Caring for my mother is in itself stressful. My sister is a co-caregiver who stresses me out as well. Often when I leave there to return home, my nerves are frazzled. After a three week gig of 24/7 I have finally returned home. I live alone so it is very quiet and peaceful, particularly on a Sunday afternoon. I'm now feeling as though I don't want to go back, even for the holidays which would break my mother's heart. Has anyone else ever found themselves in a similar situation? How did you deal with it?
My mother loves and encourages chaos. I help her out at certain pivotal points but do not live there. No way will I go there Christmas day. She'll have her noisy pack of hangers-on and users. I am staying home.
Maybe you can find a way to reduce your time at your mom's by hiring help or letting her be alone more. These old people aren't babies--do they all really need constant company to survive? If they are so helpless then they should be in nursing homes. Don't give up more of your life than you really want to--you can't get it back.
I feel that the most realistic answer is, enjoy the blessing of being able to go back to your home, to your quiet and peaceful place, and also value the blessing of being able to participate in the care of your mother, even if it stresses you out; we, all caregivers, experience that and can relate. Try to work on yourself, as to how to “block the chaos”. It is very hard, but possible. When you are with your mom focus on what needs to be done and to have quality time with your mother. Avoid confrontation with your sister because at the end of the day, you both are trying to do your best. This journey is tough for everyone, including for those that don’t participate!! I would think so, because most of them would have to deal with guilt at some point...or with karma!
Concentrate on what you do, more that on what others do or don’t do. It’s the best way to make this journey more manageable. And I mean what I say about being able to go back to your place where you can enjoy solitude and calmness. Many caregivers don’t have that luxury. Make the best out of your time alone! Do what you want, do things that feed your soul! which includes doing nothing at all.
And I wouldn’t miss Christmas with your mom! Remember Christmas is an specially great time to make memories that you will cherish forever. Remember you will go home afterwards but you’ll have made your mom happy even if with a little sacrifice. Try to make the best out of it!
Good luck Salutem!!
Salutem, I'm not implying this is your situation. You are doing a tough job the best possible way. It just creates stress on stress dealing with our aging parents who won't let their children hire outside help.
I think it's probably not you or them, it's the situation itself. And presumably they too are finding it pretty rough going.
So. Taking all things into consideration, what (thinking of ideals) would work for all of you and your mother too? What would you like to happen given the fact of your mother's stroke and disability?
Not everyone has loving parents or siblings. People who do can never understand.
I second the suggestion to use your mothers money for medicare Certified Nurse assistants, which they pay for.
Or a qualified nursing home or care facility.
I am sorry that your parents did not plan for their old age care.