. But now we're faced with the task of making a plan for her while I'm away and also preparing for me to return to my out of state apartment and get a job again after I return from my trip. She can't afford to help support me after I move away and hire someone so I need to work and I can't depend on getting a flexible decent paying remote position as I'm still considered entry/mid level (5 years of office/admin/HR type work) and have no degree. She can go to the bathroom alone with the walker now, but she has balance issues from dizziness so showering is a challenge and requires supervision. I feel guilty for leaving her, but I'm not much emotional help to her regardless. She already cries almost every day about how she feels bad for dragging me into this so staying here indefinitely isn't going to make her feel better.
What do people like me do when they're young and kinda broke but no one else can help? I am willing to come back as many times as I can to visit, but I already feel drained and unable to help her after only a month of living with her full-time and I need a break.
I didn’t see this mentioned anywhere.....if your mom is now considered disabled because of her stroke, she may be eligible for Medicaid and other social services. Your profile says you are in NY-is mom there too? If yes then the medicaid income and asset limits there much higher than most other states. Now you say upur
mother has a life savings? To put it bluntly, she’ll need to use that money for her care. If she requires a caregiver, she can use that money to hire one. She could also use it to make modifications to her home (assuming she owns one) to make it safer and more accessible to her.
I think it would be a good idea to your local social services/department of health & human services or whatever it is called in your mother’s state. They will have social workers and eligibility workers that can help you navigate this and determine what services are available for your mom.
If she ends up again with a stroke and is in hospital, talk with social services. If they suggest your mom transitions in a nursing home for 90 days - take it. Social services may pay for it, and get her into physical therapy and the right medications.
Get your ducks in a row. GET POA FOR HEALTH AND WEALTH. GET that living trsut done now. Get your name on all her accounts since you are the only family she has. Obviously you are not the type to take her to the "cleaners".
If you can, try to move in with her, or as close as you can. I was thinking if you move in with her, some family members get paid by the state? I would check, I am not sure how that works.
If you move in with her, maybe you can get some online courses to get a degree, and stay with mom.
Is there an adult day care she can go to, so se can socialize? Any kind of adult program?
Is there any job you can do from home in your mom's area or in your area and move mom closer to you?
Have you asked the doctor about palliative care ? Sometimes they will evaluate the patient in home and then determine if she is a candidate for in-home visitations.
What is her prognosis? Is there anything that she can be doing to improve her health? Have you checked into all the alternatives for improving her quality of life, ie food, supplements, exercise? Modern medicine can only do so much.
Does your mom expect you to stay and continue to care for her indefinitely? If yes, can I suggest that you find a social worker that can help her see that she can not put you in that position. You can be her advocate, but I don't think you should be her long term caregiver, it is an unfair expectation and needs to be nipped in the bud. You are to young to be asked to give up your life so she doesn't have to do anything she doesn't want to.
If you feel more comfortable being closer to her, then she needs to be moved closer to where you want to live. Check into facilities and what it would require to get her closer to you.
Mostly, please don't feel guilty for wanting to live your life. You didn't do this to her and you can't be expected to give up your life because this happened. She has a new reality and she will have to be the one to come to terms with it. Lots of people live with the after effects of stroke and they are happy, productive people, it's about attitude. Encourage her to make every effort to get better and to work with what she has.
Hugs! This must be such a challenge for both of you.
Blessings to you and your mom.
Medicaid regulations are somewhat different in each state but all require that a recepient be medically and financial qualified.
Dont assume she isn’t qualified.
You could start with the Area Agency on Aging for her County to determine which services she qualifies for.
Many caregivers do so long distance. The trick is to manage her care, nor try to give hands on care.
Others will be along to offer more specific suggestions.
I want you to know we have your back and we have you in our heart. Stay with us.