I can't care for my Mom (84) and I want my life and marriage back! Any advice?
My mom (84) has lived with me (60) and my wife (56) for the last 5 years She was living alone So I, being the good son I, moved her in. And my wife was her caregiver for all those 5 years. Up until last Thursday when i got a call at work that she had left me under the stress of 5 years of being told your stupid get me this get me that do this don't do that among other horrid things.
Me and my wife love each other deeply and our marriage will survive If i can just find a place for Mom.
Hello mother, goodbye me.Goodbye us and our marriage I don't even know this angry, frustrated, and burned out man I see in the mirror. I just want to have my life back without guilt. I am the the only son left my brother passed away Oct of last year
I don't like this person I've become. How can I be this bitter? My mom has always loved me. She's been a good mom. So how can I resent her so much?
She can still get around with a walker but she won't. She sits in her chair and refuses to do anything for herself. She wants me to serve her - period. She won't eat at the table, she wont go outside, she just sits in her chair and when I come home from work she expects me to wait on her
My marriage can be saved but i just don't know what to do with mom. Funds are only 915 a month that's it with blue cross/medicare. She cant get Medicaid because she is in my home and they go by household income.
This is all new to me and i am lost as to what to do She is in the hospital right now and i am trying to have her placed into a nursing home medicare will cover 3 months and i can apply for her Medicaid then because she will be out of the home.
But i am getting this sick feeling that they are going to release her back onto me ruining any chance to get my wife back and put our marriage back together. I am met at every turn with six to eight waiting lists at places she can afford to live on her own. help i am losing my sanity and my hope
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1. Your wife has been a good soldier....she is doing this to save her own sanity and force you to "deal" with YOUR mother, who she has been stuck with in HER own home for 5 years. Ask for her forgiveness! Get down on your knees and tell her how important your marriage is. Then follow the advice above.
2. Tell the social worker at the rehab she goes into after the hospital that there is no way she can be cared for at home since you work and your wife has left because of caregiver burn out. Then find a place for her to go after rehab. Do not waver , do not weaken. She can go in as Medicaid pending.
3. Repeat step #1 and best wishes for you.!
Practice saying this in the mirror: "I am sorry but I am alone now and I have to work. I cannot take my mother back into my house." "My mother cannot return to our house. I cannot take care of her." "Yes, I love my mother but she cannot return to my house. I cannot take care of her." "I had been taking care of my mother so I know what it involves. She cannot return to my house." Even practice this and hope it never is needed: "I will not accept my mother back into my home, and I will not take her in if you send her in a taxi."
Practice many times until you can say it convincingly and without wavering. Bring a pal with you if necessary when talking to the discharge worker. You are NOT going to continue to care for your mother in your home. You may get pressure to do so "just until we work things out" or "as a loving son." Resist the pressure! (And you may not get pressure and the social worker may be very helpful. I don't mean to scare you but you must be prepared.)
The first step is to make sure that your mother is not coming back to your house.
I am glad to hear you think the marriage can be saved. But if it took FIVE YEARS of letting your mother abuse your wife and it took her actually leaving you before you believed this is serious, I suggest you have some very heavy-duty work to do to save the marriage. Maybe the first step would be to get some couple counseling to learn how to put the past behind you.
But don't even try to talk your wife into coming back until Mother's future residence is settled. Only when you can say with absolute assurance "Mother won't be living with us ever again," should you propose that wife moves back.
BTW, I am not suggesting abandoning your mother, and I'm pretty sure that isn't what Babalou means, either. When she is settled, visit her, call her, keep an eye on if she is getting good care, be her advocate. She is still your mother. But don't do this at the expense of your marriage. For heaven's sakes, don't spend all your free time at the nursing home! Whether you can save your marriage or not, you deserve a life of your own. Mother might live another 15 years or more. Do you want to wait until you are 75 to have an independent life? Clearly your wife is not going to wait any more at all.
Jeanne and CM are right. Practise saying, politely but firmly " no. My mother cannot return to my house. My wife has left me. There is no one there to care for her. I must work to support myself. Mother needs professio al care and 24/7 supervision and she can't get that at my house. Repeat this as often as you need to say it.
If they say something like " oh, you want to abandon your mom" look them straight in the eye and say i love my mother but i can no longer provide adequate care for her. This is hard but you can do it!
The kind of experiences we share about on here - they have the power to change us. I am a slightly better and wiser person than I was before my mom and dad lost their health. You kind of reintegrate and rebuild, because it does not quite go back to the innocence you had before... hugs and prayers, and I believe you can do this!
We have some idea of what your have been going through. We are caregivers, too, remember. But being sympathetic to you is not going to get the job done.
You need to meet with the discharge person and have her discharged somewhere other than your home. It is not your goal to have "them" understand you or sympathize with you, or tell you what a good person you are. It is your goal to get mother placed so she has suitable care. Your life matters, of course, but it may not seem to matter to the people you will have to deal with. Deal with them anyway. Take a pal if you are afraid you will weaken. Remember your goal. Forget about the rest of for now. Come back here when you have a place for her and we'll all tell you how good you did and how hard is was. We are not unsympathetic.
You, the loving son, moved your mother in with you 5 years ago. Did you think that was just a one-time gesture and you would never have to do anything hard connected with caring for your mother? Did you think, oh well, the wife can handle that and I'll be the good guy coming home to wait on her? Well, now is a time you have to do a very hard thing. And you are not getting much local support. "They" don't understand how hard it is or what this has done to your life. Pull up your big boy pants and do it.
Get your mother discharged to a suitable care place. THAT is your first goal. It is not sympathy for you, or the system's recognition of your life's value. Do what you have to do to reach that first goal.
The discharge planner had a list of facilities, then narrowed it down to facilities with available beds, a friend of mine gave her input on facilities(she'd visited a number of them for her gma) and we visited those on the short list.
They arranged transport for our mom to the NH, which worked better for our mom, who was actually much calmer than she'd have been with us. We were able to get this done over a weekend in time for discharge on Monday.
There's a lot that needs to be untangled here and that will take some time so don't expect this to happen soon. Be committed whether you think she is or not and see it through. And it won't be linear, consistent improvements. It will be a very bumpy road, filled with a rollercoaster ride of highs and lows but it can be overcome if you are steadfast and allow her time to recover and you as well.
I know I've been there. There have been a few times where I just mentally vacated my marriage and life due to unaddressed stress and anxiety over time, a problem I had much of my youth that I never really took head on. And it really became a huge problem that it shouldn't have....I should have gotten the counsel I knew I needed but was too proud and in denial to do it and almost lost my marriage. If I had been my hub I would have left and told him he should leave many times and start over. He was so young. But he didn't. He was 'all in' and told me he was going to see it through and God showed me a love and grace through that man I've never experienced and am so grateful for.
It took me roughly two years or more to really work through it in a way that would be long lasting. It wasn't pretty. I hope this doesn't discourage you, but I hope it encourages you to take the steps that are necessary to move forward. The longer you wait and she waits, the longer this goes on and the harder to solve.
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