I am 22 and I live in a house with my mother and a roommate. Both our roommate and I are physically disabled. Our roommate seems to have dementia which we were not made aware of before he moved in since he has no relatives that could have warned us and he INSISTS nothing is wrong with him.
He moved in in October, the same time as us. (We needed an accessible house due to my disabilities but couldn't afford one without a roommate so we couldn't move in until we found one) He paid the security deposit (1200) and we covered first months rent (also 1200)
He paid only 2 months rent before he stopped because he claims he can't afford it. ($300) Although he said he gets $800 a month from SSDI when we accepted him as a roommate. The issue is that he will not go to his bank to get cash because he doesn't want to take the bus and will not use digital banking or a nearby atm. Although he doesn't pay rent, he makes us give him receipts saying he has so that he can get a housing rebate at the end of the year. If we try to say we won't because it's fraud, he becomes aggressive and yells at us. He has accused us of lying to him, wanting to hurt him, trying to kill him, of interrogating him, of putting words in his mouth, etc. Any accusations he can hand out at as loud of a volume as he can shout until we both finally have to leave the conversation unfinished. This happens anytime we try to discuss anything rent related.
Rent is the largest issue but I will summarize some other, smaller or less frequent ones:
1. He locks the door to his room while he is in there and anytime he leaves, even if it is to refill his cup of water which takes 3 minutes tops. We have no reason to go in but it shows he suspects us of something.
2. I can no longer be anywhere but my own room. When he first moved in he talked about this person K, who he accused of spying on him at his last place. Awhile after moving in, he ran of stories about all the things K had done and seems to be targeting me now. If I go to the kitchen, I am spying on him. If I sit in the living room, I am memorizing his routine. If I talk to my mom when she comes home, he says I am lying about him to hurt him. Etc. We also temporarily had an issue where he insisted I was poisoning him with my paints (I'm an artist) until we found mold in the vents and had them cleaned.
3. He steals our food and buys multiples of some items. When my mom asked why there were 10 cases of butter in the fridge last month, he insisted they were ours.
4. He threw a glass cup at my service dog, accused my dog of attacking him (I am home 24/7 because of my disability, this never happened), and scratched his own hands/arms to create evidence of these "attacks." He then gets mad when the dog does not play with him and avoids him.
5. He has gone weeks without telling my mom if he needs a ride to the grocery store (neither he or I can drive) and accuses her of intentionally trying to starve him. She tends to cry when he screams at her which upsets him more.
6. After 4 months (2 he hasnt paid rent) we finally asked if he would move out. He said he refuses to unless we pay him back the $1743 security deposit. We tried to tell him the security deposit was only $1200. But he insisted on this very specific number and screamed that we were trying to trick him.
7. People have suggested we move, but my mom works 7am-11pm and is unable to move us. We are still new to the city so we dont have anyone who could help us move. Even to move here, we paid rent on this house and our last apartment at the same time for a month until we finished moving. He moved in one day because he had help. He would have to move out anyway if we did because he cant afford the rent. It makes more sense for us to stay.
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We are afraid to forcibly make him leave because he has threatened to call SSI to report the art I sell occasionally to afford groceries and get my benefits cut off. Idk if he can do this, but if he can, I can't pay my half of rent.
The landlord has agreed to draw up a new lease if roommate willingly signs it. I wasn't present for the conversation between him and my mom because if I am in the room at all he insists it's an interrogation. But she relayed to me that he said he was eager to leave because he is "sick of that woman (me) scanning me and stealing and breaking my things." None of which happens but, as we've discovered, he is hallucinating his door broken into and his room trashed. We aren't sure what else he has hallucinated, this is the only thing hes insisted he physically saw. Everything else he has accused either of us of has been perceived.
We still have to pay him, but when we spoke to the landlord, they said not to pay him more than what the security deposit was and they will back us up if he tries to go to the police over it. Based on the latest news from the irs, we believe we both will qualify for the stimulus payment (and so will he, so he will definitely have enough money to find a place) so we will each put up half. In the event that the government cancels the payments or changes the qualifications, we will just give up some things and do extra work to get it paid quickly. Extra hours for mom, and I will try to sell sketches or lineart commissions rather than paintings. They sell cheaper but they are easier on me and I can make more.
