My narcissistic mother, who was diagnosed with dementia 3 years ago, will be moving from my house into an assisted living facility next month. Since my father's death in January my mother has transferred her disagreeable interactions to me. My siblings are resentful of what they feel is the disproportionate amount of our parents' future estate I have received as a result of my being their caregiver - although they will not acknowledge I have been a caregiver. And when I leave for work each day I lock a section of my house to protect my personal belongings from my siblings who visit my mother and pack boxes to be "stored" at their houses until the move. To say this is all unpleasant is an understatement. I am counting down the days until the move and I want to regain balance without any interaction with my family. In time I expect my raw feelings about my mother will subside. However, I don't expect to get over the hurtful words and actions of my siblings. I need some space and do not want to visit my mother for a while after she moves but I am feeling guilty about it. As the daughter of a narcissist I learned early on that my mother's feelings trumped my own so I am struggling with some personal daemons. Any words of wisdom from those of you who have walked this path?
You hit the nail on the head. One or two children, spouses, whatever will always be there, taking the abuse. The others won't. My dad put up with Mother for 55 years. I have no idea why. She can be nice, she just chooses the people she's nice to. I'm not of them. We all had "labels" in our home. Most beautiful, sweetest, fattest, etc. I am the fat, funny one who is an emotional wreck. All my life I was TOLD I couldn't handle anything, all the while juggling 5 kids lives, a husband who traveled 80% of the time, church responsibilities, taking care of my aging grandmothers and then my FIL, then my Father, now Mother, and she still thinks she can't call me during the day b/c she is afraid I might be "napping". When mother is in the hospital or at a facility (and with almost 100 surgeries of some kind under her belt----there's been plenty of those kinds of stays) I go every single day. If my younger sis goes once, she gets trotted out like a show pony. I can't change mother, I can only change my time exposure to her. So sad, really. I hope none of my kids feel this way about me.
2nd, May God Bless you for your efforts and your concern for your folks!! Take a time for yourself , to regroup and revive! Then, as other posters have said, you will actually be able to enjoy your Mom for the limited time you have with her! Let us know how it goes!
This has nothing to do with care but just came to me. A friends Mother had lived with a man for eight years. This gave my friend a break because her mother depended on friend for everything. Well he died with no children, no money or insurance. Mother had no money. So friend paid for justthe funeral no viewing. She started getting calls from his nieces saying it was awful she wasn't paying for the viewing. Friend told them if they wanted a viewing they could pay or it. Didn't here from them again. So, if your siblings give you problems, tell them they can care or Mom. I'd even give them POA. You've done your part.
We are a classic family of a narcissistic mother - one sibling is the narcissist. The other, who has stepped in with all of the answers and is handling all of my mother's affairs, is the martyr striving to be the favorite child. And I am the people-pleaser trying to make everything better. My mother is enjoying all of the attention from the martyr sister right now so I think she may be ok with the move initially. I expect in a few weeks everyone will get busy with their own lives and the constant attention my mother is receiving will wane. That should allow me enough time to regroup and regain my balance. Then I can take her out periodically to her favorite restaurant knowing that afterwards I will be going home to my peaceful house.
Yes, take time to yourself, Caregiving in the BEST of circumstances is very hard. Having sibs who are not "on board" makes that even harder.
My mother also has a very narcissistic personality and she chooses one child over another & plays us against each other. As this has been the dynamic for almost 60 years, it won't change.
It's GOOD that you hide your things- I had a brother who would have happily robbed me blind of MY stuff, never mind the 3 or 4 items mother or grandma had given me. He felt entitled to EVERYTHING. People who do not have this kind of sibling in their lives cannot understand that one of their own sibs could be so mercenary.
DO take off a few weeks, if you feel that is best. Only you know how she acts/reacts. It will take some time to have your mother settle into the ALF. If she's anything like my mother, she's going to be mad no matter what you do, so go ahead and take 2-3 weeks to pamper yourself a little. The beauty of the assisted living is, when they get combative or nasty, you can walk away. It's hard, but you can do it.
to ilovemom2: you must have a great relationship with your own mother, or you wouldn't even be suggesting that this poor woman spend time getting her mother settled in. I can feel the pain as she writes about her mother and what must have been years of putdowns and stressful living. I am sure she's not ditching her mother--just taking care of herself. People with dementia on top of the narcissistic personality disorder--you can't ever please them. And they don't care. (Not being mean, just stating a fact). At some point, you MUST step away. Hopefully, time will heal the relationships with the sibs--of you want it to. Good luck!!!
Please set aside any kind of guilt feelings. They are not appropriate for you. Whatever you got, you deserved. Accept that and ignore others. If they resent you, they will either get over it or not. I wouldn't try to deal with changing their minds.
I think stepping back for a while is a great idea. What I would suggest, assuming that you are the POA/DPOA, you might examine if the AL facility is equipped to handle your mom's daily needs. When I placed my LO into AL, they were not equipped to meet her daily needs. There were a series of events that drew me to the AL on almost a daily basis. Eventually, I had to place her in a Secure Memory Care Unit. She needed help with almost all areas of daily life. So, I would just touch base the first few days to make sure that things are being taken care of before backing off. Good luck.
My advice to you would be to be very clear with the ALF that you're going to make yourself scarce for a month or so and ask them to do what it is they do to get her oriented.
As and if you transition back into her life, join her for the social programs at first. It will help take focus from each other to some form of entertainment.
WITHOUT APOLOGIZING, let your siblings know you're taking a break. Sounds as if you deserve one.
Carry on. You have a life to get back to. Give yourself space to breathe.
From what you have written, no one else in your life has your best interests at heart, so it falls to you to do what is best for YOU. Yes, there will be guilt - but there is probably always some level of guilt bubbling around your relationship with your mom, so you can handle this. After a few weeks, make a brief visit and see how it goes. You can make decisions about if and when to resume contact with siblings down the road when you feel it is time. One of the things I expect after MIL passes, is that my hubby will no longer be in contact with his sister & her family. That is his decision, and he feels it is what is best for him and his family . That very well may be the case for you too, only time will tell.
Good luck with the move, I'm sure there will be lots of hic-ups and unexpected drama, but you sound like a very capable person. You sound like someone who thinks things out well & creates a plan - you can do this!