I have a double whammy of a situation with my mother, and hoping for advice on one or both counts (I mean, there are tons of issues in dealing with her as I'm sure you all can relate to, but these are the most pressing). Sorry if I'm repeating myself a bit from my previous post.
Anyway, my mother has LBD and possibly Alzheimers, probably mid-stage. She is described by some as "lucid" she can chat and much of it seems central, at least at first, but her stories go off on tangents and converge in ways that don't make sense. She's also paranoid and delusional.
With all that said, she's in rehab after a fall and, whether for mental or physical reasons or both, she's become bed bound. I'm moving her to AL (yes, they can handle such a patient; same licensing as a nursing home) but she just keeps saying she doesn't want to go, doesn't want anything anymore, basically just wants to be left to die.
Her refusal about the AL isn't actually about the facility: she hasn't been there and I haven't told her much cause she'd find a reason to shoot it down and it's a super nice place. I think it's clinging to independence. She does know she can no longer be at home but then says "I don't want to be wheeled around in a wheelchair" and that type of counter-response pretty much happens with whatever I say. So, if you've already been patient enough to read through my babbling post, here are my questions:
1-What can I say when she says she "just wants to go to the cemetery;" or, "I can't do this anymore"? I know I can't give her the motivation to live, that has to come from within, but any ideas for another approach? Note, mentioning stuff she might have to look forward to or saying to stay alive for family doesn't work.
2-How do you get a person who's opposed to doing anything, and who's distrusting, to go along with what's best for them?
Thanks!
He was so early "probable" stage, and diagnosed by symptoms of balance difficulties, loss of taste, hallucinations esp at night (they were quite amazing). He could have stayed in this last community, his last home if he had been a bit savvy with computers, able to use a smart phone and call for grocery deliveries (as he could not drive anymore). But he chose ALF so as not to be dependent on others.
You are being met with a sort of threat. It is "I will say I wish I was dead if you insist I do something I don't want to". So the best move forward is just as you said. She recognizes that she can't be home. This is the option. You tell her that this is the only option now. That you two will discuss it all as you go along. That much of whether she negotiates the world from the throne of a wheelchair or through walking will be her choice and how hard she wants to work. That you wish you were the fairy with the great wand, but unfortunately you are a daughter who ran out of "fix it" tools. This is where you both are. Now you both can make the best of it or the worst of it, and I would make it just about that honest. Tell her you will be there for her, you will figure this out day by day as you go.
I sure am sorry. I sure do know what you are going through and I am eternally thankful that my brother made the decision for himself. I was his POA. Eventually it would have come to disaster and the move to ALF anyway. So much easier with him being so willing. Don't pick up all her luggage. YOUR TIME WILL COME. Let her know that. You would change this if you could. But you can't. And you are sorry. And it won't always be happy or easy.
My heart goes out to you. Hope for updates.
Acknowledge her reality and her feelings. Give her your compassion and say, "You're right: aging is hard. Having LBD is hard. But I'm here to help you and we'll work together to make it as good as possible because that's as much as we can do." Then redirect the conversation to something light and positive.
How do you get a person who's opposed to doing anything, and who's distrusting, to go along with what's best for them?
You can't wait for buy-in because it's exhausting and won't happen, and even if it did happen, they'll forget they agreed and it's Groundhogs Day tomorrow. Maybe consider meds for her anxiety and mood, if she isn't already on such. You have the moral authority to use "therapeutic fibs" to move things forward in her best interests. You can tell her that the move to AL is actually another part of her rehab, or that there's a problem with the house (gas leak, infestion, black mold) and that she's going to a temporary apartment until it's safe to go back home. Once she's more acclimated and if she continues to want out, you then tell her that her doctor says she can go home when she's able to do all her ADLs by herself (i.e. without your help because you are now retired as a full-time caregiver). Then redirect the conversation. Keep redirecting. You get the idea.
Wishing you much wisdom and peace in your heart as you travel together on this journey!