Social security will be sending someone out to check on him when they are able to. Either here, or at his new address if it takes that long. With the pandemic, they are short handed. They also advised that if he gets paid, is signed off the lease, and then refuses to move, doesn't make an effort to find a place, or forgets entirely that he's supposed to be moving, to call the non emergency police line and ask for someone to come speak to him.
The OP is 22 & alone with the housemate. Does not feel safe & so looking for advice.
Are you on HUD? I didn't get that impression. If so, is HUD paying towards his rent? Because if they are and he is not paying his portion, you need to tell the landlord that he is not contributing so the landlord can report it to HUD. You need a record that he is not paying. After nonpayment for 4 months, he has no security deposit to give back.
Who gives him a housing rebate? I have never heard of this. Is he talking about taxes when you are allowed an allowance for renting? If any other entity, I would call them and tell them he is not paying rent. Let him yell when u don't give him a receipt. Then u can call the police if he gets aggressive. How do u pay the landlord? With one check or you ur check and he his? The latter is the way I would have done it, then the landlord sees he is not paying his share.
Not worth risking for this person but you must find some guidelines & follow the process. Seek help from the rental office. You need to make them aware of this roommate’s inability to pay his third immediately. They may offer you advice as it may not be their first rodeo.
Then I would research all available resources offered by your county Disability/Council on Aging, whatever it’s called, you have one if you’re in the US.
You have many resources out there if you are disabled - the government provide those and protects you.
Start documenting and keep a diary of everything he does- synopses of conversations, etc.
Write a letter and present it to the rental mgmt company and your county Dept of disability or whoever your benefits come from.
**If his craziness persists and you feel physically or mentally abused or in danger call 911. **
Can’t stress this enough!
He’s not been there 6 months yet so try to get started with making your case on paper. Tell on you for selling your art? Don’t let him threaten you about it. Unless you are making thousands of dollars and not reporting it, which is unlikely. Tell him to go fly a kite!
Good luck to you!
Since it sounds like the three of you are all on the lease, each with a third of the responsibility, I would stop making up for his portion of the rent immediately. You might let the landlord know you are doing this and why but this creates the clearest avenue for getting their help if that’s a possibility. Seems to me since his name is also on the lease, the landlord is probably the only one with real legal claim to his portion of the security deposit and it would be harder for you to recoup with that than your landlord. I’m not clear why you give the roommate a receipt for rent if you each pay your third direct to the landlord but I certainly understand your drive to give in and do this given the roommates issues. I would suggest however that you simply, again with the landlords support, either tell him (RM) that he should be paying landlord direct and getting his receipt from them or if somehow the arrangement includes you and mom collecting the rent and paying the management simply say you have been advised or maybe due to your disability and Medicaid qualifying process you can only give him a receipt for actual cash handed over, after all once you sign a receipt it counts as income for you. No fighting or conflict just a simple exchange if you have too but better if you can remove the financial discussion need entirely.
Distance yourself from the roommate more not physically so much as emotionally. Don’t make yourselves so available for discussions, complaints and general conversation, I don’t mean lock yourself in your room I just mean be less approachable, if you will, while out in the common areas. Again don’t be obvious about not speaking to him just don’t engage him and try to limit the opportunity or window for him to engage you. For the time being maybe a new system to help with some of his food steeling delusions could help, give him red dots and you and your mom use green or something so you all “mark” any new food items you bring into the house to prevent any confusion about what belongs to whom. Stand your ground in the house without being confrontational or aggressive by always being cordial, not engaging if and when he becomes accusatory “I don’t remember doing that but if I did my apologies” when you can’t just let it go and not acknowledge his comments. Don’t leave the living room or kitchen though unless you really want to, don’t let him chase you out and remember most of his stuff is a product of his desires, whatever that is so while it can be difficult try to keep that perspective and either feel for him or smile to yourself, whichever works best in the moment.
i wouldn’t worry about his threats to report you periodic income from selling artwork or anything else, First it sounds like his issues will shine through well before anyone taking him seriously and even if they did I don’t see how anyone could prove one way or the other, it doesn’t sound like you are supporting the household and taking vacations this way. Truth is maybe his initiating contact with people in authority will cause them to take notice of his need for help, one can hope anyway. Don’t feel guilty about his choosing not to say he needs to go grocery shopping, this is not your mothers or your responsibility you are simply nice enough to help if and when asked. If he complains, that’s on him and again if he complains to others maybe they see he needs prof help you can’t provide. A little Tough love?
