My mom is 95, stage 6 Alzheimer's, lives in a memory care facility, slightly hard of hearing. She recognizes us but doesn't know that I'm her daughter.
Lately, I can't find a thing to talk about. She can't grasp anything deep so talking about my job is out. We mention her brothers and sisters and occasionally will call them to talk to her. She doesn't remember them but "fakes" conversation for 30 seconds then hands the phone back to me.
She doesn't initiate any conversation.
She's fixated on her "headaches" (been seen by many doctors, including brain surgeon) and no reason for them. Also fixated on "itching powder".
Hubby tries to talk with her but she can't hear him sitting across from her so I have to restate things.
We visit once a week. I last about 7 minutes and then get tongue tied. What else can we talk about?
Can you "do" things with her, instead of relying on just talk? I'd always push Mom around in her wheelchair, outside if weather permitted, and inside if not. I'd comment on pictures in the hallway or new blossoms in the neighbor's flower beds. Mom loved trees and we exclaimed over the particularly nice ones.
I would color with her. I printed out coloring pages that were simple but not childish. She liked flowers best. A couple of my sisters played cards on their visits. I brought in photo albums and looked at them with her.
I don't think I could have sat and carried on a conversation for more than seven minutes, but we had nice weekly visits of 2 or 3 hours each.
This is a hard one.
Moms fingernails grew so fast so once a week I trimmed and filed her nails.
I found an Avon nail polish that really did dry in about 10 seconds. Speed Dry maybe.
Other times I tried to straighten out her closet.
Sometimes she would flip thru a magazine.
There came a time Mom didn’t know me. She was always glad to see me. She would tell me my hair was cut just like her daughter (me).
Hang in there Sue.
(((Hugs)))
And wheeling her around the grounds to look at birds and trees is a must.
Eventually, he couldn’t respond at all and just stared. My mom was there 3 times a week and combed his hair and talked to him. Strangely, their life relationship had always been real stormy and financially challenging. They always had fought and it was tough growing up.
But I found that when I was there, it was strangely settling. My mom and I would just have our own conversations while he was with us. We’d just meet there and talk to each other about our day, our week, neighbors, whatever. I don’t know if he was trapped inside himself and listening or not. But it wasn’t so bad while we focused on each other, mom and I. There came to be a strange normalcy in our being there.
I know it’s tough. But, I don’t know, maybe you don’t have to just focus on her all the time while your there. Maybe it’s enough that you’re present and bringing a little bit of your life there.
That’s just how it was for me, for what it’s worth.
Either way, these are some of the hardest things I’ve had to do. Maybe because I just didn’t want to.
I hope you find a way to work it out for yourself.
I wish you the best in this.
I try to bring some things with me. I have playlists on my phone of music they like and I bring a blue tooth speaker with me to play music (if its a nice day and we can sit outside), I bring my laptop sometimes and watch funny youtube videos with dogs or cats or other animals, sometimes I bring stuff to do my Mom's nails , I bring magazines we can look through and discuss, I play word games with Mom.. etc.
Sometimes I bring treats.. candy, ice cream, starbucks, or sometimes just oranges or other fruits.
So many family members come and visit and don't bring anything and I see them sitting all uncomfortable and quickly leave. If I plan it right I can actually enjoy my visit with them.. It is just a different type of visit. I try to stay away from involved conversations. If I do converse it is about the here and now.. no big life discussions, nothing about work or anything.
Good Luck!
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