Verbal and emotional abuse of dementia spouse?
My dad has dementia. He is probably transitioning from early stage to mid stage. He is forgetful and slow, but basically "with it" and functional at home. No problems with most of his own hygiene or daily needs. Does not drive or cook, becoming more dependent on my mom. He is in pretty good spirits, easy going, but concerned for his future. Dad and mom live in a nice home in the same neighborhood I do. Problem: Mom is losing it. All patience. All decency. She is verbally and emotionally abusive to him - cutting remarks at any opportunity. Just becoming a nasty person. All she does is complain about the extra burdens on her. She complains about driving, cooking, cleaning. She makes him feel guilty that he cannot help more. My dad is about 30 pounds underweight. Now she refuses to cook. She is weight obsessed, and says mean things if he eats fatty foods, even though he is way under weight. I run a small business and work 6-7 days a week. I try to have a happy life and carve out short times of enjoyment. Checking in on them is becoming a weight around my neck. My mom is a highly educated woman (that's part of her problem - she always thinks she's the smartest person in the room). My dad told me today "she lets me know she is superior to me, any chance she gets". It's becoming very sad. I spoke with her about it a few days ago, but it seems she's still doing it. No, she does not have dementia (far from it). She's just an emotionally immature person. Thanks for letting me vent.
It's a tough situation, but I would get a plan in mind so you can free yourself from constant worry of the situation. If you have a game plan, it won't need to worry you all the time. Getting legal advice might help too.
Just because your mom has always been offensive and difficult, doesn't mean that she's okay. People like her get cognitive decline too. I'd keep an eye out. Not eating, making irrational comments and forgetting things, as you describe with her could be clues or her having some issues. I'd watch for that not just write it off as it being her normal difficult self.
Who is your dad's Durable Power of Attorney? Do you want that responsibility? If you feel you must, I'd explain to dad that you intend to extricate him from that environment as soon as you take over his affairs. Plus, you'll have no choice. If he's not receiving proper nutrition, you'l be bound to place him somewhere that he can get meals and away from negative influences.
And if dad is not on board with it, then, I'd wait and observe. When he is no longer competent, I'd obtain an attorney and take action to get dad out of her care. It might be nasty, but I would fight to keep my beloved dad away from verbal abuse and/or neglect.
Please let us know what happens. If they are both still competent, your hands are really tied.
My parents had no idea what was involved for me [also an only child] trying to help them over the years, as they never needed to care for their own parents. I am an independent contractor and had also worked hard in my career and I refused to give that up as I needed to add funds to my own retirement. My Dad wanted me to retire but I asked him if he gave up his career to take care of his parents.... I knew the answer was "no", so he understood.
My Mom was in denial that both she and Dad were in their 90's and still living on their own. I remember Dad calling me on the phone asking me if I could help him change a light bulb on a light up on a cathedral ceiling... I had to tell Dad that my ladder climbing days were over, as I was a senior citizen myself. He would need to call the electrician. Well, my Mom wasn't about to pay anyone to change a simple light bulb.
After my Mom had a fall in their home, I hired caregivers from an Agency, and after 3 days my Mom shooed everyone out. The Rep called me saying that my Mom was arguing with everyone, especially with my Dad, and that wasn't good for him.
So, I wish you luck with your parents. Chances are there won't be anything you can do right now. Usually it takes a major situation to have chances made. If your parents had saved big time for a rainy day, maybe they could look at moving into an Independent Living facility that offers Assisted Living options for down the road. No more mowing the lawn.... housekeeping comes in once a week, changes and washes the linens.... and usually one meal is served in the main dining room.... the facility offers transportation to grocery and big box stores... even to doctor appointments.
People these days are getting into yoga and mindfulness. I think it is to put the positive back into themselves. It would be sweet if your mother would consider some yoga and meditation classes. Somehow I get the feeling that would be hard to get her to do it. But maybe...
It will not help for you to talk to mom. She has had quite enough. Maybe you shoyld stay with dad a couple of times a week to see if that will help your mom. When a parent has dementia it needs to become a family effort to care for that person. Nobody can do it alone without having times when they are to your mom's point. And it is not mom's fault. Look how much she has done for years.