My husband and I live with my mother, arrangement made ten yrs ago as she needed help and I was trying to work,raise 3kids and take care of her and run my house. Biggest mistake ever!!!!! Too late to change now. Need help on stopping or dealing with emotional abuse. I never do anything right, never do enough, run too much,work too much, etc. I am to the point that I really don't even like her. Then I feel overwhelming guilt. I'm not gonna change her, how do I deal with this.
My dad was verbally abusive, argumentative and just nasty. He would sit and glare at me and pick at me when I would try to have dinner with the family. I recognized what he was and what he was doing. I swore I would never marry a little bully like him. What I didn't recognize was my mother was the second side of the same coin. She never protected me, it was always about her and her pocket book. So without the proper help, I married my mother. Nicer than her but still very similar. :/
It's rather sad, but I can't keep company with her for very long. After about 5 minutes things start heading south. She starts with a list of things she wants to do. She can't understand that I'm not a young person anymore. I don't dig ditches, nor did I ever. If I don't say I'll comply, I'm a lazy person who never has done anything. Then she pulls up my teenage years like they were yesterday. I want to say that if she and my dad weren't such horrible parents, maybe they wouldn't have had such trouble with their kids. But I can't say that. Dealing with abusive elders is like going into battle with no weapons. The only thing we can do is walk away.
I like that you are getting out of the situation, because I know it is not healthy. Even if you're handling the day-to-day, it takes a toll long-term. No one owes this to a parent. That you are here talking about it, obnurse, says it is taking a toll on you. If your mother is like mine, there is no way to change her. Taking care of her from a distance sounds like a much better idea.
She literally sees you as beneath her, plus being in her house makes it easier for her to relate to you as if you were still her little girl and for you to return to the role of living like you are still her little girl.
With your having to walk on eggshells and her being different with different people, I can guess that she has a personality disorder. Do you tolerate her badmouthing your husband? Does she badmouth your children also. Has she ever verbally abused your children or your husband?
I don't think you need to quit your job so that she can have you visit her worshipfulness more! Not at all! I think you should quit living in your mother's basement literally and figuratively as well as find some other way for your mom to be cared for.
I was once too wiling to be too patient like your husband, but that changed years ago. I've been in therapy, learned about boundaries, set some with concrete consequences, got my boys in therapy and saw much progress gained for my family from that point forward.
It's time to start living above ground! Your in an emotionally abusive relationship. Get therapy for yourself and your husband and move forward, not downward with your lives.
Good luck and let us know how things work out.
I never do anything right - oh sorry! (cheerful one not a meant one) and walk away
never do enough - just going to make tea what do you fancy? (walk away - never ever engage on this one you will lose and getting angry is of no long run benefit to you)
run too much (yes I do, I love running AND insert husbands name loves how it keeps me firm and fit for him - they dont usually want to engage on that front let me tell you)then walk away
work too much- yes I agree.... cuppa mum? and walk away
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