We would have stopped with the receipts but he is hoping to cash in on a housing rebate. He's in a program where gets a portion of whatever rent he pays paid back at the end of the fiscal year I guess. That's the whole reason we wrote them at all, even for the 2 months he did pay. When we try explain that its fraud and we arent comfortable doing that he screams at us until we can't take it anymore. We've had to take the dog and leave the house before and just park at a nearby restaurant of gas station until 12am-1am when we are sure he will be asleep. We can't spend our time in a parking lot instead of in our home, especially since my mom has to be up at 5:30 am, so we've given in the past 2 months that he hasn't paid.
Those of you who thought it may be paranoid schizophrenia are most likely correct. Today he finally complained to my mom that he is tired of me breaking into his room, going through his boxes of belongings and dumping them out on the floor. This has never happened. So he is either spilling out his boxes and his mind is blaming me? Or he hallucinated it entirely with no spilled boxes at all? She woke me up to tell me about this because he threatened that if I don't stop he would have to take extreme measures. I can't really stop doing something that has never happened and we doubt his hallucinations will subside just because he spoke to her. She said she is calling everyone that has been mentioned here (social services, aps, the landlord, etc) until she can find someone who can help. If the police need to be called, she will. She left a shovel in my room and has told me to keep myself and my dog in my room. I have a short bookshelf I can push in front of my door for now.
I will keep updated on how this turns out.
I would contact APS and explain all that you have shared with us. Ask them how you get help for someone that obviously has something going on. They should be able to guide you to agencies that can direct you.
Are you in Maricopa county? The Maricopa county counsel on aging can also help you find resources.
If i can recommend one thing, when you give him the receipt for rent, note that the rent is coming from the deposit and you guys are paying his share of the rent so that it is your deposit. This may or may not help, but it is proof that he has not actually paid rent. As it stands he has proof provided by you and mom that he has paid. That will get sketchy if you tell anyone that he is not paying his fair portion of the rent. His receipts will be viewed as the truth of the situation.
Keep recording his behavior, Arizona is a single consent state, I know, I live in AZ. So you can legally record him without his consent or permission. I would definitely record the conversations about forcing you to provide a receipt when he hasn't paid rent.
This is the worse time ever to be facing these challenges. Covid has everything screwy and shut down.
AZ has some pretty tough domestic violence laws. So please use 911 if you feel in danger from him. Tell them that you are disabled and fearful, tell them that he appears to have something going on, mental illness, dementia, you don't know what but you know by his behaviors it is something, they can intervene and get this guy help if it comes to that. Be sure and tell them that it is a mental issue then they can send the proper response team.
I hope you get this sorted out soon, for all of you.
you might be better off trying to get him placed on a psychiatric hold.
I am editing my original post. I read ur responses and eviction is all that I can think of. If he ever hits you or Mom, call the police. Tell them you have found he is mentally ill and a danger to u. Otherwise, its put up with this till October and tell him shortly before ur lease needs to be renewed you are not renewing a lease with him on it. Then if he doesn't leave u can evict. In my opinion, paranoid Schizophrenics are dangerous.
Having called the police, I know that the person is just let go and comes back. That is no help. Call the police and say you are afraid that he will hurt you or himself. At least that will make a record of his behavior.
The office of aging has been no help to us at all, but try there too. Get locks on your doors. If he breaks into your room, call the police. It will help to prove your point.
Where are you located?
Good luck. Praying for you.
You are a talented person with your painting and writing; even though you are on disability, I can tell that you can get your way out of this. Stop thinking about what you can't do, and figure out what you CAN do.
You are making a lot of rash assumptions about us that are not helpful. This is not a matter of "pulling on big girl pants." It is a matter of how can we help him without putting ourselves in danger. We are not malicious people and don't want to see him hurt or homeless or suffering over whatever medical issue he is needing care for. I don't know if you haven't read my post in it's entirety but I am having to repeat a lot of it for you. Cops here will either arrest him, and not get him the help he clearly needs, or do nothing which would leave us with an enraged, mentally unstable man. I have gotten quite a few suggestions from others to contact social services. My mother and I talked this over, having to sit in her car down the block just so he cant eavesdrop, and have decided that will be our next course of action.
Our roommate however was able to move all his stuff in one day because he had help.
If we move, it could honestly take us until the lease is up anyway to find a place, save up enough, and move our things over a few months.
Even if we go through all that trouble, he would move out once we did. He's already not paying rent so he definitely couldn't afford to live here if we leave.
He does not have a caseworker or any kind of social worker because he insists his memory is perfect and he has no reason to see anyone. He has boasted frequently that he amazes doctors with his perfect memory. We don't believe that to be true. We think since he has no family around him, and he thinks he's fine, nothing is being mentioned to his doctors. Since we are not relatives we don't think we are allowed to inform them.
Last night, he left the back door wide open. From sometime I went to sleep and when my mom came out of her room to leave for work. This is the second time he's left a door open, the first being the front door which I had to close. Both times when he was told he left them open, he adamantly denies it could be him because he has a perfect memory. This time, since it was my mom who told him and not me, he said it's always open when he comes out of his room and I must be doing it to get him in trouble.
We arent sure that we can safely call anyone. He simultaneously insists he has poor hearing and that our music or tv dont bother him and that he can hear whispering about him from across the house, in the garage, and even outside by the street. We arent sure if he is lying about hearing us or lying about being hard of hearing and we aren't willing to chance it being the latter. I've been considering going to a neighboring house and asking if I can stand inside their place while I make a call. If I do, I will probably start with social services since that seems to be the least confrontational option.
We are, however, worried that if social services comes and does an evaluation, he will lie to them to pass it and be even worse when it's over with. I've downloaded an app to start recording when he speaks to me, as has my mom, so that we have evidence but we arent sure if it's legal to record him without consent.
Your Mother goes out? Can she call? Have you discussed how unsafe you feel?
He may be suffering from a mental illness as some of what you describe sounds paranoid.
There is Lifeline where I live - do you have something similar? They may have other services to call before Police. I'm worried the Police may come, talk to him & then leave & he will get more aggressive.
Does your 911 cover mental illness crisis? Do they have an info line to call?
Basically you need this guy out but you need advice on how to make this happen.
You are going to have to confide in someone to help you. Is there a social worker that you can contact? Anyone?
I don’t want to see you, your mom or the dog get hurt. Certainly call someone.
Maybe others will offer some viable options.
I wish you well. Again, I am sorry that you are dealing with this situation.
While all this is happening, in between aggressive episodes, he insists on talking to us about his latest issues. Just a few examples, he believes that whoever moved into his old apartment has stolen his identity just because his address hasnt updated for every company he receives mail from. He was breifly hospitalized for a week during his first month here, and to this day still talks about the expirements they ran on him. When he receives spam mail (choose our company, you qualify for a loan, etc type things) he views them as a personalized attack on him because they think he is old and foolish.
Since he kept bringing these things up to us, initially we tried to offer advice or ease his worries on some things but sometimes adding input set him off and he'd become aggressive again. If we just say "okay" or "I dont know" he feels we are ignoring him. We have tried avoiding being in the same room as him but he follows us to wherever we are. A few weeks ago we started staying in our rooms which are across the house from his but he follows us an our doors dont lock. We aren't sure how he's been locking his.
There are also harmless things we notice that make us think he has dementia rather than strictly a paranoia disorder. About 2 or 3 times week he gets a soda from a gas station and when he gets home he always comments on how satisfying it is because he "hasnt had a soda in years." He checks the mail 6 or 7 times a day. He has called the same companies several times a day to schedule one appointment or ask about a bill. He will ask us the same questions every day, sometimes multiple times a day, and less often multiple times in a row.
He doesnt seem to remember any of the things he has accused us of or any of the times he has shouted at us or threatened us and as a result, does not understand why we have started avoiding him.
We dont think he's a bad person. We don't want him to wind up homeless. But we can't handle the constant verbal abuse, walking on eggshells, and the stress of whether or not his behavior will escalate and hurt either himself or one of us.
We have tried to research what we can do but most resources seem to be directed at relatives and what rights they have. I'm not seeing much for people who have no relation to them. We don't want to hurt him, we just want him to be somewhere he can feel calm. Whether that is in his own place, with few to no neighbors or somewhere he can receive care.